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Adults and friendships

I

ichigo kurosaki

Member
Hey everyone,

I’m in my early 40’s and living abroad for almost 10 years (in two different countries).

I had many friends before I moved out of my country, but nowadays making friends seems like an impossible feat. The pandemic and the fact that I work remotely now haven’t helped. I feel like most people around my age either have families now, existing friend groups or just different priorities (being an adult is tough and life’s busy so couldn’t blame them).

Also, and this probably came with age, I’m more picky now: the opportunities I had to meet people more deeply have sort of fizzled out as I don’t think I cared to pursue any friendship where I didn’t truly feel a connection.

I’m wondering - those of you in your late 30s and beyond: do you also find it tough to meet people you connect with and establishing new friendships?
 
AJUMP23

AJUMP23

Member
I find most friends are in the same life experiences. Married and have kids of similar ages that I do. Most of my enduring relationships have been made through church. Similar belief and life experience lead to deep bonds.

Maybe do activities that interest you and meet people doing those things.
 
N

NecrosaroIII

Ultimate DQ Fan
I suppose it is natural. But I think the older you get, especially as a dude, the more of a generalized distrust there lies on you. People become more suspicious of you, which is why I think it's harder to meet people.

I'm in my late 30s. My social circle consists of people I met in college that we still make time for each other. Despite seeing each other every 2 weeks, I feel a bit closed off from them. Otherwise, the people I interact with the most are my wife and my coworkers. I don't socialize with my coworkers much. That's about it.
 
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Rentahamster

Rentahamster

Rodent Whores
ichigo kurosaki said:
the opportunities I had to meet people more deeply have sort of fizzled out as I don’t think I cared to pursue any friendship where I didn’t truly feel a connection.
Click to expand...

While it's true that you probably shouldn't waste your time trying to force a low-tier friendship to work, be careful that you don't go too much in the other direction, and neglect budding friendships before you even had the chance to truly get to know the other person well. I've seen too many people who use this excuse as an effort to convince themselves that they're not lazy.
 
Mistake

Mistake

Member
I've come to realize the same kind of thing. After some heartbreak recently, it made me realize how much I was leaning on my partner and how much worse it is not having a bigger friend circle to help me through it. My current goal this year is to find more close friends, but also to improve myself for my next relationship
 
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T

tommolb

Member
If there is an answer to this dilemma I'm interested to hear it. If I wasn't with a partner I'd have no-one really, which is sad I know. I never had a big group of friends anyway, but the ones I made back in my teens/20's generally drifted away over time. I moved around a few times and ones I made from school/college lost touch as I moved away from my home city in my early 20's, then when I moved again in my late 20's I lost touch with all the friends I got to know during my 20's. I'm now in my late 40's and I've kinda resigned myself to being a loner (partner aside) for the 30-40 years I have left on the planet.
 
jufonuk

jufonuk

not tag worthy
ichigo kurosaki said:
Hey everyone,

I’m in my early 40’s and living abroad for almost 10 years (in two different countries).

I had many friends before I moved out of my country, but nowadays making friends seems like an impossible feat. The pandemic and the fact that I work remotely now haven’t helped. I feel like most people around my age either have families now, existing friend groups or just different priorities (being an adult is tough and life’s busy so couldn’t blame them).

Also, and this probably came with age, I’m more picky now: the opportunities I had to meet people more deeply have sort of fizzled out as I don’t think I cared to pursue any friendship where I didn’t truly feel a connection.

I’m wondering - those of you in your late 30s and beyond: do you also find it tough to meet people you connect with and establishing new friendships?
Click to expand...
Exact same boat here. Am in my forties Moved abroad. Used to work in one country part time while. Living in another. Was pretty cool could see my friends and family while working. But then Made redundant.

Now I am trying to go out more in the country where I live.

I have a friend but it’s via his wife who worked with my wife. He is a cool guy. I really like him.

I have sort of made two more for ends but I feel awkward trying to ask if they want to meet up etc. Given my age. But I will try. I’m thinking maybe once every few months if I can.

It’s weird. Because no one ever talks about this stuff when you get older.

Oh also I don’t fluently speak the language. Where I live so any English speaking mates are a must. lol

What’s the norm ?

I don’t drink so it’s not a pub social meet up excuse. So maybe just going out more trying social/hobby clubs etc.
 
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NeoIkaruGAF

NeoIkaruGAF

Gold Member
There’s no easy solution.

Growing older, people realize they have limits. Younger people tend to push the envelope all the time, and making new experiences together is easier when you’re young. As you grow older, you have to deal with several life facts:

- most people your age have been through some shit, and a point comes when it’s all too easy to judge people on the premise that literally anyone can be a psycho of some sort. You don’t want to get attached to someone who may be into deep shit.
- you realize that people think the same about you, so you put on a mask and limit yourself.
- most people have careers and have their life sort of sorted out. This means they have duties and routines, and way less opportunities to break some new ground and go towards radically new experiences. When some do, well, there’s a chance they’ve simply gone crazy.
- people who don’t have careers and their life sorted out are predictably unstable and not trustworthy. You don’t make friends with such people, unless you’ve been friends for a long time.
- the chances of doing stuff in big groups and having a good time in spite of the things that go wrong get slimmer.
- you can’t afford to get wasted as much, nor can the others. Those that still do are usually in bad shape, and usually not that fun to be around anyway.
- you have (hopefully) developed some responsibility. And that means that you don’t see the fun in stuff that would make teenagers giggle like idiots for days, and you tend to not take unnecessary risks just for thrills.

All of this, and more, vastly limits the possibility of building authentic, long-lasting friendships as an adult.
We have tons of stories about that one dude leaving his community at one point for some reason, only to come back years later and find out he doesn’t have friends at home anymore. This is only made more common by the possibilities of the modern global world, and by the fragmentation of the great communities of the past.
 
John Bilbo

John Bilbo

Member
In my country there was a habit for men near the age of retirement or of the age of retirement to hang out at smaller neighborhood gas stations drinking coffee, watching TV and shooting the shit.

In the past ten years those smaller gas stations have died off. I wonder if all those men have found another place to socialize. I don't think anyone should under value the importance of social interaction.

I think for many people their relatives and family keep them socialized.
 
S

Sokka

Member
I think it's just hard in general to make friends as an adult.

If you want to be friends with someone who has a family with kids, they're never going to find time for you. Outside of work they have to be prioritise their own family, leave little time for people outside the family.

Weekend is too short, once you've recharged yourself from work it's already Monday again.

The system as we have it implemented today results in too much feeling of lonliness for people. I wish we had something better in place, longer weekends would be a good start.
 
StueyDuck

StueyDuck

Member
ichigo kurosaki said:
Hey everyone,

I’m in my early 40’s and living abroad for almost 10 years (in two different countries).

I had many friends before I moved out of my country, but nowadays making friends seems like an impossible feat. The pandemic and the fact that I work remotely now haven’t helped. I feel like most people around my age either have families now, existing friend groups or just different priorities (being an adult is tough and life’s busy so couldn’t blame them).

Also, and this probably came with age, I’m more picky now: the opportunities I had to meet people more deeply have sort of fizzled out as I don’t think I cared to pursue any friendship where I didn’t truly feel a connection.

I’m wondering - those of you in your late 30s and beyond: do you also find it tough to meet people you connect with and establishing new friendships?
Click to expand...
join a club,

join a football, cricket, squash, golf, padel anything really. if you are away from your home country the only way you are going to make friends is in a social situation where people are forced to be social with everyone.

it's either that or through work.
 
Sleepwalker

Sleepwalker

Member
Moving abroad is pretty rough, me and my wife moved a few years ago, we both do stuff remotely and we still have 0 friends in our new area. The neighbors are either too young or too old (we are in our early 30s) and the people around us our age all have kids around 5-6 and do kids stuff together. We don't have kids and don't plan to have any in the immediate future so are not interested in people telling us about their kids or doing kid's stuff lol.
 
bitbydeath

bitbydeath

Gold Member
StueyDuck said:
join a club,

join a football, cricket, squash, golf, padel anything really. if you are away from your home country the only way you are going to make friends is in a social situation where people are forced to be social with everyone.

it's either that or through work.
Click to expand...
This is the best way.
I’m part of the problem where I just don’t have the time between work and family.
 
nush

nush

Member
NecrosaroIII said:
I suppose it is natural. But I think the older you get, especially as a dude, the more of a generalized distrust there lies on you. People become more suspicious of you, which is why I think it's harder to meet people.
Click to expand...
This is so true, I was telling a woman this and she simply did not believe me. Then I told her about my “life hack”, as a single man get a cute dog. The difference is night and day, suddenly when you are out walking people will stop and talk to you.

She still didn’t believe me, but she showed me a picture of her dog and said nobody talked to her just because she had a dog. I said that’s because you are a woman. Then I triggered a memory for her, she said oh that’s what my son was talking about when he said my dog was a “fanny magnet” when he took the dog out for a walk.

It’s true.
There’s this guy in my town always walking his dog on the high street. He looks like a body builder, tattoos, massive beard, bald head, scary looking. But he has a cute dog that can also do tricks. People stop him and talk all the time. They wouldn’t if he didn’t have that dog.
 
Power Pro

Power Pro

Member
I'm autistic, so I've always had trouble making friends, but it definitely seemed possible when I was younger. Now, it just seems damn near impossible. Every one has their established friends and important people in their lives, so there's no room for anyone new. And if that's not the case, it seems like people are less social than ever before. When I was younger, and the internet was still kinda young, I was able to make friends online...one of them I met 20+ years ago I still talk to, but now...it's like no one's interested in actual being friends with people online, we're just words on a screen to others now.

Sorry, I know some of that doesn't relate to what you're saying, but yeah, I've felt for a long time now that making friends as an adult feels impossible :messenger_persevering:
 
Ownage

Ownage

Member
I second the point about finding a church, temple, mosque or social get together that's built on faith, warmth and community. You'll find people there more willing to be social and can fine tune activities together after that.
 
ThatStupidLion

ThatStupidLion

Gold Member
ichigo kurosaki said:
Hey everyone,

I’m in my early 40’s and living abroad for almost 10 years (in two different countries).

I had many friends before I moved out of my country, but nowadays making friends seems like an impossible feat. The pandemic and the fact that I work remotely now haven’t helped. I feel like most people around my age either have families now, existing friend groups or just different priorities (being an adult is tough and life’s busy so couldn’t blame them).

Also, and this probably came with age, I’m more picky now: the opportunities I had to meet people more deeply have sort of fizzled out as I don’t think I cared to pursue any friendship where I didn’t truly feel a connection.

I’m wondering - those of you in your late 30s and beyond: do you also find it tough to meet people you connect with and establishing new friendships?
Click to expand...
38. Yes, its tough. For multiple reasons.
 
Tams

Tams

Member
NecrosaroIII said:
I suppose it is natural. But I think the older you get, especially as a dude, the more of a generalized distrust there lies on you. People become more suspicious of you, which is why I think it's harder to meet people.

I'm in my late 30s. My social circle consists of people I met in college that we still make time for each other. Despite seeing each other every 2 weeks, I feel a bit closed off from them. Otherwise, the people I interact with the most are my wife and my coworkers. I don't socialize with my coworkers much. That's about it.
Click to expand...

This.

The only way to break this distrust reliably is to join a hobbyist group. You need to be genuinely interested though, else you'll be distanced even harder.

Politics discussion isn't allowed here, but being involved in it has let me build friendships with people I otherwise never would have. And yes, there are anoraks among thsoe, but they are interesting in their own special way.
 
K

kikkis

Gold Member
I haven't had friends in 15 years. At the end of the day, I don't really miss them to the point of seeking friendships. The key problem is that I really don't have a lot to talk about, let alone stuff that other people would find interesting. Activities like eating out or exercising with guy/s together sound awkward or just plain gay like having someone over and playing games.
 
John Bilbo

John Bilbo

Member
nush said:
Not gay.

Do you know how many guys want to get away from their women for some time and just play games with their bros without having said woman give them shit about it?

"I'm going over to Kikkis to help him put up a shelf."

Fuck yeah peace, quiet, vida and some beers for a few hours.
Click to expand...
I've found myself men are great at solving practical problems together and getting shit done. That's what videogames are too but in a virtual form.
 
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Oberstein

Oberstein

Member
After moving house, I find myself in the same situation as the OP.
It's tough to make new friends when you're over 35/40. You officially become a boomer and find yourself between two generations, the new one which is too young and the next one which isn't adapted either.
And of course, work colleagues aren't friends by any means. And that's not really where you can find a girl either. In short, unless you make an effort and take part in group activities, it's extremely difficult.
The worst thing I've done is to recontact old friends via social networks: some haven't evolved an inch and that's a shame, others don't give a damn about what you've become and don't even reply, in short it's not the solution to look at old pals from 20/25 years ago either.
After that, I don't know if it's a question of the mentality of the old days, but I find the times even more rotten than before: it's hard to trust people, if not impossible to rely on them. I don't know if it's the digital age that's done this, but social interactions are horrible today. So many barriers, hypocrisy and misunderstanding.
 
nush

nush

Member
Oberstein said:
some haven't evolved an inch and that's a shame,
Click to expand...
I assume you’ve yet to reconnect with people you used to know that have actually devolved.

I have and now my early warning gets set off when somebody wants to “reconnect” with me after ten years of no contact.
 
Highway Star

Highway Star

Member
A lot of truths in this thread. It is harder to make friends when you're older.
One thing that's important to remember is there is a difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people I know now are acquaintances and not actual friends that you trust. What I mean about trust is being able to have said person at your place, step out for a bit knowing they won't steal anything or going through your personal stuff.
My 2 best pals got caught up in substance abuse, and it changed who they were. So I can't trust them anymore, and are both now just acquaintances.
 
N

NecrosaroIII

Ultimate DQ Fan
Highway Star said:
A lot of truths in this thread. It is harder to make friends when you're older.
One thing that's important to remember is there is a difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people I know now are acquaintances and not actual friends that you trust. What I mean about trust is being able to have said person at your place, step out for a bit knowing they won't steal anything or going through your personal stuff.
My 2 best pals got caught up in substance abuse, and it changed who they were. So I can't trust them anymore, and are both now just acquaintances.
Click to expand...
Adding to this, I would also caution that your coworkers are not your friends
 
nush

nush

Member
Power Pro said:
But...but my Mom works in the same department as me. I can't trust my Mom??? :messenger_loudly_crying:

:messenger_grinning_smiling:
Click to expand...
I worked with my mom once when I was young.

ce5bd673-8446-4ad9-9c3c-6610ca12dd67_text.gif
 
Valonquar

Valonquar

Member


I struggle to maintain the few surviving friendships I still have. The concept of making new friends at this point seems impossible, unlikely, and mostly unwanted.
 
Zathalus

Zathalus

Member
Making friends after high school or university is way harder. Only good advice I've seen about this is to get some sort of hobby and then attend local gatherings for that. Similar interests should help bonding.
 
sono

sono

Member
I found some people I completely lost touch with for similar reasons to you by finding them again on linked in when it occurred to me to do that
 
jufonuk

jufonuk

not tag worthy
I managed to make some mates where I live. So it s a start. My circle of mates to hang out with grows. Happy days.

I had to go out to some events and met some people and bonded. Feeling less down now.
 
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