Feedback as promised!
El Topo - To be honest, I didn't really get it. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a real device, and if everything happening was real or metaphorical.
The whole orgasm being the "tiny death" made me unsure if this is just something crazy going on in the MC's mind or if the machine really did destroy him and take over his body.
Cool imagery, and pretty disturbing!
FlowerisBritish - Cool imagery, I really liked how the world of the forest is slowly revealed and we don't fully understand it until the MC has already made her choice. We are as naive as she is as to the implications of what she is doing, and I love how quick the reveal of the powershift is done after she makes her choice.
Ultimately, I love the perspective of a minor character in the forest power dynamics and how she is used as a tool in a larger story.
The similes in the story were sometimes a little clunky, interrupting the smooth read... but it really did read like a fairytale and had very clear conflict, etc. Really solid story!
FairyD - I enjoyed the perspective coming from the cult leader, both getting to hear his speech and then switching to his internal perspective on the situation was cool. I like the way he was comparing himself to other successful cult suicides like haileys comet and jonestown.
I didn't feel I fully understood what was at stake and why they were committing suicide. The MC didn't seem to have very good control over the crowd and the situation, so maybe he wasn't entirely convincing as a cult leader?
The chaos at the end coupled with the MC simply eating the food worked really well. We were left with this unsure feeling as to how it would playout... but at least he had succeeded in ending his own life.
Frekifox7 - I found the descriptions at first to be really over the top, but as the story progressed it became obvious that that's what makes the story work. The extreme love, extreme bloodlust, etc creates a really complete character that is driven by pure emotion alone.
I really liked the end, that the bloodlust had overcome him into actually destroying what he loved most. I interpreted it as him having a dream and murdering her in his sleep, but it wasn't totally clear... it could have been a metaphor? He was lost to the demon and murdered the relationship?
Cheat Code - I loved the first half of this piece. Halia was an interesting character and gave a lot of context and weight to the situation. I felt the second half let it down a little, the descriptions of the three situations were a bit rushed and the actual judgement happened very abruptly. Cool scenarios, just wish you had more words to play with.
I did like the conflict in the MC toward the end as he realized he wasn't sure he was proud of the actions he had taken. He'd won the gods' approval, but had lost his own. It added a really interesting element to the character. Again, I wish you'd had more room to explore this.
Ward - Somehow this story sucked me in right from the start and I can't quite articulate how and why! I didn't like the MC, yet his whole existence seemed like such a tough struggle. He didn't seem to care at all about students/being a teacher, which the McDonalds scene illustrated well. The concern of the lack of money was played out really well as we could see that everyone knew how tough it was, yet he still had pressure at home to earn.
I wasn't sure why the students would be willing to pay him extra for candy when they could go to the store themselves... and the point that really bugged me was why didn't he get ecoli too? Presummably the oily stuff was on the outside of the packs and he would have handled them a lot himself.
This story really captured a feeling perfectly, it all felt hopeless... like there was no way out, and while we couldn't feel great about the MC selling stuff to students we could totally see why he felt he had no choice.
The hopeless feeling reminded me of zombie movies or something. No real way out!
Zanos - The dreamscape was so effective. It really spoke to the futility of everything that is deemed important in an office. All the paperwork, the ink, the conversations, the meetings, it all melds together to feel utterly pointless and like the character is floating through understanding the pointlessness of his job... yet also unable to find a way out.
Particularly the hunt for the way out the "green pastures" honed in on exactly the problem facing people in this situation... a lateral move to a different job is always just more of the same.
The imagery was a little repetitive at times, but I really felt this perfectly and poetically addressed the particular pain that is being an office worker!
And I loved the end!
MikeM - I loved this story. It was exactly what a great short story should be, concise, engaging and with great character development. I really enjoyed how you setup the rules of the "world" via the conversation between the two. It was effectively two birds with one stone, the sense of who the characters were was established as well as the rules of time travel. And referencing movies worked perfectly to quickly develop rules.
I did think it was a little too easy to spot the ending coming. I'm not sure that being six weeks from your birthday is close enough to point out, and when the woman in the car proved to be pregnant it was pretty obvious what was coming.
It might have worked more effectively if it was the day before his birthday and the stress of the crash triggered labor (as would easily happen)... or if he doesn't mention the woman is pregnant until she is out of the car. Just to make the surprise a little more effective.
Also loved the whole paradox sickness thing. Really fun to think about!
Ashes - As usual, I loved the writing and didn't entirely understand what was going on. I liked the slow reveal of Abdullah as a character. The story was like peeling back the layers of the onion. Starting with the stark fact that he'd killed his daughter, and then the slow realization that this has to do not just with him but his culture and their view and valuation of women.
The theme that kept jumping out was women as property and undervalued by their parents.
I found the second daughter added a lot too the story, the late introduction was like another layer being revealed. Her relationship to her father was confusing and complex, and I loved how she wasn't sure if praying for him was betraying her sister. In the end, she was the MC and her own struggle to find her own value and speak up for what she actually wanted was very interesting.
I always like your stories, but this one really struck a cord for me!
It's odd because half the time I don't understand what's going on in your stories, but that's also why I love them!
Cyan - Short, but sweet. I think this really captured the struggle and the balance between order and chaos. I think there may have been references here I just don't get, but it was a beautiful illustration of being locked in battle (metaphorically speaking, often with ourselves!)
Tangent - Really effective in that I spent the whole time annoyed that you were skimming details that felt important, only to come to the end and realize the details were in no way important at all. Leaving out the details (who said what), really was a fantastic devise to help us understand the point. This is just a pattern the MC is playing out over and over. Super effective, devastating for the therapist, and with a very dark overtone. You end up really hating the MC, but it was a delicious story.
Neeener - I really enjoyed using this zoomed out perspective and getting to tell a story from a different level. It was a challenge because I wanted to not name most of the characters to get the distanced feel, yet still have it be engaging. Reading back, I'm pretty happy with it.
There is an OK balance between real details from the actual experiment, and stuff I've completely made up... I found that the hardest struggle in writing. How much fact to put in and how much fiction!
And man, I could have used another grammar edit!
Nezumi - Really great little story. This deep, dark enemy that will someday get him. As a bad housekeeper I could really relate to his battle!
Putting a mundane struggle into the context of epic eternal battle worked really well!
WhateverItTakes - This story made me so sad. I could totally get the frustration of the MC, but I liked how we were viewing him as bland and sparkless from the start. This is someone truly entrenched on the proverbial treadmill. I love how he constantly compares himself to others and wants what they have, but clearly doesn't understand it. This really speaks to the kind of angst of the 30-40 year old today, which felt so futile!
Votes -
1. MikeM - Anachronauts
2. Ward - The Divide Between Shallow and Deep
3. Zanos - Wayward Pilgrim, Stilted Soul