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Would you ever break up with someone over money?

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P

Peltz

Member
I sort of feel like I'm in a weird situation. I love my girlfriend: she's stuck by me through thick and thin this year as I struggled in my career, she supported my risk taking, has managed to make me smile during the toughest of times, and has helped me grow into a better man. We have tons of stuff in common and always have a blast together. Most importantly, she understands me completely and I really could tell her anything.

But there's a really sad and unfortunate reality that I'm facing: we are financially on opposite sides of the spectrum. Although I'm not going to give exact figures, there's a giant disparity in terms of income levels (i.e. I earn about 6 times her salary).

Moreover, she's in tremendous debt from student loans (6 figures) with no concrete plan of action to pay it off. She has no desire to go back to school to enhance her job prospects and I feel like she isn't really "going" anywhere.

Today, I told her about these feelings and explained that as much as I love her, I don't feel like it would be possible to take the next step with her to start a family together due to these financial problems. Understandably upset, she asked that we stay together while she figures things out and I agreed to help her look for job opportunities.

But part of me feels like, she's not really going to change. She is who she is.... you know? She doesn't have that drive to be a breadwinner in her own right and that's always something I've considered to be important in a mate. Anyway, seeing her cry today during our talk about this totally broke my heart.

Am I shallow to contemplate ending the relationship over finances and her not having a concrete plan for her future?
 
entremet

entremet

Member
You're not shallow if you are considering a more serious commitment.

Money is extremely important in terms of making a shared life work.

It sounds like she's lost hope about her situation. Hard to say what can help her honestly.

Therapy?

Idk. But she sounds like she's in a funk.
 
Amory

Amory

Member
if that's the only problem then yeah that's shitty

i also really don't understand because you appear to be doing well enough for the both of you. her job could just be supplementary income in a family
 
Z

Zombine

Banned
Please end it, because then she'll be able to find someone who doesn't sound like Patrick Bateman.

I know a dozen people with the same student loan issues. It sucks the fuckin life out of you and the last thing she probably needs is this kind of stress. Work with her on a level where it doesn't feel like she's getting more stress thrown on top of her already existing problems.
See if she would be interested in taking tests for state/city employment to help with those loans. Let her find her own way.
 
P

Peltz

Member
Zombine said:
Please end it, because then she'll be able to find someone who doesn't sound like Patrick Bateman.
Click to expand...

Ouch

Amory said:
if that's the only problem then yeah that's shitty

i also really don't understand because you appear to be doing well enough for the both of you. her job could just be supplementary income in a family
Click to expand...

I guess it's about wanting to be with someone who is able to sacrifice the present moment for the hope a better future, both financially and professionally.
 
X

xxracerxx

Don't worry, I'll vouch for them.
B-Dubs said:
Honestly, if everything else worked I wouldn't really care about the money thing.
Click to expand...
Yup. My wife makes more than me.

Edit: not really sure why you are suggesting more school for her when she is already freaking out about the amount of debt she has now.
 
S

Seesaw15

Member
She sounds too good for you. Do her a favor and end it. Maybe its more complicated but from what you wrote in the OP you sound pretty shallow.
 
A

Admiral Woofington

Member
In high school i broke up with a girl because she lived in the middle of nowhere and didn't have a car so I'd have to pick her up and I was a teen with barely enough money to hang out, having to spend that much on gas was a no no
 
C

CarpeDeezNutz

Member
"seeing her cry today during our talk about this totally broke my heart."



Don't worry, your money will take care you.


On the real though, my wife does not work and it's not really a factor for me.
 
Y

Yaboosh

Super Sleuth
If she isn't bad with money, and I made enough for the both of us, then no, that wouldn't be a reason I would break up with somebody.

But somebody who is irresponsible with money is a deal breaker.
 
O

Opto

Banned
Unless her economics affect yours, like she expects you to pay for her stuff and loans, I find it kinda silly. It honestly sounds like everything is perfect and if you keep focusing on money, you're going to regret it later.
 
W

Wagram

Member
If you truly love a person I don't see why money should come between you. It's not like she's not trying and is mooching off of you.
 
W

whatsinaname

Member
Financial incompatibilities are definitely a thing in relationships. Income vs spending patterns, attitudes towards money and expectations from life definitely needs to be considered.

Peltz said:
she's stuck by me through thick and thin this year as I struggled in my career, she supported my risk taking,
Click to expand...

But this.....

I don't really know what to say.
 
B

BigMastadon

Member
I feel like I'm in the same boat but flipped. This girl I've been talking to for a year or so now makes 40-60k a year (maybe more as she is a funeral home director) while I am unemployed. She's said time and time again that she's in it for the long haul but I still feel worthless because I can't bring anything to the table. I have like 6-8k in student loan debt and really don't have much to show for.

To her it's not a big deal and I believe that. She could've stopped talking to me awhile ago if it was an issue. I don't ask her for money or anything so that's not even in play.

If you really love her then you two will find a way to make it work. A relationship/future is about finding ways to make it work and taking care of each other. It's not easy but it can work.
 
Astral Dog

Astral Dog

Member
She seems to love you, and like you said, she is part of the reason you are the person you are now.
Its Up to you, but consider her and your feelings first, money is not the reason you should split Up.

Now if you want her to improve with education or a better job, there are better ways to tell that without making her cry
 
C

Crossing Eden

Hello, my name is Yves Guillemot, Vivendi S.A.'s Employee of the Month!
Opto said:
Unless her economics affect yours, like she expects you to pay for her stuff and loans, I find it kinda silly. It honestly sounds like everything is perfect and if you keep focusing on money, you're going to regret it later.
Click to expand...

Was gonna say this.
 
E

Evo Shandor

Member
Peltz said:
I sort of feel like I'm in a weird situation. I love my girlfriend: she's stuck by me through thick and thin this year as I struggled in my career, she supported my risk taking, has managed to make me smile during the toughest of times, and has helped me grow into a better man. We have tons of stuff in common and always have a blast together. Most importantly, she understands me completely and I really could tell her anything.
Click to expand...

I don't get it. You start with this, saying she helped you in your period of difficulty, but then despair at her being aimless, making much less than you, and probably being in some form of difficulty herself?

Finances are something that can affect a relationship but usually over time. Have her difficulties lasted longer than yours? Do you think that instead of telling her you can't get married because she doesn't make enough money you could be helping her like she helped you? Is she that much of a mooch?

It seems like you may not be giving her enough of a chance but it is always hard to tell with these things, receiving only the perspective of the one asking help from strangers on the internet.
 
C

corduroygt

Banned
I would never break up with someone over money, but it sounds like money is not the problem but instead you think of her as a lazy aimless person and don't really respect her. In that case, do her a favor and break up because you will never truly care for her and you value people for their ability to earn.
 
entremet

entremet

Member
Has she thought about getting professional help, Peltz?

She sounds like a great person. She may just feel stuck and overwhelmed with her loan debt and seemingly stalled career.

That could be killing her confidence and leading to a vicious cycle.
 
P

Prologue

Member
I'd wait it out if she was by your side during tough times. See what happens.

I'd wear protection though. But thats just me being paranoid.
 
P

Prez

Member
I don't think you're shallow for it but it seems to suggest you don't really love her and not necessarily for that reason. Or you really do love her and you have certain expectations she does not meet.

If I got along really well with someone I probably wouldn't mind. On another note, I don't think I could be with someone who feels the need to spend a lot of money of luxury goods.
 
M

my name is ed

Banned
Zombine said:
Please end it, because then she'll be able to find someone who doesn't sound like Patrick Bateman.
Click to expand...
goddamn lol

Personally I wouldnt care about the amount of money my significant other makes. If you feel like she's not very ambitous and thats something you care about, then that can be a legit gripe.

But actually breaking up with someone because they make less money than you is fucked up. Youre pretty much placing a monetary value on your significant other at that point.
 
Haeleos

Haeleos

Member
If this ultimatum was your first attempt at offering guidance or telling her that you feel this way , then yes, you are shallow.
 
Z

zeshakag

Member
I would break up if they were doing unethical things with money or pooled money. Or being controlling with my earned money.

If she's making payments on her loans, supporting herself and chipping in a percentage I wouldn't break up with that person for not making enough money. Make sure she puts herself on an income based repayment plan if they're federal loans. As someone whose relationship with their dad was ruined by consigned good standing student loans, I'm really sensitive to people making me feel bad over how much money I make. It is one of the worst feelings and you begin to feel like a slave to that person. I wouldn't wish that feeling upon my worst enemy.

If that was one of your traits for a good partner, you can't control that. Once she finds a foothold break it off and wish each other the best.
 
Amory

Amory

Member
Peltz said:
I guess it's about wanting to be with someone who is able to sacrifice the present moment for the hope a better future, both financially and professionally.
Click to expand...

so then is it about money, or lack of ambition? because the latter is totally understandable.
 
Straight Edge

Straight Edge

Member
I wouldn't break up with someone for how much they made but I would (and have) break up with someone who is bad with money.
 
F

Fou-Lu

Member
It seems you are being a bit of a dick here. If she really is great in every other way, why does it matter so badly what she makes? Many families only have one 'breadwinner'.
 
Damerman

Damerman

Member
Peltz said:
Ouch



I guess it's about wanting to be with someone who is able to sacrifice the present moment for the hope a better future, both financially and professionally.
Click to expand...
I'm gonna have to agree with that assessment. You are being incredibly shallow. this situation and the relationship you have with her is what life is about.. figure that shit out... don't be an asshole.
 
Sub_Level

Sub_Level

wants to fuck an Asian grill.
If I made lotsa money, I'd be ok with a gf who didn't work.

The 6 figure student loan is very intimidating, though, and I've never been in your position OP so I can't judge you.
 
K

kirby_fox

Banned
I'd break up with someone over money, however I wouldn't break up with someone without attempting to work on a problem.

If this continues to be a problem, then yeah it's time to part ways. But taking the first step of talking to her is good.

The bigger question is if you want to break up and are potentially using this as a way to do so.
 
Y

Yaboosh

Super Sleuth
It is not dickish to be hesitant to marry a woman with 6 figures of debt and questionable prospects at paying it off in a reasonable amount of time.
 
B

border

Member
Money and sex are the top two reasons that couples break up. Many, many people break up over money.

The people who say "I would support her if I could make enough for the both of us" have probably never had to come home from a day busting their ass to somebody that slept till 2PM and spent the rest of day on Facebook. They've probably never put in 40+ hours a week while their significant other worked part time and spent their nights out drinking and dining with friends. It's rough shit to feel like you're the one who's having to make all the sacrifices, while the person you're committed to just fucks around and does nothing.

I don't demand that any partner make a ton of money, but you absolutely have to be self-sufficient.
 
P

Peltz

Member
Evo Shandor said:
I don't get it. You start with this, saying she helped you in your period of difficulty, but then despair at her being aimless, making much less than you, and probably being in some form of difficulty herself?

Finances are something that can affect a relationship but usually over time. Have her difficulties lasted longer than yours? Do you think that instead of telling her you can't get married because she doesn't make enough money you could be helping her like she helped you? Is she that much of a mooch?

It seems like you may not be giving her enough of a chance but it is always hard to tell with these things, receiving only the perspective of the one asking help from strangers on the internet.
Click to expand...

You're absolutely right. Part of me feels guilty about harboring such feelings when she was there for me during my period of uncertainty and difficulty. I feel like I should reciprocate.

However, yes, her period of uncertainty has lasted years with no end in sight, while mine lasted about 3 months when I decided to transition into a slightly different field under circumstances not nearly as dire as her own.
 
P

Perfect Blue

Banned
Peltz said:
she's stuck by me through thick and thin this year as I struggled in my career, she supported my risk taking, has managed to make me smile during the toughest of times, and has helped me grow into a better man.
Click to expand...
Yeah break up with her so she can find someone better because you sure seem unappreciative.
 
M

Manmademan

Member
You're not wrong OP. Money is one of the biggest relationship killers there is. It doesn't seem like financially you two are on the same page re: earnings and debt.

No shame at all in calling it like it is and telling her she's not where you need someone to be in terms of responsibility.
 
Z

Zepp Twofist

Member
I don't know about your specific situation, but as a general thing I feel it's a valid reason. I've seen too many close friends and relatives get absolutely fucked because of the poor financial decisions of their loved ones.
 
Y

Yaboosh

Super Sleuth
border said:
Money and sex are the top two reasons that couples break up. Many, many people break up over money.

The people who say "I would support her if I could make enough for the both of us" have probably never had to come home from a day busting their ass to somebody that slept till 2PM and spent all day on Facebook. They've probably never come put in 40+ hours a week while their significant other worked part time and spent their nights out drinking and dining with friends. It's rough shit to feel like you're the one who's having to make all the sacrifices.

I don't demand that any partner make a ton of money, but you absolutely have to be self-sufficient.
Click to expand...


Someone who makes $50k a year in a demanding job would not be self sufficient in a relationship with someone making 7 figures. Because the lifestyle of the 7 figure person would likely force the other person out of their financial comfort zone.

Being willing to make up for another person's lack of income is not the same as supporting a lazy ass.
 
M

MGrant

Member
I think it's fair to be honest with someone and tell them financial gain is something you want to be a goal for both of you. My last ex and I broke up because she felt like I worked too much for my own gain, and I felt like she lived with her parents responsibility-free, so I understand how money is a big thing if it's really unequal. But I feel like as long as your partner is giving it a go and living a life of their own in addition to a life with you, the number of digits in your salary shouldn't matter so much.
 
R

Random Painted HIghway

Member
I wouldn't get involved with someone who has so much debt and no plan to get out from under it. That said, It really depends on where the relationship began, if it was in college and she just got stuck somewhere along the way, then Id feel invested to see it through, since she was taking on that debt while you were together. If she accumulated the debt before you arrived on the scene then I honestly would have bailed pretty shortly thereafter once I realized the extent of the issue. I think that sort of income disparity combined with her existing debts has the great potential to create significant resentment by both parties long term. Does she want to be a stay at home mom? I would view that much more positively than someone who just racked up the debt to be a barista.

I'm a lawyer, I know tons of folks with >100k in debt and mediocre job prospects, it can wreck or delay everything in your life, home purchase, having children, etc. I would love to see a poll comparing the dating prospects of someone with 150k in debt to someone with say, herpes.
 
G

Gotdatmoney

Member
Possibly. I mean I'm not going to pay off my SO's 6 figure student loan. Their needs to be an actual plan that is actively being worked towards. When you make 6 times her salary their is going to be this expectation that you help if you wanna stay together and pursue a future. Personally, if we werent pooling money when the debt wad incurred I am not trying to fund someone elses education while they have 0 plan to do it their self.
 
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