Secondary Objective: Coming-of-Age Tale (or Bildungsroman)
Word Limit: 1800 words
Submission Deadline: July 8th 11:59 pm Pacific
Voting Deadline: July 11th 11:59 pm Pacific
Submission Guidelines:
- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!
Voting Guidelines:
- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.
Damn it. I was preoccupied sending out job applications the last few days and I forgot when voting ended. Somehow I assumed it was today. Sorry about that, WHOOPS.
But hey, thanks for the commentary on my story to those who gave it - I felt my biggest issue was that I basically didn't adhere well enough to the word count. I mean, I was under the 2300 words, but my story ended up abridged to actually squeeze into that limit, the way I ended up developing it I needed probably another 1000ish to properly stick the landing. Big failing on my part there, gave it a disjointed feel and a crap conclusion (and personally I ended up hating my main character, who honestly barely even qualifies as a "character". Dude was sort of snarky, that's not a character that's a single trait). That's something I'll have to address in future participation in these, the word limit is one of the big challenges here, capably creating something that functions fully in that space.
Will try to find time to take part in this challenge, though I'm not sure if I'll be able to this time around. If nothing else, I'll do my best to actually vote in it this time.
Damn it. I was preoccupied sending out job applications the last few days and I forgot when voting ended. Somehow I assumed it was today. Sorry about that, WHOOPS.
But hey, thanks for the commentary on my story to those who gave it - I felt my biggest issue was that I basically didn't adhere well enough to the word count. I mean, I was under the 2300 words, but my story ended up abridged to actually squeeze into that limit, the way I ended up developing it I needed probably another 1000ish to properly stick the landing. Big failing on my part there, gave it a disjointed feel and a crap conclusion (and personally I ended up hating my main character, who honestly barely even qualifies as a "character". Dude was sort of snarky, that's not a character that's a single trait). That's something I'll have to address in future participation in these, the word limit is one of the big challenges here, capably creating something that functions fully in that space.
Will try to find time to take part in this challenge, though I'm not sure if I'll be able to this time around. If nothing else, I'll do my best to actually vote in it this time.
Check out some flash fiction collections. Those are the closest fiction you'll find to the word limits we provide for these challenges. There was an interesting digital magazine Connu that had stories which might be seen as models of this sort of short-short fiction, but it was itself short lived, and I don't know if the stories it featured are still available. Most short fiction is still in the realm of 15-30 pages, well beyond the limits we work with. So you're right, it is tough to fit a complete story in tight word limits. But it is possible, and examples are out there.
I recommend the Rose Metal Press Field Guides to Flash Fiction and Nonfiction. Flash Fiction International is a good anthology. There are countless good short story collections but few that feature stories at 2500 words or less. American Short Fiction is a nice literary magazine that gets close. Their online selections might be good to reference, to see how such things might be done.
And of course there are always the stories that have been previously submitted to these challenges!
You know what sucks? Those moments you sit down to write something, but nothing is really coming to your head, so you start planning how to fake your own death instead.
I'm going to be at a wedding early tomorrow and won't be around to collect entries. I'll check in when I can to see if they've been rounded up, and I'll do it then if I'm able. Might not be until evening. Otherwise someone else feel free to call the deadline.
I'll see if I can whip something up before the due date.
Also for those interested in my last story that I didn't submit because it was too big, I have posted about it in the neogaf writing thread.
So those of you that lent me those wonderful critiques thank you, because you have given me courage to start trying to finish my novel and this other story. Six pages a day.
EDIT: Misread the dates, welp. I missed it again lol.
"If you could go back to the beginning," said the earth, "would you do it all the same?"
"I suppose," said the sun. "I mean, it's not as thought I had any real choices. Nebula, gravity, fusion. Then eventually red giant and then white dwarf."
"But how much control do any of us have, on the broader level? We're born, we live, we die. Not much we can do to slow it down. But there are other levels."
"True, true. I guess I could have moved some spots around. Maybe some different use of flares."
"I was thinking a little bigger than that."
"Like the collection of fleas you have running around all over you?" The sun dropped a blast of plasma from his corona; the equivalent of a shrug. "Not my thing."
"They're interesting though. Little gobs of carbon that pretend they're alive. They do surprising things sometimes."
"Fly off of you onto the moon, you mean?"
"That was an accident. Anyway, she didn't--"
"Leave me out of this!" said the moon in her squeaky silver voice.
"Sorry," said the sun, and, "Sorry," said the earth. They moved in tandem to let her hide in the earth's shadow. She went slightly red, but said nothing more.
"I don't know," said the sun after a moment. "I could make my own fleas from hydrogen plasma, I suppose. But what purpose would it serve?"
"What purpose does any of this serve?" said the earth. "You and I in our eternal dance... and my siblings. What does it mean? We're here and then we're not. Like the fleas but on a larger scale."
"But that's not an answer. I ask a question and you ask another one. It gets us nowhere. What do I gain from the fleas?"
"Brief moments of entertainment. The occasional spike of worry that they might destroy themselves or you."
"Really?" The sun blanched.
"Oh, I'm not really worried for myself. I'll still be here, I just might be less pretty. Until my natural life ends, anyway."
"Hmm." The sun scratched at a spot. "So would you? Do anything differently?"
"I would start much earlier on the fleas," the earth said promptly. "And I'd let the early ones go on a bit longer."
"You've thought about this a lot."
"I find the fleas invigorate my thoughts."
"Do you worry they might be controlling your mind somehow? Affecting you that way?"
"They do. Not literally. Having them around has changed me." The earth flashed an aurora. "But any mind changes as the things around it change. We find different priorities, learn new things. I don't think that has to be a bad thing."
For a time the sun was quiet. The earth shivered a bit, but let him think. "I don't think I'm ready for that kind of shift," the sun said eventually. "Maybe someday."
"Too many somedays and you'll run out."
"Yes, very motivational."
"You miss one hundred percent of the comets you don't, um..."
"That's not going to end well."
"You should always shoot for the stars because even if--"
"All right, enough. My one regret in life is having this conversation. If I could go back, I'd do it all the same minus this conversation."
"Fair enough," said the earth. For a moment, all was peaceful. Then, "I still think you should try the fleas."
I did write something - a poem. And on the second or third draft, I had this very unusual feeling that I've written the whole thing before a number of years back.* And since I didn't want to then break any more rules than what I already have, writing something I've written outside the challenge fortnight, I thought it best to leave the work alone. I've googled it and searched gaf, but there is no trace of it on the internet. So I must have just written it this week, no?** But the feeling that I've written near exact the same poem twice just won't go away.
*either that or I'm feeling a sense of Déjà vu where I'm living something I've seen in a dream or something.
** I guess it's possible to have written it out in some old notebook.
I did write something - a poem. And on the second or third draft, I had this very unusual feeling that I've written the whole thing before a number of years back.* And since I didn't want to then break any more rules than what I already have, writing something I've written outside the challenge fortnight, I thought it best to leave the work alone. I've googled it and searched gaf, but there is no trace of it on the internet. So I must have just written it this week, no?** But the feeling that I've written near exact the same poem twice just won't go away.
*either that or I'm feeling a sense of Déjà vu where I'm living something I've seen in a dream or something.
** I guess it's possible to have written it out in some old notebook.
Applemancer - this was a fun story, though it reads to me like you only decided to turn it into a letter half-way through. The sentences are nicely written, but they jump around all over the place.
FlowersisBritish - well, this really does read like a teenage girl wrote it, including the daftness and randomness and priorities. The 'punched him' bit made me laugh aloud. You captured the feelings well.
Mike M - had some really nice touches like 'robbed of our agency', the installer, and god I agree about rain and grass I loved the 'faltering turn to the left' at the end. It did seem a bit stretched out though.
Tangent - I really enjoyed this, some bit were very funny, like the 'how to kill a beautiful however lovely...' not coming up with automated suggestions! I think the integration of the fairytale and social media maybe could have been more convincing.
Aaron - loved a lot of this, very atmospheric and engrossing. It lost it a bit towards the end (that attrition rate!) but the writing is fab and the end lines were moving.
Nezumi - I really liked the idea of this, but Fina is awful and their games didn't seem all that fun. The mum was great, though she only had a bit part.
Cyan - this was good fun, I liked the flea discussion. I suppose I didn't see why the moon would want to hide (other than celestial mechanics), also the end 'the Sun groaned' really bugged me for some reason, god knows why.
Applemancer - this was a fun story, though it reads to me like you only decided to turn it into a letter half-way through. The sentences are nicely written, but they jump around all over the place.
You know how your gas light comes on and you take the next exit in a mild panic, hoping there's an open gas station because you only have cash and your account is dry?
Anyway:
1) FlowersisBritish - I Fell In Love With A Boy Named Martin Dweezer
2) Mike M - The Emily Under The Stairs
3) mu cephei - The Beanstalk
Applemancer: This was frontloaded with little niggling things that impeded the flow for me. First, I found myself questioning the premise of a thief that is also cowardly, since the very act of thievery involves considerably more risk than most any other occupation. I was also thrown by the setting establishing itself as a fantasy one, because my initial impression was that it was a modern day setting (though thats more a hazard of people reading a story without knowing the genre and setting ahead of time). What really stood out was this couplet of lines: Felix had been hired to kill that lord. I should mention, Felix was an assassin. Well no, actually you shouldnt mention it, because the information in the second sentence is implied in the first. There were a lot of interesting elements in this (subterranean creature creating a microclimate, the magical equivalent of vacuum tubes in the wizards tower) that I want to know more about, but its like you instead gave me a summary of a far more interesting story. My appetite is wheted, but I go hungry.
mu cephei: The Captain of the Kings Guard doesnt know where his own men are stationed? Though given the nature of the rest of the story, I guess it sort of makes sense that it wouldnt make sense. The swerve to almost pulp-sci-fi setting on the jungles of Mars was well and truly unexpected and unforeseeable, though for a story that seems to thrive on such revelations every few paragraphs or so (Hes not the captain of the guard! Hes not a fantasy setting farm boy! His family wasnt real!), that particular one was several orders of magnitude more significant than the other twists and reversals. In particular the bits about his family being digital copies was really overshadowed, both because it was less important to the story and that it was occurring in this sci-fi space where things like that would be, if not expected, at least more readily accepted without much question.
FlowerisBritish: You have forever forfeited your rights to complain about the length of a title of a Harold Ehrich/Walter Geist story again : P Im not sure if the typos in this (too instead of to, award instead of awkward, beat instead of beet) are the result of insufficient editing, or if it were trying to replicate a diary entry or something. Also, is that Papyrus? Really? While the majority of the story was earnest and heartfelt, it was also incredibly dull because I just dont care about 13yo girls first crushes. That it was all in service of setting up the gag where she just punches him out and gets to the punchline of how much she hates him was admirable, but it didnt quite stick the landing and redeem everything else that had come before it up until that point. I get what you were aiming for, but I dont think you hit the mark for reasons Im not really able to adequately articulate.
Mike M: The original draft of this was 300 words longer and still felt super rushed to me. I was going for a subtle creeping horror vibe that there was something wrong beneath the surface but only ever seemed to talk about the Emily Under the Stairs a few lines per day that the story takes place over. The ending in particular came out really rushed and abrupt, and I worry that the line that features the only use of the word right in the story wasnt enough to tip my hand to all readers what had happened. And without that realization, its just a vignette about some people in an old house they bought. I think I may stick this one in my back pocket and rework it from the ground up, as I think theres the kernel of a spooky story here, but I need to be able to tackle it without trying to cram it into word constraints.
Tangent: The central idea here of retelling Snow White as a tale of social media is a damned good one, but trying to blend it with the fairy tale fantasy setting wasnt entirely successful for me. It was just strangely anachronistic without any attempt to smooth it over or alternately hang a lantern on it and make it as absurd as possible. The revised third act of the story was certainly unexpected, and I guess its nice that the queen was able to recognize her flaws and work to overcome them, but she did try and have Snow White killed. I dont think its possible to overstate what a betrayal of trust that is, which makes patching things up and putting aside their differences a pretty monumental task. This was still a great idea, but it didnt go as far as it could have in capitalizing on the intrinsic silliness.
Aaron: Its probably impossible for this to escape comparison to 300 or probably any other number of stories about badass warriors who are raised from infancy to be an unstoppable fighting force. This one might have gone a little too over the top, as Im wondering how this country has the means to field thousands of warriors when all but two of a given graduation year cohort die in the first battle. That detail and inevitable comparisons to fantasy total warrior tropes aside, I thought there was a lot of stuff going for this. I would have liked a bit more insight into the structure of the narrators civilization (the cities would seem to indicate that not everyone is raised from birth to be a soldier or breed with them) and that of whomever theyre fighting against (which I imagine probably engages in similar practices if these guys arent able to just steamroll them out the gate.)
Cyan: Wait, youre not Margaret Wise Brown
Nezumi: Fina doesnt seem like the brightest crayon in the box, going and destroying the pond such as she did. I mean, surely at some point she must have at least glanced over and saw Fifi trying to stop her? Seems Fifi paid a pretty steep price for Finas tantrums over something that seemed fairly trivial, but at least it went out on a somewhat hopeful note in the end.
Thanks for the comments. I didn't mean to make the attrition rate as high as it sounded. Sounds like I focused on the wrong elements near the end too. Good to know since it's a piece I want to go back to.
votes:
1- FlowersisBritish
2- Mike M
3- Tangent
comments:
Applemancer - You have an exciting story, but not the best way of telling it. I think it would be more effective to be in the moment instead of explaining out the events. You give up any suspense. The reflection could have all taken place at the end.
mu cephei - You have two incomplete but very interesting stories crammed together here. I especially like the Phillip K Dick style Martian experience. Focusing on that would have made this great.
FlowersisBritish - The voice of the narrator is perfect. It really draws me in. It plays out in that pleasantly unexpected way that surprises and delights. I wouldn't change anything.
Mike M - You paint a warm and cozy situation that makes me interested in this family even before anything is really going on. There's a little too much adult banter, but only by a hair. The mirror shattering was genuinely startling, but I would have liked one more scene to have more of a pay off.
Tangent - This is great fun. The characters are lively and the pace really moves. Though I think I would have liked it even better if you put it more into a modern context with allegories instead of direct references to the fairy tale.
Cyan - It's a cool exercise, and you're clever about how you bring these celestial bodies to life, but it starts a little abruptly for me. One paragraph to ease me in would have been a big help.
Nezumi - This is so close to being there. The plot is wonderful and the two friends are great characters, but the writing needs more refinement, especially in the abrupt transitions. Sometimes it gets a bit muddled, and your amazing ending loses a little of its impact.
Applemancer: Solid Story. Liked that you left the story open ended. No complaints.
mu cephei: Problem with sci fi is that you start wondering about the logistics of it. Still the main character resonated despite being kinda unlikable at the start.
FlowersisBritish: Loved the story. Wonderful character piece.
The Emily Under the Stairs: I don't like horror and what was going to happen was obvious from the title. The execution was wonderful and completely on point though
Tangent: Amazing concept but it kinda petered out by the end. I think Snow White being too perfect is what contributed. Loved the Queen becoming a better person by looking up from her phone though
Aaron: Rough gritty story. Great world and society building. Didn't connect with the main character due to the nature of his story though.
Cyan: Loved the dialogue between the experimental Earth and the much more conservative Sun. Odd the other planets didn't chime in but there's only so much time.
Nezumi: Loved the hint of hope at the end of the tragedy. The main character throwing a tantrum and destroying a lovely pool turned me off though.
Tried a new thing where at the end of my comments I found a quote or line that I particularly enjoyed in your piece. It was actually a lot of fun to do, and I'll probably do it again.
Applemancer: Actually thought the letter reveal was neat, but it was never possible to be clear who it was written to until the end since we basically had two main characters. Still, was an interesting read. "It was a crude contraption--I doubt our wizard was an engineer--but the shrapnel cut all the same."
Mu Cephei: Started off strong into a very interesting reveal. But as the setting kept kind of changing(from swords to trucks to mars) I kind of lost grip of the setting and as a result the plot. "I imagine what she must feel as the sounds of the wedding banquet fade behind her, as the laughter and music diminish to nothing and all she is left with is the harsh sound of the Prince’s breathing snuffing out his nose, the cold metallic clink of the guards’ salute as they pass into the Royal Chambers."
Mike M: Good first half of a horror story. It's lead up to a good spooky reveal. So as a horror story, this does work, but the amount of written creeps in ratio to lead up is pretty slanted. Anyway, since horror is kinda my bread and butter, gonna be a little more elaborate. Ending is spooky but terrible ending. The idea of a child being a doppleganger is an excellent horror story because either supernatural creeps or you're crazy. And here you just end on the tip of the very chilling iceberg. But I also think you should keep the finality of the ending with the broken mirror, because in one of the possible scenarios, their daughter is not coming back, and that reality can be frightening in itself. Especially if it just sits in the back of the readers mind of 'shit the mirrors broken, how can they get her back?' Again, in my too much thoughts, some questions to maybe give it places to go in expanded territory. Let's say he pieces the mirror back together, still a broken mirror, would the same Emily come back? What are some quirks a mirror person might have, slight and unsettling if in too great a quantity? What if the wife is the one to believe it, and the husband thinks her crazy(be kind of an inverse on how these usually go)? Then again i could always be full of shit so feel free to ignore my advice. Anyway, there was a good creeps and a lot of potential. Good luck with this. "She made a faltering turn to the left before turning the other way to climb the stairs to her room."
Tangent: This was such an excellent swerve on the Snow White story and I felt it really was the strongest with all the clever little uses of phones within. I particularly liked the pictures of liver and lungs. Kind of petered out around when the Queen became a better person, but it was still really good. Lot of clever little ideas at play here. "But this last time, algorithm took amillisecond longer and replied, “My Queen, you are the fairest here so true. But Snow White is a thousand times more beautiful than you.”"
Aaron: normally I don't like these kind of vignettes of nameless place with nameless characters, but I thought it was pretty well written, though rushed. It didn't really get me hooked until the prisoners came in and as a right of passage they had to kill someone bigger than them in battle. i thought that was an interesting bit because it is kind of the first unique bit of culture I found. "We ate well that night, and slept well under fur still damp with blood."
Cyan: Fun conversation, though how dow Mercury and those other putz feel being talked over to? Would annoy the hell out of me. Happened to me today and I almost threw a book at someone. Anyway, liked the little moral at the end as give by this line. '"They do. Not literally. Having them around has changed me." The earth flashed an aurora. "But any mind changes as the things around it change. We find different priorities, learn new things. I don't think that has to be a bad thing."'
Nezumi: This felt like the most well paced story of the lot to me. Though pacing is kind of a weird thing to try and measure... I'm kind of amazed so much happened in only so many words. Mostly I loved the use of color and physical details. And also wow that ending."And Fina did not complain but only watched in fascination, as with every stroke and every new color the picture on the bowl's surface grew into a beautiful pattern of dancing colors."
Tough to decide...
1.Tangent- the clever ideas in this really elevated this for me. Seriously, this was great!
2. Mike- though horror is usually my go to, too much lead up and not enough spook to really shine
3. Nezumi- Really good but not enough to beat my love of horror
Damn it, a lot of good stuff here. I want to vote for all of these. Blah.
Votes:
1. Nezumi - "Specks of Color" - tiebreaker goes to strongest emotional effect for the spark of hope at the end
2. Mike M - "The Emily Under The Stairs" - second tiebreaker goes to understated yet perfect ending
3. Tangent - "Magic Mirror" - third tiebreaker goes to biggest laugh for "it wasnt quite love at first sight, but they are still dating"
HM: everyone else. Seriously this was a really good set of stories.
I know there are still 6 hours of grace period left but I think everyone has actually voted already and Mike has a rather sizable lead, so what do you guys think about closing up shop early to get the new challenge on the way?
