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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #209 - "Tyranny"
- Thread starter Mike M
- Start date
- Status
Brilliant!
Ha, don't remember the last time I got up at 5 in the morning to write my #entry. Had an entire second half planned for this but alas not enough words. But I think it still works without it, so...
"Lucky​"
(1942 words)
I guess there is no way of encrypting the file in drive directly, right. Posting from my phone so options are limited.
"Lucky​"
(1942 words)
I guess there is no way of encrypting the file in drive directly, right. Posting from my phone so options are limited.
Autoignition
Member
Not gonna make the deadline. 
Good luck to everyone!
Good luck to everyone!Woohoo! How about this for a close shave? First on-time #entry in... ever? Thanks for the fire Mike
The Pianist
1674 words
The Pianist
1674 words
See what you did Mike? You just ruined a, what, 7, 8 year streak?Your new tag should be combobreaker!
Entries:
The Shadow - As Good As It Gets
Royal_Flush - Uba
FlowersisBritish - The Device
choodi - She rides the night
Mike M - Flesh of Clay
mu cephei - Birthright
Noisy Ninj4 - Room with a View
Tangent - Defining the Enemy
Nezumi - Lucky
Carlisle - The Pianist
Cyan - Training Days
The Shadow - As Good As It Gets
Royal_Flush - Uba
FlowersisBritish - The Device
choodi - She rides the night
Mike M - Flesh of Clay
mu cephei - Birthright
Noisy Ninj4 - Room with a View
Tangent - Defining the Enemy
Nezumi - Lucky
Carlisle - The Pianist
Cyan - Training Days
Your new tag should be combobreaker!
He can still enter a story for us to read after the deadline. It will be ineligible though.
I have something. And I too was going to enter it last minute, but I fell asleep. Literally will do no editing to it but post. But 'dem's' the rules. To be honest, I might as well not post my story in protest!
What I do, I do for the greater good of the people!
Your new tag should be combobreaker!
Noisy Ninj4
Member
1. Royal_Flush - Uba
2. Carlisle - The Pianist
3. Nezumi - Lucky
Royal_Flush: Good pacing and compelling plot. Feels like a part of a larger narrative.
Carlisle: Like the imagery used to convey memories.
Nezumi: Simple story, but enjoyable. Good imagery too.
MikeM: I feel like I've read this story somewhere before... Serious deja vu.
2. Carlisle - The Pianist
3. Nezumi - Lucky
Royal_Flush: Good pacing and compelling plot. Feels like a part of a larger narrative.
Carlisle: Like the imagery used to convey memories.
Nezumi: Simple story, but enjoyable. Good imagery too.
MikeM: I feel like I've read this story somewhere before... Serious deja vu.
Yo yo, I just made a change to a sentence in my opening paragraph when I realized there were all these word repetitions. And, there was one tip-of-the tongue moment I was having with one word, and I finally figured out what it was. So I felt compelled to put it in where I was thinking about it. If you'd prefer, I can give you the original without these changes. But if you're OK with these changes, then I'll leave it as is.
Your new tag should be combobreaker!
End the streak? Nevah!
I haven't read your story yet, but I feel almost compelled to ignore your disqualification just to rebel against the tyranny. Start up the resistance, you know 
choodi
Banned
The Shadow - As Good As It Gets -- I liked it up until the ending. I figure you were trying to fit in the secondary objective, but it just didn't work for me. I wanted redemption for Logan and I think he deserved it.
Royal_Flush - Uba -- Spelling and grammatical mistakes kept dragging me ouot of the story, but otherwise good.
FlowersisBritish - The Device -- Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't get it...
Mike M - Flesh of Clay -- Well written. It's actually a nice lesson about the dangers of AI, but aside from the setting, it seems pretty standard fare for that type of story. I liked it though.
mu cephei - Birthright -- wonderful writing. This made a genuine emotional connection in me.
Noisy Ninj4 - Room with a View -- That was pretty fun. I liked the action scenes, but the whole loop thing just didn't do it for me.
Tangent - Defining the Enemy --
I think I have worked with too many similarly neurotic people in my life to enjoy this story. But I guess that was your intention...to give us an insight into anxiety and mental illness.
Nezumi - Lucky -- I don't want this to sound too harsh, but there were just too many mistakes and errors. Lots of misspelled words etc. Some of your sentences are too jumbled with multiple ideas. The story is good, the execution is lacking.
Carlisle - The Pianist -- I liked it, but the structure was a little difficult to get my head around. I had to re-read it to get the full story. Also, you never actually introduced the pianist properly. He just appeared in the story and it was a little confusing.
Cyan - Secondary Objective Achieved -- Too long. I think if you edited it down a little, it would pack more of a punch when the ending kicks in. I also didn't feel anything for Mina, no connection to her struggle at all. If she had come closer to succeeding, then I might have got caught up in her struggle.
Votes:
1st: mu cephei
2nd: The Shadow
3rd Tangent
Royal_Flush - Uba -- Spelling and grammatical mistakes kept dragging me ouot of the story, but otherwise good.
FlowersisBritish - The Device -- Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't get it...
Mike M - Flesh of Clay -- Well written. It's actually a nice lesson about the dangers of AI, but aside from the setting, it seems pretty standard fare for that type of story. I liked it though.
mu cephei - Birthright -- wonderful writing. This made a genuine emotional connection in me.
Noisy Ninj4 - Room with a View -- That was pretty fun. I liked the action scenes, but the whole loop thing just didn't do it for me.
Tangent - Defining the Enemy --
Shut the fuck up Alice. You are really annoying.
Nezumi - Lucky -- I don't want this to sound too harsh, but there were just too many mistakes and errors. Lots of misspelled words etc. Some of your sentences are too jumbled with multiple ideas. The story is good, the execution is lacking.
Carlisle - The Pianist -- I liked it, but the structure was a little difficult to get my head around. I had to re-read it to get the full story. Also, you never actually introduced the pianist properly. He just appeared in the story and it was a little confusing.
Cyan - Secondary Objective Achieved -- Too long. I think if you edited it down a little, it would pack more of a punch when the ending kicks in. I also didn't feel anything for Mina, no connection to her struggle at all. If she had come closer to succeeding, then I might have got caught up in her struggle.
Votes:
1st: mu cephei
2nd: The Shadow
3rd Tangent
Royal_Flush
Member
The Shadow - As Good As It Gets: I'm a bit confused what this institution is. Most of the time it seems to be a school but what's all the "What are we doing outside" talk about?
Royal_Flush - Uba: I think the characters are decent and I like the story. In fact when writing I had so many ideas, I think I could do a whole nano project with the setting. Not that I'm ever going to do nano because I'm way too slow for 2000 words/day. However, I think the writing style is quite poor his time...
FlowersisBritish - The Device: Oh, that's good. I think it's hilarious
choodi - She rides the night: That's halfway to metal lyrics. The problem here is that it's a bit monotonous. If you go for that epic, poetic style, I'd like to see more flow variations, a more pronounced rhythm, emphases, bumpy roads, rivers entraining me, orgasmic explosions. Stops. Something like this. But I like it
Mike M - Flesh of Clay: Hm, not sure what to think of it. How is killing the master a solution to the dilemma "no more to read vs read at night"? The development of free will and curiosity gets a bit overshadowed by that rather trivial decision. Stray observation: Given the story's POV I think you kind of fell short of your own secondary.
mu cephei - Birthright: I really don't have much to criticize.
Noisy Ninj4 - Room with a View: I'm confused. How many inception layers are there? 3? 4? Is the main character "inceptioned"? Who linked the simulation software to a mech? Other than that I think it was written quite well. Love the title as description of tiny boxes with VR access btw.
Tangent - Defining the Enemy: Ooookay? Without context and external investment in Alice or Hans I think there isn't enough plot for me.
Nezumi - Lucky: I could write the same thing I wrote the last times. I just like your creepy, slightly supernatural stuff.
Carlisle - The Pianist: That was nice.
Cyan - Secondary Objective Achieved: Would have been somewhere in the list down there.
Ranking:
Royal_Flush - Uba: I think the characters are decent and I like the story. In fact when writing I had so many ideas, I think I could do a whole nano project with the setting. Not that I'm ever going to do nano because I'm way too slow for 2000 words/day. However, I think the writing style is quite poor his time...
FlowersisBritish - The Device: Oh, that's good. I think it's hilarious
choodi - She rides the night: That's halfway to metal lyrics. The problem here is that it's a bit monotonous. If you go for that epic, poetic style, I'd like to see more flow variations, a more pronounced rhythm, emphases, bumpy roads, rivers entraining me, orgasmic explosions. Stops. Something like this. But I like it
Mike M - Flesh of Clay: Hm, not sure what to think of it. How is killing the master a solution to the dilemma "no more to read vs read at night"? The development of free will and curiosity gets a bit overshadowed by that rather trivial decision. Stray observation: Given the story's POV I think you kind of fell short of your own secondary.
mu cephei - Birthright: I really don't have much to criticize.
Noisy Ninj4 - Room with a View: I'm confused. How many inception layers are there? 3? 4? Is the main character "inceptioned"? Who linked the simulation software to a mech? Other than that I think it was written quite well. Love the title as description of tiny boxes with VR access btw.
Tangent - Defining the Enemy: Ooookay? Without context and external investment in Alice or Hans I think there isn't enough plot for me.
Nezumi - Lucky: I could write the same thing I wrote the last times. I just like your creepy, slightly supernatural stuff.
Carlisle - The Pianist: That was nice.
Cyan - Secondary Objective Achieved: Would have been somewhere in the list down there.
Ranking:
1. FlowerisBritish - The Device
2. Nezumi - Lucky
3. Carlisle - The Pianist
Close 4th: mu cephei - Birthright
2. Nezumi - Lucky
3. Carlisle - The Pianist
Close 4th: mu cephei - Birthright
choodi
Banned
choodi - She rides the night: That's halfway to metal lyrics. The problem here is that it's a bit monotonous. If you go for that epic, poetic style, I'd like to see more flow variations, a more pronounced rhythm, emphases, bumpy roads, rivers entraining me, orgasmic explosions. Stops. Something like this. But I like it
Correct. It's actually Danzig. That was what I was listening to while writing. I slipped a few Danzig references in actually.
Noisy Ninj4
Member
Didn't quite convey the idea well, so for those curious about what was going on in the story.
Grahm is a soldier's brain inside of a robot. He is shown an altered version of reality ( the simulations) to help the robot make tactical decisions. Meanwhile, in the real world, the robot has been sent to destroy humanity's last hope and succeeds. The loop at the end is to indicate he got mind wiped as he had seen what was really going on.
Noisy Ninj4
Member
I'll take you up on that, since that's the first coherent narrative I've written since I finished high school.
Voting was almost impossible.
Comments:
As Good as it Gets
I liked how to begin with it seemed like they were in a prison, and it only slowly became clear they were in a school, it was really nicely done.
The Device
This was pretty amusing. Too short, though!
Defining the Enemy
I really liked all the separate pieces but I think they weren't quite fitted together. The 5-minute cry only lasting 30 seconds, all the petty work stuff that can sometimes explode out of all proportion was great.
She Rides the Night
Lovely language and imagery in this, the way it flowed. It was very evocative and dramatic. And I agree it conjures up the feeling of heavy metal.
Training Days
Im guessing from the use of aether this might be another snippet for your book? It was great, I really enjoyed it. Some of the fighting did seem a bit monotonous.
Uba
This was great. Because I was really caught up in reading it, I didnt notice it was coming to an end and the ending took me by surprise, which I liked. It had a quick pace which made it an easy read, but maybe its all a bit hurried (wordcount was a problem, I see).
Flesh of Clay
Beautifully written. Maybe a little predicable, but possibly it only seems like that because you made the ending seem inevitable, which can be a good thing. An interesting journey through the evolution and predicament of creating AI.
Room with a View
This was great. Ive been playing a lot of Mass Effect recently and it did feel a lot like playing a computer game - which I think it was meant to. I thought you managed to explain what was going on pretty well, fitting it into the story unobtrusively.
Lucky
A very enjoyable story. How did he get out of the cell though?! The fireside conversation was really well depicted, and also I liked how Grayson had been shaped by the shadow.
The Pianist
Really great scene-setting, very evocative. Maybe a bit overdone/ clichéd, but in a way that contributed to the success of the shock violence. I did have to re-read a few sections where the action became a little muddy.
1. Mike M.........
2. Nezumi........
3. Royal_Flush
Comments:
As Good as it Gets
I liked how to begin with it seemed like they were in a prison, and it only slowly became clear they were in a school, it was really nicely done.
The Device
This was pretty amusing. Too short, though!
Defining the Enemy
I really liked all the separate pieces but I think they weren't quite fitted together. The 5-minute cry only lasting 30 seconds, all the petty work stuff that can sometimes explode out of all proportion was great.
She Rides the Night
Lovely language and imagery in this, the way it flowed. It was very evocative and dramatic. And I agree it conjures up the feeling of heavy metal.
Training Days
Im guessing from the use of aether this might be another snippet for your book? It was great, I really enjoyed it. Some of the fighting did seem a bit monotonous.
Uba
This was great. Because I was really caught up in reading it, I didnt notice it was coming to an end and the ending took me by surprise, which I liked. It had a quick pace which made it an easy read, but maybe its all a bit hurried (wordcount was a problem, I see).
Flesh of Clay
Beautifully written. Maybe a little predicable, but possibly it only seems like that because you made the ending seem inevitable, which can be a good thing. An interesting journey through the evolution and predicament of creating AI.
Room with a View
This was great. Ive been playing a lot of Mass Effect recently and it did feel a lot like playing a computer game - which I think it was meant to. I thought you managed to explain what was going on pretty well, fitting it into the story unobtrusively.
Lucky
A very enjoyable story. How did he get out of the cell though?! The fireside conversation was really well depicted, and also I liked how Grayson had been shaped by the shadow.
The Pianist
Really great scene-setting, very evocative. Maybe a bit overdone/ clichéd, but in a way that contributed to the success of the shock violence. I did have to re-read a few sections where the action became a little muddy.
The Shadow
Member
Oh man. I feel like I'm missing something here. All but two entries are asking for a password, but quoting the posts doesn't show one.
Thank you! That's exactly what I was going for. I was worried about how that would come through.
It's a high school. The inspiration was basically how different public education can be depending on where you grew up. IE, the schools I went to vs. the schools my wife went to. Hers were very nice. Mine were....soviet.
Thank you! That's exactly what I was going for. I was worried about how that would come through.
It's a high school. The inspiration was basically how different public education can be depending on where you grew up. IE, the schools I went to vs. the schools my wife went to. Hers were very nice. Mine were....soviet.
choodi
Banned
Oh man. I feel like I'm missing something here. All but two entries are asking for a password, but quoting the posts doesn't show one.
Check your PMs
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Votes
1. Mu
2. Royal_Flush
3. Tangent
1. Mu
2. Royal_Flush
3. Tangent
The Shadow
Member
I say this without fluff or bs; I really enjoyed reading all the entries. Voting was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
1. mu cephei - Birthright
2. Mike M - Flesh of Clay
3. Carlisle - The Pianist
1. mu cephei - Birthright
2. Mike M - Flesh of Clay
3. Carlisle - The Pianist
OK, time is up and since there is no grace period... Here are the results!
1.) mu cephei - Birthright
2.) Nezumi - Lucky
3.) Royal_Flush - Uba
Vote Count:
mu cephei - 20 (6)
Nezumi - 12 (1)
Royal_Flush - 10 (1)
Mike M - 5 (1)
Noisy Ninj4 - 5 (1)
Carlisle - 5
Tangent - 4
FlowersisBritish - 3 (1)
The Shadow - 2
Congratulations mu! That's was a clear victory in a strong field. See you all in the next challenge.
1.) mu cephei - Birthright
2.) Nezumi - Lucky
3.) Royal_Flush - Uba
Vote Count:
mu cephei - 20 (6)
Nezumi - 12 (1)
Royal_Flush - 10 (1)
Mike M - 5 (1)
Noisy Ninj4 - 5 (1)
Carlisle - 5
Tangent - 4
FlowersisBritish - 3 (1)
The Shadow - 2
Congratulations mu! That's was a clear victory in a strong field. See you all in the next challenge.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
au revoir, roi.
took a long time to find a mildly 'safe' one though. (seriously, it's a fucked up device. Also the source for the word 'terror' because Robbespiere liked a bit too much...)
took a long time to find a mildly 'safe' one though. (seriously, it's a fucked up device. Also the source for the word 'terror' because Robbespiere liked a bit too much...)
I swear I will get to you tomorrow. I've been having a pretty crunched week.
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