Basketball
Member
Cold as fuck
Keep living, exercise
Keep living, exercise
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My wife told me tonight she wants a divorce
- Thread starter Pinky
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Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
It's the thing people who don't love you anymore say to make you feel better because they're cowards.
ehm, I don't want to sound harsh, but you probably still want to get in contact with a divorce lawyer asap
Drink, smoke, fuck someone or wank off, call in sick, sleep constantly, go for walks, call your mum, work out. Whatever it takes to get through the first couple of days (or maybe after 11 years out of blue it'll be weeks) until you're somewhat functioning again. That's all I have for the initial shock period, get through it however you can, I don't think it is the time for rational thought.
Fenderputty
Banned
Best advice was that you stop posting stuff on GAF and speak to family or whoever you can that's close . Get a lawyer
DOWN
Banned
This is true. People change. People change their minds. Realize they wont get over something they never got out of their system, didnt explore enough, etc. Can spend a long time wondering if they care more about the relationship than those itching regrets. Eventually they figure out which regret would hurt more in their guess, and its either how much theyll regret losing the relationship for life or not getting out of the relationship to try and fulfill their lives.
arturo2666
Banned
This. OP might need to take a day (or a few) to get his head straight but I would suggest talking with her a bit more. It almost sounds like she just wants a separation but jumped to divorce for whatever reason.
It's also entirely possible the signs were there and you missed them. If you make any progress talking her down, I'd get to couples counseling asap.
EITHER WAY, talk to a lawyer on your own asap. You need to prepare for all eventualities.
Tetraeon
Member
Christ man, that's awful. I'm sending good vibes your way. I was also blindsided out of a 3 year relationship; though that's not nearly as long as 11 or as tough as a divorce, I still feel your pain. The whole "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" linesounds like complete bullshit to me. If she still loved you she wouldn't have made this decision without you. Unfortunately it sounds like the beginning of the end. Maybe it's for the best - you deserve better.
arturo2666
Banned
Please tell me you changed your av for this.
This OP.
TimeEffect
Member
So many suggesting a lawyer. Do things like this really get ugly? Would OP be expected to pay more than whats fair? Sounds like she just wants out and nothing more.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
I'd recommend not spending the entire period following the divorce sloppy drunk and hopefully not picking up habits like smoking or calling out of work to just slack off while depressed.
I did all of that and regret them all. It doesn't help and just makes you more miserable. What does help is trying to get back in shape. It doesn't harm you in any way and works out well for you either way. Unless you're already in great shape, of course.
And you don't need a lawyer yet, unless you suspect she is going to take an inordinate amount of your stuff or transfer money to secret accounts or something. Divorces are very hard to get so they take a long time by design. You will need a lawyer when she actually files.
I did all of that and regret them all. It doesn't help and just makes you more miserable. What does help is trying to get back in shape. It doesn't harm you in any way and works out well for you either way. Unless you're already in great shape, of course.
And you don't need a lawyer yet, unless you suspect she is going to take an inordinate amount of your stuff or transfer money to secret accounts or something. Divorces are very hard to get so they take a long time by design. You will need a lawyer when she actually files.
Tetraeon
Member
Nope! I've had this guy since I joined GAF pretty much. It's also a generally good way of going about life. Take things as they come, especially the things you have no control over, ie: the decisions of others about this ethereal thing we call love.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
I've had that line and many other men have too. Its such the cliche and does not help you at all learn how to avoid the situation.
Matrix XII
Member
Oh man, Im so sorry to hear this.
I will be thinking and praying for you tonight.
I will be thinking and praying for you tonight.
Obliterator
Member
Always, that they are having some sort of emotional / mental crisis.
No one says that and is in a good place
arturo2666
Banned
There's a lot that goes into a divorce, and things can get ugly quick. If things are looking that way, it's in OP's interest to talk to a lawyer asap and figure out exactly what they should be doing to prepare. I haven't been through a divorce myself, but I've seen family members get fucked during divorce proceedings because they didn't get a lawyer early (for instance - my aunt-in-law was blindsided when she found out my uncle was cheating, leaving her, and had shut off her access to their joint bank accounts all at once)
They are unhappy
I completely agree. Trying to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol never works. All you are doing is making things worse on yourself.
OP needs to stay sober and lean on friends and family.
Yoshimitsu126
Member
I think if they get a lawyer right away before they talk about some stuff first it might be bad if it drags on too much and the lawyer fee gets too high.
Now reading other posts, please ignore this one lol
Edit: Think I'm mistaken lawyers with divorce counselors? Either way, I would listen to others who say lawyer up.
It's also a long marriage, there can be state legal ramifications at this point as well
"She wants a divorce, but we're still friend - she wouldn't do anything to hurt me."
a few weeks later
"I can't believe she did this to me!"
disclaimer: I've never been married and have no peronal experience with going through a divorce, but better safe than sorry, right? It's not like she's going to know that OP might have prepared for a possible ugly breakup
Blood Diamonds
Banned
She says she wants nothing from him but she wants a divorce all of a sudden after 11 years like... it's better to get a lawyer just in case she changes her mind about that too.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Guys, cool it with the "She found somebody else". Even if that's true, it isn't particularly helpful to OP.
Then again, not sure how we can be helpful as it's a horrific situation man. I can't even imagine walking out on someone and not even giving a platform on which to solve the problems that supposedly have ended the marriage.
Then again, not sure how we can be helpful as it's a horrific situation man. I can't even imagine walking out on someone and not even giving a platform on which to solve the problems that supposedly have ended the marriage.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
Yep. In CA and potentially other places a marriage longer than 10 years or something can qualify a spouse for permanent spousal support.
Sygma
Member
They simply feel dependant. Or depended upon. Some people give too much, go along with the flow too much and in the process they lose their own self. They don't manage to remain genuine to the person they once were .. and lock that up because the relationship is actually really good
For what its worth op you married someone and it was perfect for eleven years. I'm worried that you re saying "my world just shattered". You existed before, you'll exist after so hang in there. I knew some people like your wife, and the woman either came back or she didn't.
Whatever you're doing, please, do not contact her at all. Do not send texts, do not take news, just be strong - level headed and keep your chin up. Do not contact her until she reaches you, even if it takes weeks, months or fuck even years. Because she's going to need you - or not - as a strong guy and that's how you ll show it. By not becoming desperate. By keeping it all together. I'm not saying "don't feel anything" obviously, but no contact and for the love of all that is holy no "friends only". You want her as your wife or she's out of the picture. Carry on
I disagree, the initial aftermath when he feels like he's choking and falling through a hole in the world is the time to hit anything and everything that works to make him feel the slightest bit better. Time will do its work and rational healthy methods are for further down the track, its a matter surviving until then.
Jzero
Member
Yea, nothing gaf says will help him
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
Dude have you ever gone through something like this? Because I have. Those were horrible ideas. Especially if he has any hope she'll come to her senses.
Harrison Bergeron
Member
Had the same thing happen to me a while back. After seven years of really strong partnership, passion, and intimacy. Can't say it didn't come out of nowhere because she'd occasionally have these crises where I suddenly didn't fit in a particular vision of her ideal life, but we'd talk through it, and my concern over it was always countered by the affection she showed me, and the genuine gestures of love. There was an authenticity to me that was undeniable, but I guess I learned that doesn't necessarily mean it lasts forever.
Even after it went down and she told me I had to leave, we talked for a few weeks after, but one day she said the pain was too intense since she loved me so much, and had to stop talking to me so she could move on, and she just stopped responding. I haven't heard from her since. From mutual friends I know it wasn't about anyone else, or even falling out of love with me. Sometimes people just have to go a different way, I guess.
There's nothing to really say. It'll be painful, and disorienting, and it will probably change you forever, but try to be with people you like being around. It's hard to enjoy anything in the early going, but try to find a few things that you can get some pleasure out of. Each day hurts, is really long, and it seems unrelenting, but slowly things get a bit better even if they seem like that's impossible. I'm pulling for you, man.
Even after it went down and she told me I had to leave, we talked for a few weeks after, but one day she said the pain was too intense since she loved me so much, and had to stop talking to me so she could move on, and she just stopped responding. I haven't heard from her since. From mutual friends I know it wasn't about anyone else, or even falling out of love with me. Sometimes people just have to go a different way, I guess.
There's nothing to really say. It'll be painful, and disorienting, and it will probably change you forever, but try to be with people you like being around. It's hard to enjoy anything in the early going, but try to find a few things that you can get some pleasure out of. Each day hurts, is really long, and it seems unrelenting, but slowly things get a bit better even if they seem like that's impossible. I'm pulling for you, man.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
Hence why I didn't start a thread on GAF when this happened to me. I wrote it out and had it ready to go and realized I don't need some anonymous asshole saying "she found new dick" while I was hurting.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
To be fair there's a good proportion of people willing to help, but the occasional guy who wants to speculate doesn't help.
Jzero
Member
A thing op can do is get really focused on his hobbies to keep his mind off of her a bit. Lately I've been so focused on photography that I can forget about someone that was special to me for a good amount of time. Try being somewhat happy even during this because once you go into deep depression it's hard to get back out.
Did she though?
Did she though?
Yes I have and for about the first five days nothing helped or was even really relevant that wasn't immediate release or distraction.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
I don't know and didn't try to find out. Why would I want to?
â Narayan
Member
Chin up. Stop drinking and smoking. Get off of GAF.
GET A LAWYER.
GET A LAWYER.
ScaryShark
Banned
Be with friends right now. Not NeoGAF and the rest of the Internet.
The fuck is wrong with you?
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
So did I. And I did those things. And they sucked. Hell, it didn't last a few days. Try a few months. It's not how to cope.
Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
The question doesn't bother me; it's just a factual inquiry. It's when people just say its true like they know anything.
OP doesn't need that shit.
Jzero
Member
Sorry to the people I offended with my inquiries, i'm just curious about the statistics surrounding people who get dumped out of the blue and if that person found someone else.
Yeah it's a fairly common strategy. I've seen a couple of friends approach that tactic with "oh it's fine, she wants to settle it friendly" and then she and her lawyer eat them.
I had one friend voluntarily give the soon to be friendly ex half the money. Then she took him to court and got half of what he had left. It took forever for him to get that straight in court.
Yoshimitsu126
Member
Actually now might be a good time to pick up a new hobby you always wanted to try but never had time for like learning a new instrument or even traveling if you have the money.
Jzero
Member
That's cold af
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