I have had three experiences that have given me a lot of perspective on sexual harassment. I am mobile and working so please mind typos.
1. When I was eighteen, I worked as a housekeeper at an upscale inn. I worked seven days a week, but the hours were short, and the pay was incredible. I would work four hours there and make more than I did working eight hours at my other job. The inn was owned by a middle-aged married couple. They were very, very well liked by the community and their guests.
The husband used to follow me around from room to room as I cleaned and reset them. At first it was under the guise of a quality check, but then it was clear he was just hanging around to talk. He would ask me questions about my life and my plans. He would also always ask if I had found any "naughty things" in the suites. This was always his launching pad for a dirty joke or sexual comment. I just laughed with him even though it was never very funny.
Eventually the comments really ramped up. I started to dread when he would darken the doorway. He would stand there, blocking the only exit, and watch me make the beds and clean the sinks and ask me how I knew I wasn't gay. He would tell me "God blessed me with strong intuition" and tell me how gay I was. He would try to get me to come out to him even though I assured him I was not gay. He would call me "young dumb and full of cum" and other gross things. And if I ever seemed upset, he would give me a raise. I just let it happen and kept collecting the paychecks.
Eventually, I asked for a few days off (four months in advance) to go on vacation. He didn't like the idea, he didn't want me to leave, and didn't think it was "fair" my family would plan a trip when they knew I was working. I explained it wasn't a family trip, it was a trip with my girlfriend, and he fired me immediately.
This taught me that you cannot hope sexual harassment will stop and that keeping your head down to keep your job will not last forever. Eventually, something will happen, and you'll always wish you got out sooner.
2. I was 24 and managing a movie theater. There was a girl there who I was really attracted to, and she was very nice to me, and I thought I could leverage that into a date. We were definitely friends, but I wanted to be more than friends, so I started manipulating the schedule to give us more time together.
I would schedule the two of us to work the same nights. I would send other people home so it was just the two of us. I would keep her late so we could talk alone in the office. I don't know if she ever expected anything. I think, to her, we were just good work friends. I started to get frustrated that nothing was happening.
So I started physically putting myself close to her more often. I would follow her around. I would lean against her. I would intentionally try to pass by her and put my hands on her as I did. Finally, one time, I followed her into a small stock room. I stood in the doorway and watched her and knew she wouldn't be able to leave the room without squeezing by me or asking me to move. I wanted her to touch me. So I intentionally blocked her exit.
And as I was doing this, I had a really sickening epiphany that I was doing to her what my boss at the inn used to to. It was like being hit with some kind of dark lightning. It felt like all the flesh had exploded off my bones and all that was left was my hideous naked skeleton. I backed out of the doorway, went to the office, and never bothered her again.
This taught me that people repeat behavior they've seen, even bad behavior, because they do not perceive themselves as being bad. They normalize their own impulses, they rationalize their own actions, and anybody is capable of harassment.
3. When I was 25, I started working in a corporate environment at an extremely progressively-minded company. In my department, there was a man and a woman who used to date. The woman broke it off a year before, and was six months pregnant, and the man refused to let her go.
The man was always telling her how they were meant to be together. How he would wait for her. He would get angry when she talked to other guys in the office in any capacity. He was constantly demanding she explain herself, or tell him what she was doing, and was always leering at her over the desk partition. Not only did it make her work environment hostile, it was extremely uncomfortable for everyone around them who knew what was happening.
One day, he insists the two of them go to lunch together. She goes with him. But he doesn't take her anywhere, and he won't talk to her, and he won't stop the car. She texts me that she is afraid and doesn't know what happening. She is afraid she might be getting kinapped. I immediately make a dart for Human Resources and tell her I will call the police. But then she texts me not to and says he is turning around. She says she will deal with it when she gets back.
She returns safely, but I still go to HR. I lay it all out. I pull no punches and describe everything that happened, has been happening, and how it affects everyone in the office. The responses I got were maddening.
I was told everything I relayed was hearsay and inadmissible. This kind of report would need to come from one of them and I couldn't make a claim like this on somebody else's behalf.
I was told that since the "kidnapping" occurred during an unpaid lunch break and off of company property, it wasn't a company issue and there was nothing that could be done.
I was told that, since the two of them used to date, I couldn't be sure it was sexual harassment and shouldn't make such bold claims.
This taught me that, even at the best companies, the first instinct of Human Resources is to diminish and downplay the situation to make you doubt its seriousness. They ask how you can be sure, they say there is another side of the story, and they say they are powerless to do anything unless very specific criteria is met. At the end of the day, their job is to make problems go away by taking the path of least resistance. Sometimes this mean justice for the victim and sometimes it means sweeping it under the rug. Whatever can be done most easily and most quietly is what will be done.
These experiences in my life have made me extremely passionate about workplace abuse. I do not stand for it at all. More awareness, more conversation, and more victims coming forward is the best thing that can happen here. Companies need to learn that protecting their employees is the only way to protect their company. They need to be held responsible for what happens under their roofs. Challenge their reputations, make them answer for their failures, and force their hand for change.
That's how I feel.
