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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #164 Discipline
- Thread starter Mike M
- Start date
- Status
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT MIKE HAS KILLED US ALL!!! HIS CHALLENGE DEFEATED EVERYONE!!! NO ONE COULD STAND AGAINST IT!!! OH THE HORROR!!! OH THE TYRANNY!!!
Technically, I only got to make this challenge because I was the best.
haha... well, I was going to post this up two hours ago... but then I got distracted by Dominos pizza.... yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
This is inconsequential, but I am also getting dominos...
least worst ftw.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
I got nothing. Also, aside from using a combat situation or fanfiction, I couldn't think of anything to do with this topic. Maybe "fear is the mindkiller"?
only six hours left... oh wait,. pacific. I have an extra clock set to central US, not pacific, so eight hours then, apparently.
Hmm, hemingway. I got booze, and that guy was basically as mean a drunk as they come. Better to not follow that example.
seriously though: why is just invoking the word 'discipline' like an instant "can't think of anything"
only six hours left... oh wait,. pacific. I have an extra clock set to central US, not pacific, so eight hours then, apparently.
Hmm, hemingway. I got booze, and that guy was basically as mean a drunk as they come. Better to not follow that example.
seriously though: why is just invoking the word 'discipline' like an instant "can't think of anything"
((I shall not succumb to your evil mindgames Mike!)).
You shall not... (1380 words)
The Great Zaphon looked down on his creation and was pleased. There was light, there was land, there were animals roaming the earth, the air and the waters. And there were even some people. Quite happy with himself, the Great Zaphon decided that now was the time for some tea and cookies.
After a delicious cup of Earl Grey and some delightfully crumbling chocolate chip cookies, Zaphon took another look at his creation. And to his great dismay things hadn't faired well at all.
The light was still there and so was the land. Plants and animals seemed to be doing all right as well, but the people... You look away for one second and you end up with a hot mess. There was lying and killing, distrust and hate, wherever Zaphon turned his gaze he spotted a new atrocity.
Zaphon blamed himself. He shouldn't have left them without any guidance. No wonder they had no idea how to behave right. So he put on his finest robe, combed his beard and descended down to meet with one of his people.
"Wake up... erm, what's your name?" Zaphon spoke to the young man lying on the bed.
The youth woke up rubbing the sand of sleep from his eyes and, puzzled, looked at the white-robed man standing in his hut.
"Who are you?" he asked, still sleepy.
"I am Zaphon. I am the creator of all of this land and its creatures. And I have come to give a message for you to deliver to all people ... but you still haven't answered my first question. What is your name, boy?"
"Piri," said Piri, not entirely sure what was happening here.
"Piri? Oh, well I guess it can't be helped. Piri, you have been chosen to be the messenger of my word. I will deliver to you the rules I want my people to live by. So listen closely."
And so Zaphon gave Piri his message. He started with the most important stuff. Don't lie to each other, don't hurt each other and for the love of Zaphon don't kill each other. The basic idea was just not to be an asshole to other people, but since Zaphon had already witnessed what his people were capable of, he decided that it would be best if he was as precise as possible.
In the beginning Piri had just watched him with big eyes but the longer Zaphon spoke the more the youth warmed up and he started asking questions. Soon Zaphon found himself in quite the talkative mood and was chatting away.
"You know you really shouldn't drink that water like that," he mentioned in passing as he saw a bucket with some stale looking water in it. "You might not know it, but there are actually tiny creatures living in it and some of them might make you sick. You should boil it before you drink it."
As the night went on, the conversation came upon the topic of fashion. "Oh I don't know," Zaphon said nonchalantly. "I quite like robes. Though I have to say, there is something about a woman wearing trousers that I find quite enticing." He winked at Piri.
The first rays of sunlight already shone through the dirty curtains of the meager hut when Zaphon decided that it was time to depart. He thanked the youth for the pleasant conversation and returned to his heavenly domain, confident that he had chosen the right person.
Descending to one's creation is hard work, so after drinking some warm milk with honey Zaphon took a short nap, dreaming about the wonderful world that would greet him once he woke up.
Something must have gone terribly wrong. Zaphon couldn't believe his eyes when he turned his gaze upon the world after he had woken up. Things were even worse than before. Piri had delivered his words, it seemed, but he must have misunderstood Zaphon on a few points.
He watched in horror as his people struggled to adhere to a ridiculous set of rules, collected in some book. "The Nightly Visit." He saw people being shunned for drinking water without boiling it and women persecuted and beaten for wearing dresses. That hadn't been rules. That had been small talk. Who in his right mind would try to live by something like that? And when did he mention that it was wrong to eat fish?
This needed to change. And fast. Zaphon quickly descended to the world once more, appearing in front of a young woman. "I am the great Zaphon. And I am here to deliver a message to my people through you. This is my message: You got it all wrong, you idiots!"
And Zaphon told the young girl about his true intentions. He repeated the part about loving and caring for each other. And he was very very careful not to include any personal preferences in his speech this time.
Back in his domain, Zaphon followed the events down below with great excitement. He watched proudly as the young girl announced his new message to the people. And he watched in silent terror as she got tortured and executed as a heretic.
Determined to help his people, Zaphon descended again and again, but with no different result. It seemed that his people had been trapped into this system way too long already.
So Zaphron descended once more. This time he had chosen his target carefully. An old man. Highest in the church that claimed to enforce Zaphon's very own will.
By the time Zaphon reached the man's richly decorated chamber he was mighty angry.
"You!" he said, pointing the finger at the old man. "You are a stupid moron," Zaphon declared in his boomiest angry deity voice. "Apply some logic, for my sake!"
And once more Zaphon delivered his message of love, peace and harmony. "That is all that matters," he finished. "People can eat, wear, drink whatever they want. As long as they don't go around hurting and killing each other, I'm happy. Did you get that?"
The old man had taken cover in a corner of the room, shaking and notably terrified. "The devil!" he proclaimed. "The devil has come to tempt me with his lies. But I shall be strong. The word of Zaphon will guide me through this."
"What?" Zaphon couldn't believe his ears. "No, you idiot. I am Zaphon. Someone have mercy on me. What is wrong with you people? I am your god. I have come to tell you that..."
"Begone, devil! You shall not corrupt my faith." The old man had jumped to his feet and was flailing his arms about madly.
"But I...," Zaphon began but the old man wasn't listening any more and had climbed on the window sill instead.
"I have been corrupted, but through my death I shall be clean again and I shall dine with Zaphon in his endless gardens."
"What are you doing? Come down there. I don't even have a garden..."
But the old man couldn't hear Zaphon's words anymore and before the god's eyes he jumped out of the window, shattering on the pavement below.
Zaphon looked after him, shaking his head. What a nutjob. He surely wouldn't invite someone like that for tea anytime soon.
He returned to his domain, heartbroken. It seemed like no matter what he did, he couldn't undo his past mistakes and his people were lost for good. Turning away from them he decided to look for something more pleasant to look at.
That's when he spotted them. Other people. Sometime between his afternoon tea and his nap they must have split from the original flock. Oh and what a delightful bunch they were! Just like all people they lied and killed but they did so without any reference to himself. They were pure and untainted in their hate, only waiting for some guidance from above.
So Zaphon descended once again, appearing in front of a simple shoemaker.
"Hello!" he boomed. "My name is..." he paused for a moment. "Samur... Yes, that's a good one. My name is Samur and I have come to deliver a message."
And Zaphon/Samur once more delivered his message. This time nothing would go wrong. He was sure of that.
You shall not... (1380 words)
The Great Zaphon looked down on his creation and was pleased. There was light, there was land, there were animals roaming the earth, the air and the waters. And there were even some people. Quite happy with himself, the Great Zaphon decided that now was the time for some tea and cookies.
After a delicious cup of Earl Grey and some delightfully crumbling chocolate chip cookies, Zaphon took another look at his creation. And to his great dismay things hadn't faired well at all.
The light was still there and so was the land. Plants and animals seemed to be doing all right as well, but the people... You look away for one second and you end up with a hot mess. There was lying and killing, distrust and hate, wherever Zaphon turned his gaze he spotted a new atrocity.
Zaphon blamed himself. He shouldn't have left them without any guidance. No wonder they had no idea how to behave right. So he put on his finest robe, combed his beard and descended down to meet with one of his people.
"Wake up... erm, what's your name?" Zaphon spoke to the young man lying on the bed.
The youth woke up rubbing the sand of sleep from his eyes and, puzzled, looked at the white-robed man standing in his hut.
"Who are you?" he asked, still sleepy.
"I am Zaphon. I am the creator of all of this land and its creatures. And I have come to give a message for you to deliver to all people ... but you still haven't answered my first question. What is your name, boy?"
"Piri," said Piri, not entirely sure what was happening here.
"Piri? Oh, well I guess it can't be helped. Piri, you have been chosen to be the messenger of my word. I will deliver to you the rules I want my people to live by. So listen closely."
And so Zaphon gave Piri his message. He started with the most important stuff. Don't lie to each other, don't hurt each other and for the love of Zaphon don't kill each other. The basic idea was just not to be an asshole to other people, but since Zaphon had already witnessed what his people were capable of, he decided that it would be best if he was as precise as possible.
In the beginning Piri had just watched him with big eyes but the longer Zaphon spoke the more the youth warmed up and he started asking questions. Soon Zaphon found himself in quite the talkative mood and was chatting away.
"You know you really shouldn't drink that water like that," he mentioned in passing as he saw a bucket with some stale looking water in it. "You might not know it, but there are actually tiny creatures living in it and some of them might make you sick. You should boil it before you drink it."
As the night went on, the conversation came upon the topic of fashion. "Oh I don't know," Zaphon said nonchalantly. "I quite like robes. Though I have to say, there is something about a woman wearing trousers that I find quite enticing." He winked at Piri.
The first rays of sunlight already shone through the dirty curtains of the meager hut when Zaphon decided that it was time to depart. He thanked the youth for the pleasant conversation and returned to his heavenly domain, confident that he had chosen the right person.
Descending to one's creation is hard work, so after drinking some warm milk with honey Zaphon took a short nap, dreaming about the wonderful world that would greet him once he woke up.
Something must have gone terribly wrong. Zaphon couldn't believe his eyes when he turned his gaze upon the world after he had woken up. Things were even worse than before. Piri had delivered his words, it seemed, but he must have misunderstood Zaphon on a few points.
He watched in horror as his people struggled to adhere to a ridiculous set of rules, collected in some book. "The Nightly Visit." He saw people being shunned for drinking water without boiling it and women persecuted and beaten for wearing dresses. That hadn't been rules. That had been small talk. Who in his right mind would try to live by something like that? And when did he mention that it was wrong to eat fish?
This needed to change. And fast. Zaphon quickly descended to the world once more, appearing in front of a young woman. "I am the great Zaphon. And I am here to deliver a message to my people through you. This is my message: You got it all wrong, you idiots!"
And Zaphon told the young girl about his true intentions. He repeated the part about loving and caring for each other. And he was very very careful not to include any personal preferences in his speech this time.
Back in his domain, Zaphon followed the events down below with great excitement. He watched proudly as the young girl announced his new message to the people. And he watched in silent terror as she got tortured and executed as a heretic.
Determined to help his people, Zaphon descended again and again, but with no different result. It seemed that his people had been trapped into this system way too long already.
So Zaphron descended once more. This time he had chosen his target carefully. An old man. Highest in the church that claimed to enforce Zaphon's very own will.
By the time Zaphon reached the man's richly decorated chamber he was mighty angry.
"You!" he said, pointing the finger at the old man. "You are a stupid moron," Zaphon declared in his boomiest angry deity voice. "Apply some logic, for my sake!"
And once more Zaphon delivered his message of love, peace and harmony. "That is all that matters," he finished. "People can eat, wear, drink whatever they want. As long as they don't go around hurting and killing each other, I'm happy. Did you get that?"
The old man had taken cover in a corner of the room, shaking and notably terrified. "The devil!" he proclaimed. "The devil has come to tempt me with his lies. But I shall be strong. The word of Zaphon will guide me through this."
"What?" Zaphon couldn't believe his ears. "No, you idiot. I am Zaphon. Someone have mercy on me. What is wrong with you people? I am your god. I have come to tell you that..."
"Begone, devil! You shall not corrupt my faith." The old man had jumped to his feet and was flailing his arms about madly.
"But I...," Zaphon began but the old man wasn't listening any more and had climbed on the window sill instead.
"I have been corrupted, but through my death I shall be clean again and I shall dine with Zaphon in his endless gardens."
"What are you doing? Come down there. I don't even have a garden..."
But the old man couldn't hear Zaphon's words anymore and before the god's eyes he jumped out of the window, shattering on the pavement below.
Zaphon looked after him, shaking his head. What a nutjob. He surely wouldn't invite someone like that for tea anytime soon.
He returned to his domain, heartbroken. It seemed like no matter what he did, he couldn't undo his past mistakes and his people were lost for good. Turning away from them he decided to look for something more pleasant to look at.
That's when he spotted them. Other people. Sometime between his afternoon tea and his nap they must have split from the original flock. Oh and what a delightful bunch they were! Just like all people they lied and killed but they did so without any reference to himself. They were pure and untainted in their hate, only waiting for some guidance from above.
So Zaphon descended once again, appearing in front of a simple shoemaker.
"Hello!" he boomed. "My name is..." he paused for a moment. "Samur... Yes, that's a good one. My name is Samur and I have come to deliver a message."
And Zaphon/Samur once more delivered his message. This time nothing would go wrong. He was sure of that.
Such unwarranted hostility...
In Heaven, Everything is Fine
Usual password, trying something a bit different this time around for hosting it.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
This is sorta late, but congrats for the win, Mike M! It's interesting how the theme made everyone think of their own life. I battle with discipline for an early bedtime every...single..night and never make it. But I imagine a sweet world where I wake up after so much sleep and it is good.
Yeah seriously. Is Dominoes seriously that good? I haven't had it for a while. I like the use of your adjectives, Sethista.
Yeah seriously. Is Dominoes seriously that good? I haven't had it for a while. I like the use of your adjectives, Sethista.
The Last Time ~630 words.
I didn't get round to writing it till this evening and didn't manage what I wanted. Or the secondary, either
I didn't get round to writing it till this evening and didn't manage what I wanted. Or the secondary, either
So is everyone seriously trying to avoid adv and adj? I cut out so many and I think it hurt rather than helped. It sounds dry. Moreover, I think it makes it harder to picture the story. I'm just curious what you guys thought about the absence of adverbs & adjectives. Though, in terms of the exercise, I think it did help me be more conscientious of my word choice. Or at least as conscientious as I can be when I feel only half-conscious at the end of a week.
You and your reverse psychology!
The Greatest Show on Earth
You and your reverse psychology!
The Greatest Show on Earth
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Fathers and Bastards about 1800 words.
Incidentally I couldn't think of a better title so if anyone has one feel free to tell me.
Gonna be honest I super ignored the secondary this time. I don't care much for adverbs, they are usually the first thing I cut when I edit, but I do use them every now and then if I like them. Adjectives though? I aint giving up my adjectives, they're the bricks of my long winded metaphors.
Incidentally I couldn't think of a better title so if anyone has one feel free to tell me.
Gonna be honest I super ignored the secondary this time. I don't care much for adverbs, they are usually the first thing I cut when I edit, but I do use them every now and then if I like them. Adjectives though? I aint giving up my adjectives, they're the bricks of my long winded metaphors.
Hopefully you only took an hour to get that far, because there's only an hour left : O
Blargonaut
Banned
Refuge in Audacity [incomplete]
I don't have Dropbox Pro, can't PW it
You password protect the file using third-party software. Then drop it like it's hot into your Dropbox public folder.
King Ourobolus - Amazingly Glorious Title
Captain Neeener - Top Bunk
Author D. Zeitgeister - the true mindkiller
Queen Nezumi - You shall not...
Mike the Merciful - In Heaven, Everything is Fine
Lord Dandy Crocodile - Bound
Professor mu cephei - The Last Time
Mad Hatter Tangent - The Greatest Show on Earth
U-Wot-M8 FlowersisBritish - Fathers and Bastards
Blargonaut the knight of the round vase - Curio
Cyan the red wizard of hygard - Refuge in Audacity
Ashes the court fool from 1396 to 1036 - Dinghy in a Maelstrom.
Captain Neeener - Top Bunk
Author D. Zeitgeister - the true mindkiller
Queen Nezumi - You shall not...
Mike the Merciful - In Heaven, Everything is Fine
Lord Dandy Crocodile - Bound
Professor mu cephei - The Last Time
Mad Hatter Tangent - The Greatest Show on Earth
U-Wot-M8 FlowersisBritish - Fathers and Bastards
Blargonaut the knight of the round vase - Curio
Cyan the red wizard of hygard - Refuge in Audacity
Ashes the court fool from 1396 to 1036 - Dinghy in a Maelstrom.
So I had 900 words and a clear way to end the story in my head, life was good. I got home from work, came home and made the plan; watch 2 episodes of the killing to chill, then finish my masterpiece and go to bed.
Imagine my surprise when I watched 1 episode of the killing and then suddenly woke up this morning????
Mike M is a demon
Imagine my surprise when I watched 1 episode of the killing and then suddenly woke up this morning????
Mike M is a demon
I got to 1000 words and took a break even though I had ideas still, big mistake... came back to it the next day and just couldn't find my flow again.
I think it would have needed around 3k words anyway, and I can't really see what I would have cut. Good practise anyway, sorry I missed it.
I think it would have needed around 3k words anyway, and I can't really see what I would have cut. Good practise anyway, sorry I missed it.
Blargonaut
Banned
'bout to start reading through 'em.
Ahhhhh didn't know that, thanks I'll do it after the challenge's over.
Ahhhhh didn't know that, thanks
I'll do it after the challenge's over.FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Ahhhhh didn't know that, thanks
The trick I do is when I'm done with the story, I save as a word doc, and then I save a second time as a pdf. I open the pdf with whatever(in my case preview) and then I export as a pdf to the same place. This last step is the one that gives me an option to encrypt. Don't know how well it will work for others, but thats how I do it, if that helps.
I just use PrimoPDF. It installs as a printer, so you just do the .doc file and "print" a separate PDF file.
With a fairly recent version of Word you can password protect when you save as PDF, it took me ages to find the option, so here's a screenshot
First click Options, then the bottom option let's you tick Encrypt with Password, after you hit ok, it opens a dialogue to enter the password.
First click Options, then the bottom option let's you tick Encrypt with Password, after you hit ok, it opens a dialogue to enter the password.
Comments:
Ourobolus:
I considered writing about something similar at first, since I have a lot of experience when it comes to this topic. And coming from this experience I can tell you that your character already failed when he decided to start a diet AND have doughnuts in his refrigerator. You should never do this. NEVER! Also juicing isn't really that healthy. Green Smoothies is were the party's at.
Neeener:
The beginning was good, but then I got to the point where the children start talking and I was immediately thrown out. There is a reason why I avoid child protagonists like the plague and it's because it is really hard to make them sound right. From the start of the story I gathered that we were dealing with kids in the age range from maybe 5-10, as soon as they started talking they sounded like bitchy teenagers.
Zeitgeist:
Well, I think it suffices to say that you adequately described most of our feelings during the challenge.
Nezumi:
Had I been more disciplined I would have have had more time to come up with crazy rules a bit more creative than the ones I ended up using and I might have worked harder to make some passages sound a little less on the nose but it is what it is and I'm actually mostly happy with how it turned out, which is rare enough.
Mike M:
Good take on the "all surgeons have a god complex" cliche. The way you described all the details (did you research all that, or do you actually know a surgeon?) with such precision was what really made the story and helped building the protagonist. At first I wasn't too happy about the inclusion of drug abuse because I felt like you were overdoing it with the cliches, but it turned out to fit in really well and was a nice build up for the ending.
Dandy Crocodile:
You did a good job of portraying what it must feel like to lose the ability to control your own body and what a struggle it must be to take back said control.
mu cephei:
I'm not sure if you tried to invoke a feeling of pity for the narrator by mentioning how hard it is that the others now treat him different and tell him that he did a bad thing. If yes, it was lost on me. Guy deserved the way he was treated and no amount of justification or giving excuses will change that. But maybe I'm to sensitive when it comes to that topic...
Tangent:
Dawww... poor Harold I liked how you portrayed his struggle to get along with the other elephants. What I found strange though was that he appeared to be the only elephant with a past like this. I somehow imagined the sanctuary to be a place where elephants that had been rescued from bad conditions were brought to which would have meant that there at least might have been a few that had similar experiences as Harold. And strangely enough the scene that moved me most was when he "says" Goodbye to his old trainer.
FlowersisBritish:
This read like a build up for something more. In the ending you put so much emphasis on the fact that learning his father's name had changed things for him, but we never get to know what that change involves. I also thought that you went a little bit over board with your colors. Especially the beginning paragraphs read like if you deliberately wanted to spit the secondary in the face
Blargonaut:
I have no idea what this was about. At some point I lost track on who of the two persons was talking and didn't manage to find it again.
Cyan:
The idea that you had is actually a really good one and I would have liked to read it in a bit more refined stage. Especially since the conclusion with her going to the teacher sounds really cool.
Ashes:
Your stories just always feel so authentic that they make me wonder whether or not they are at least in part autobiographical. I liked the unconventional structure you used for this one and I thought it worked well with the exception of maybe one or two times where I wasn't sure who was talking or who was talked to. Had you been more disciplined and submitted on time this had been in my top 3...
Votes:
1.) Tangent
2.) Mike M
3.) Dandy Crocodile
HM: Ashes
Ourobolus:
I considered writing about something similar at first, since I have a lot of experience when it comes to this topic. And coming from this experience I can tell you that your character already failed when he decided to start a diet AND have doughnuts in his refrigerator. You should never do this. NEVER! Also juicing isn't really that healthy. Green Smoothies is were the party's at.
Neeener:
The beginning was good, but then I got to the point where the children start talking and I was immediately thrown out. There is a reason why I avoid child protagonists like the plague and it's because it is really hard to make them sound right. From the start of the story I gathered that we were dealing with kids in the age range from maybe 5-10, as soon as they started talking they sounded like bitchy teenagers.
Zeitgeist:
Well, I think it suffices to say that you adequately described most of our feelings during the challenge.
Nezumi:
Had I been more disciplined I would have have had more time to come up with crazy rules a bit more creative than the ones I ended up using and I might have worked harder to make some passages sound a little less on the nose but it is what it is and I'm actually mostly happy with how it turned out, which is rare enough.
Mike M:
Good take on the "all surgeons have a god complex" cliche. The way you described all the details (did you research all that, or do you actually know a surgeon?) with such precision was what really made the story and helped building the protagonist. At first I wasn't too happy about the inclusion of drug abuse because I felt like you were overdoing it with the cliches, but it turned out to fit in really well and was a nice build up for the ending.
Dandy Crocodile:
You did a good job of portraying what it must feel like to lose the ability to control your own body and what a struggle it must be to take back said control.
mu cephei:
I'm not sure if you tried to invoke a feeling of pity for the narrator by mentioning how hard it is that the others now treat him different and tell him that he did a bad thing. If yes, it was lost on me. Guy deserved the way he was treated and no amount of justification or giving excuses will change that. But maybe I'm to sensitive when it comes to that topic...
Tangent:
Dawww... poor Harold
I liked how you portrayed his struggle to get along with the other elephants. What I found strange though was that he appeared to be the only elephant with a past like this. I somehow imagined the sanctuary to be a place where elephants that had been rescued from bad conditions were brought to which would have meant that there at least might have been a few that had similar experiences as Harold. And strangely enough the scene that moved me most was when he "says" Goodbye to his old trainer.FlowersisBritish:
This read like a build up for something more. In the ending you put so much emphasis on the fact that learning his father's name had changed things for him, but we never get to know what that change involves. I also thought that you went a little bit over board with your colors. Especially the beginning paragraphs read like if you deliberately wanted to spit the secondary in the face
Blargonaut:
I have no idea what this was about. At some point I lost track on who of the two persons was talking and didn't manage to find it again.
Cyan:
The idea that you had is actually a really good one and I would have liked to read it in a bit more refined stage. Especially since the conclusion with her going to the teacher sounds really cool.
Ashes:
Your stories just always feel so authentic that they make me wonder whether or not they are at least in part autobiographical. I liked the unconventional structure you used for this one and I thought it worked well with the exception of maybe one or two times where I wasn't sure who was talking or who was talked to. Had you been more disciplined and submitted on time this had been in my top 3...
Votes:
1.) Tangent
2.) Mike M
3.) Dandy Crocodile
HM: Ashes
I've logged a lot of hours in the OR myself.
Granted it was veterinary surgery, but the practices and tools are largely the same.
So just when I thought you couldn't possibly become any scarier you tell me that you know how to professionally cut people open, welp
Ashes
Mike M
Nezumi
HM: Neeener, Dandy Crocodile
Feel free to discount my top vote, but I couldn't not give it to Ashes. Sorry.
I was hoping I wouldn't need to explain my story, because that would mean I've failed, but I guess I better: we weren't supposed to sympathise with him. It's all from his pov, so it's his self-pity, self-delusion, and excuses. (Also the sparse prose was supposed to indicate a, uh, bleak emotional field.)
Mike M
Nezumi
HM: Neeener, Dandy Crocodile
Feel free to discount my top vote, but I couldn't not give it to Ashes. Sorry.
I was hoping I wouldn't need to explain my story, because that would mean I've failed, but I guess I better: we weren't supposed to sympathise with him. It's all from his pov, so it's his self-pity, self-delusion, and excuses. (Also the sparse prose was supposed to indicate a, uh, bleak emotional field.)
That's the easy part, it's the putting them back together and doing it all in a way that doesn't kill them that takes skill.So just when I thought you couldn't possibly become any scarier you tell me that you know how to professionally cut people open, welp
Wait, you think I'm scary? It's the gas mask, isn't it? : (
True that. I guess it's mostly that scalpels give me the creeps. I have a metal plate in my right hand that was supposed to be taken out like a few month after it was put in.
It's well over a decade now and the thing is still in my hand (and will remain there till I die) because I'm terrified to have my hand sliced open and the screws taken out my bone and what not. Bad enough they had to do it once...
It's well over a decade now and the thing is still in my hand (and will remain there till I die) because I'm terrified to have my hand sliced open and the screws taken out my bone and what not. Bad enough they had to do it once...
That and the way you go about this challenges like some maniac robot.
Just to be on the save side. I was just trying to make a joke. But I'm also really jetlagged so it might not have worked as intended.
Blargonaut
Banned
My votes~
1) 'The Last Time' - mu cephei
2) 'In Heaven, Everything is Fine' - Mike M
3) 'You Shall Not...' - Nezumi
HM 'Dinghy in a Maelstrom' - Ashes, the Peregrine Fulminate
1) 'The Last Time' - mu cephei
2) 'In Heaven, Everything is Fine' - Mike M
3) 'You Shall Not...' - Nezumi
HM 'Dinghy in a Maelstrom' - Ashes, the Peregrine Fulminate
Impenetrable meta-topical subtlety is the first step to existential horror
When the curio is the subject,
When the curio is the subject,
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Nezumi - You Shall Not
2.) Mike M - In Heaven, Everything is Fine
3.) FlowersisBritish - Fathers and Bastards
2.) Mike M - In Heaven, Everything is Fine
3.) FlowersisBritish - Fathers and Bastards
Ourobolus: The thought of keeping donuts in the fridge seems really odd to me. Maybe just because Ive never seen a box of donuts set out last long enough that I would have started to wonder about what I was supposed to do with the ones left over? Felt that the joke was kind of telegraphed from near the outset, and its difficult to sympathize with someones exasperation with advice that it would take one to three days to feel better when the next line acknowledges that its still the first day. By what authority would they be able to proclaim it to be bullshit if they cant even hack the first day?
Neeener: Is this really a thing that parents have threatened their kids with? Because it doesnt seem to be very effective or meaningful, just kinda weird. I guess some people might just happen to have rope on hand if they went on camping trips a lot or were really into the BDSM scene? Ultimately this just seemed to be what some bored kids got up to while they were in time out. It never occurred to them to just untie themselves from the clearly ineffective rope job and just dangle off the edge of the bed to drop to the floor? Its not exactly hard to escape a bunk bed with no ladder. And in the end, a pair of siblings fight like siblings do, they have a parent yell at them like parents do, they stop fighting because deep down they love one another as siblings do, the mother questions her ability as a parent, and nothing is really resolved to any satisfaction.
Zeitgeister: Im not sure if this is just a comment on the thread in general, or a genuine sort of meta-entry : P I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING!
Nezumi: At first I was upset with the way this ended so abruptly when it had been going along at a nice comedic clip until then, but then I realized what it was you had set up. Well done on that front. Your core story here was well realized and hilarious, though it came across as needlessly filing the serial numbers off bible fan-fiction of all things. Lots of phrasings of expressions that are clearly rooted in the modern vernacular of our world, and the idea that he would retire to drink a substance called Earl Grey and eat chocolate chip cookies kind of makes it impossible for it to be any world other than our own. Would it have worked as a straight up tale about Captial G God? Who can say.
Mike M: Man, I tried to go without adjectives and stuff, but ultimately the red/green thing wound up being too important to me to make it the whole piece without ever being able to use adjectives. Thats the Mike M recipe for success with challenges: Create a shitty secondary objective to handicap everyone while you yourself ignore it! This one actually created a small debate with my writing group. One person thought it was more of a vignette than a story since there wasnt a clear conflict, one person liked it the way that it was, and another somehow made it through thinking this was the story of a crazy person wandering around cutting people up in a hospital. I tried to make it more clear that action was occurring simultaneously with the monologue, and I tried to play up what I perceived to be the Person vs. Self conflict. Anyone got any thoughts along those lines?
Dandy Crocodile: Damn, dude, I sure as shit hope this isnt autobiographical. In a lot of ways, I feel this follows the same trajectory of your last story in that we start off at the nadir and everything is a steady slope of things improving for the protagonist. Its great fodder for a motivational speech, but not a compelling story if there are never any setbacks to his continued progress to overcome. Even something as simple as a stumble while attempting to walk across the room and increased resolve as he hoists himself back into the walker frame on atrophied muscles or something would have given this more to hook onto.
mu cephei: Maybe I was just reading too fast, but I dont think I understand what the conclusion is? Heres this guy whos gotten violent with his wife at home, and hes reflecting on this fact while hes driving home in the rain and keeps opening his windows to help defog the windshield. I kept expecting the set up to be that he was going to get into a car wreck, but it didnt happen. At least not explicitly by my reading. Im also not sure if we were supposed to be sympathetic for a guy who hits his wife on occasion? Not that the premise of a domestic abuser struggling with the fact that he doesnt want to be a wife beater isnt fertile ground for a good yarn, I just think its going to take a degree of exploration that were going to be hard-pressed to find in the confines of a 2K word short story where half of it is relating past events so we know what it is he even feels sad about.
Tangent: Even though I knew the elephants were going to start talking, it still seemed like a stumble when it actually did. Everything up until that point had been very naturalistic, and Harold had even had a few interactions with the elephants before there was any dialogue, which made the change to spoken dialogue a bit jarring. I also found it odd that the beginning of the story highlights the hardships circus elephants undergo with the bullhooks and other means of negative reinforcement to get them to behave, and yet Harold is eager to do a performance for the other elephants? While acknowledging that the yoga poses hurt his back in the same breath? I get that he was trying to connect on some meaningful level with them, but his circus tricks didnt ever seem like something hed want to willingly revisit in the hopes of impressing the other elephants. Kind of stands at odds with a closeness with his trainers too.
FlowersisBritish: You have all this setup and brewing conflict for what looks like it might be something out of A History of Violence where someone from the past comes around and starts making demands of a character, but then he just whips out a checkbook and buys him off? What? On the basis of what evidence? No fight or argument or anything? Whats to keep Serg from just coming back and demanding more money? Should I show up and tell this dude that his dad owed me a few grand? And hes been doing this all his life? If people have been coming and extorting money for years, what does it matter if he knows the guys name now? I imagine everyones been telling him what sort of guy his dad was when they came around trying to get their money out of him. And who the hell carries a checkbook around with them anymore?
Blargonaut: Kind of reminds me of that thread from a couple weeks back about the math/logic question off a test from Singapore where some girl told two guys half of the information they needed to know her birthday, and by a process of elimination figured it out. I didnt get that, and I dont get this either. Just What? What are we talking about? Explain it to me like Im five.
Cyan: Is this the same setting/characters as the one where the girls had to steal a book from the library? Because it is thematically and structurally very similar, and having familiarity with that one allowed me to fill in the gaps with the unfinished portions of this one with relative ease.
Ashes: I feel like I missed something vital when the third section came around, because I never got the impression that the narrator had been violent with his brother, or that he had been drinking. I was left wondering if I was just inattentive, or if his mom was a little unhinged. But then the brother comes back all beat up looking, so now I dont know whos supposed to be unhinged, because frankly they all sound a little bit damaged.
Votes:
1. Nezumi
2. mu cephei
3. Tangent
Totally sabotaging my chances of winning by giving Nezumi the first place vote, I just know it.
Yep, good eye! I'd been meaning to get back to that setting for a while, and this one felt right for a return. Too bad about my lack of discipline.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
It's not autobiographical. Having it come across as possibly being autobiographical in the slightest is pretty cool, though! It means my research paid off a bit, haha.
I guess I tend to stray toward stories of people overcoming obstacles, but don't like to go too in depth into the origin of the obstacles themselves.
I actually started trying to write this one on the morning the disease was first felt, but it wasn't flowing properly and I felt like I was appropriating a story that wasn't mine to tell since just that part of the idea was something I'd had from the experiences of someone I dated.
I need to make it a point to actually follow a traditional plot structure next week.
Thanks to everyone for the feedback! Sorry I couldn't contribute to it this week.
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