Ourobolus - Amazingly Glorious Title: This was hilarious. I thought it was funny how in the 1st six paragraphs, you have no idea that the MC is at war with his own cravings! I liked the flow of the story and was gripped to find out the end. When he said, “No, I can do this” and “No, I can’t do this,” I like how you chose the word “no” in both – just to highlight the negative mind frame the character was in. But I think there might have been more mental chatter around this and it would have been fun to hear, too. I liked the last line. If he were really, really upset with himself, I wonder if he’d throw out the rest of the donuts instead of the juicer. I remember an episode of the Office where someone took his hands and scooped up some cake to eat after going back and forth… and then I think he threw the rest of the cake out!
Neeener - Top Bunk: The way you captured the frame of mind of the kids was so solid. I like the part where you said, “For some reason the thought that she might die right now…. She wanted to jump up and down, or laugh, or scream. She wanted to let the crazy feeling out.” I like how Nina couldn’t process all the emotions she was feeling but it simply made her feel amped up. I think the relationship with her and John was also spot on. Maybe this is morbid of me, but I kept on wondering if some terrible, unintended accident would happen as I read.
Zeitgeister - the true mindkiller: I just hung out with some family recently and was thinking how people follow bad examples just to feel good, or something like that. So I liked where you were going with this. I liked the brain flow. You could do something with this!
Nezumi - You shall not...: This was hilarious. One thing that I thought was ironic was how non-loving, and impatient, and uncaring Zaphon was being! Just with his language and his indifference to the priest jumping out the window! I loved all the examples: someone getting the main message mixed up with the small talk, the woman tortured as a heretic, and the priest thinking he was the devil, and the “other people.” What a confused god. What a sad situation!
Mike - In Heaven, Everything is Fine: I was thinking about what it’d be like for a surgeon with red-green color blindness when you mentioned the shade of green and degrees of red.  It was fun to listen to this maniacal thought process and this obsession with workaholism. I go the God comparisons but wondered why he thought he was better than God, persay. But I liked the line, “But I’m not complaining, God, no.” And then it seemed like it was explained with the last paragraph. Funny, I have a friend who uses dextroamphetamine for ADHD and narcolepsy. Two birds with one stone! I did feel like the explanation of why being a surgeon was so great was a bit lengthy but maybe that was the point.
Dandy Crocodile – Bound: This reminded me of a beautiful podcast and the resolve that the person who was coming out of a coma had. I’m always struck by the resolve kids have in situations like these, and how they don’t feel embarrassed or self-pitying or whatever. I would have been curious to know if any of the visitors, like the mother or the brothers, might have said anything about resenting the MC. Or, if they would have revealed something about themselves or the family or something that they would have not said otherwise. And was it hard for the MC to not be able to show his affection?
mu cephei - The Last Time: This was so emotional to read! I liked how the MC tried to justify his actions and explain himself in his own head. I thought it was surprising that he’d care what the woman’s friend would think. Ugh, so hard to read. People are so trapped in their ways!
Tangent - The Greatest Show on Earth: I liked the “mad hatter” title I was given with my name.
FlowersisBritish - Fathers and Bastards: This was a fun read! I was surprised that the story started with Serg rather than Jackie. It was a nice surprise, since I thought of Jackie as the MC. I wanted to know more about Jackie and how he had grown to hate his dad if he didn’t know his dad’s name or who his dad was. But I guess he figured so much. The last sentence was so powerful. It’s interesting to think about how new information like that sticks like glue.
Blargonaut - Curio: I liked your choice of words and I liked how they got tripped up in what they were even bickering about. Dialog tags might have been helpful; I had to re-read a little to figure out who was talking… but not a big deal with such a short and sweet story, I suppose. I thought of ELI5 from Reddit. I wanted to know more about the characters and their ages and their relationship with each other.
Cyan - Refuge in Audacity: I can’t believe those other students! Especially because I think sometimes richer people have this sort guilt around privilege: they feel like they didn’t earn or deserve to get what they have – like going to that prestigious school. Not to say that’s a good thing, but man! These girls were the other extreme! I liked the paragraph about logic and tiredness battling against pride. I guess all characters had pride in their own way. This story reminded me of Trenton Lee Stewart’s The Mysterious Benedict Society – perhaps because of the entrance exam in Stewart’s book. I was wondering if you were going to do something with Amica’s habit of looking down – if it would somehow help when she asked the teachers or something, since it kept on coming up. You built the personalities really well.
Ashes - Dinghy in a Maelstrom: Gosh two stories with domestic abuse. Why?! WHY?! I think your style of having separate sections and no quotations worked beautifully in this story. I’m a little dense and I didn’t quite understand why the first part was called “red” and the second part was called “yellow.” But I wondered if it had to do with Mum’s obsession with painting, or if the colors would hint at “black and blue” since the violence that the MC had seemed to be a surprise. I liked the surprise; because it made his sense of being overwhelmed, running the show, taking care of everyone, thinking his paper dictated his future, etc. – it made all of that fall into place with him sort not being able to keep his shit together. I thought it was interesting though, that Mum only spoke with confidence at the end, when reminding her son of how her dad belted him for not tidying his room or what not. What was interesting about this story was that in the beginning, James seemed to be the aloof villain who just didn’t care. But then in the end, it seemed like the MC was the a-hole for not even responding genuinely to the brother – it seemed like he had to mask any sense of vulnerability.
All: I wish I had paid more attention to word choice and to see how many people followed the secondary -- er tertiary objective. I guess the fact that nothing stuck out is interesting in and of itself though. Because that means those who followed the secondary had just as much of a smooth read as those who didn't.
Also, man, I feel like the more time I spend in reading stuff, the harder it for me to vote. One thing I can't stand about myself is my indecision. So may good stories. I'm flipping through them right now trying to figure out how to vote and it is HARD! Lots of good ones.
Votes:
1. Neener
2. Nezumi
3. Mu cephui
I also really liked both stories with domestic abuse in them and the odd relationship between "bastard" and "father,"even though these were jarringly emotional to read! I feel like the theme this week was that we're all crazy!
Tangent: What I found strange though was that he appeared to be the only elephant with a past like this.
Good point. I remember reading a short non-fiction story about an elephant sanctuary, and they seemed to have all sorts of backgrounds, but you're right: with the institution of the ban, you'd think the circus elephants would be crowding the sanctuaries in droves.
Even though I knew the elephants were going to start talking, it still seemed like a stumble when it actually did. Everything up until that point had been very naturalistic, and Harold had even had a few interactions with the elephants before there was any dialogue, which made the change to spoken dialogue a bit jarring. I also found it odd that the beginning of the story highlights the hardships circus elephants undergo with the bullhooks and other means of negative reinforcement to get them to behave, and yet Harold is eager to do a performance for the other elephants? While acknowledging that the “yoga poses” hurt his back in the same breath? I get that he was trying to connect on some meaningful level with them, but his circus tricks didn’t ever seem like something he’d want to willingly revisit in the hopes of impressing the other elephants. Kind of stands at odds with a closeness with his trainers too.
Good point about how there were natural interactions between the elephants, and then jarring dialog. I, too, felt like the dialog wasn't working but I didn't know how to fix it. Also, I see what you're saying: about how torturous it was to be a circus elephant, so why would he be so eager to to share the tricks? I think I was trying to get at how we're just a product of our upbringing and in some weird, twisted way, this is all he knew. He has to feel proud of something and he's so hyper-disciplined and trained, that he doesn't know anything else. And I think he had closeness with his trainers because I think this sort of thing happens.... there can be strong relationships between the oppressor and the oppressee....just like how a kidnapped kid can grow to be very loyal to kidnapper over the years, etc. Or just "codependency" in general.... I guess I didn't capture that well but I was trying to elude to that with the closeness between Harold and the trainers.
