Cowlick - Consumed: This didn't really grab me. It's a little front loaded with you explaining characters and motivations. Your story revolves around finding Goodman but there isn't really much of a struggle to get to Goodman. Just the one obstacle and then we're at Goodman. So the search isn't the interesting part, which means the finding of a culture of magic is the real interesting part, but you end on it, and we don't really explore what that means in the long run. Even if I didn't like it, I did miss your style Cowlick. Your writing was generally clear, character's thought out, and I thought your description of magic at the end was pretty good.
Cyan - The Enchanter's Apprentice Immediately I am not prepared for this? First person present tense?! Are you insane?! I can't think of another story of yours that's done that? The style works very well here, and I'm impressed at the quality all around. I thought there would be atleast one jarring part but no, it's all solid and flows smoothly. I did start out a little confused at the concept of a copyright spell though, and thus, the role of the guild and how this guy's potion will ruin them until about halfway through the story. I like the twist. It's a very good twist, it's just the reveal feels too much like a ”ha! I got you!" moment with him over explaining the twist. A bit more subduedness would definitely make the twist hit a bit more for me.
Charade - Shoulder of Orion: I appreciate your string of horror stories. I kind of felt the ending was a little to abrupt, but I hold that to the word count, not you. The title helps the events of the story make sense in retrospect, and I want to applaud you for being so subtle in your eldritch horror. I think the big problem for me, and why this didn't completely work for me, is two aspects. One; you see Jack's descent into madness, but Cheryl's is not as shocking or jarring. All she does is laugh, and while the scene was awkward, I didn't really see enough of her to make it out o character for her. Especially when i chuckled at the stoned joke. Two; in your big finale, I was instantly taken out of it when you said she cut out her stomach because that is absolutely not how that would work. I can get into a litany of biology, but the long-short of it is the stomach is one of those things where you'd just die if you cut a massive hole in it. Jack I can buy though, and his mangled body was a good reveal.
Chodi - The Forge of Parnassus: This was pretty good in a lot of ways. Normally I don't like that kind of computer terminal datalog stuff in stories, but I thought it worked really well here, especially when you ended on it. I kind of wished you did end on that. You might have risked your ending being a bit confusing, but I'm not really a fan of your epilogue even if it's clear there is a larger story here than the word count can contain. A small note: I feel like in a salvage job, there is
something they can grab, because when you do salvage, you grab litterally
anything: plates:, chairs, stuff not stuck to the wall. It's sort of like robbing someone only with a fancier word.
Cathy - Second Chance: Okay, that twist got me, mostly because it comes pretty far out of left field. It also opens up a lot of questions I kind of want to ask, but the story just ends. I think the thing that's mostly weighing on my mind is, does it really count if it's a clone that goes out into space? Not the real person? Like, he's going to die of old age anyways even if there is someone in space. I have mix feelings about the personal little asides from the MC, mostly because they felt very..... Aside. You might want to try adding little bits of world information and such in them. Not enough for an exposition dump, but like the the PIE thing-cute name, isn't it?, you could added a bit about the history of the program or something. Just a thought.
Dongs Macrabre - The Fallen Climb: I liked the beginning part as you explain why the MC is climbing up the mountain, but when you switch styles to really short sections, it kind of lost me because I wasn't sure why? Whatever the purpose of it, it flew over my head and just jarred me. I swung quite a bit around when we got to the red door and the mysterious woman behind it. That scene was pretty well done and very interesting to read. If I could recommend one addition to that great scene, maybe a bit more specificity in her actions and movements. She's not communicating with her voice, so you should be clear in her form communication.
Alucard - Chasing Death I thought the action was good. I'm a bit of a sword buff, so i always give points when I see things like ”high-parry" Very quick and visceral and you actually made your fight scenes enjoyable to read (and more importantly, not a mess to read) which I find rare in fiction so good job. My big issue with this is mostly that Juliana is kinda boring. She's all grit and fight and outside of killing people I didn't really care much for her, so the more emtoional/talking bits feel flat for me. Tough and Gruff characters like Julliana are usually tough to carry a story with, that's why a lot of people partner them with a snarky foil or something (Though i don't know if I'd recomend doing that because that's kind of a cliche tbh).
Mike M - Brave Souls: I tried for about half an hour to find an article I read on things bilingual people are sick of seeing in fiction, but one of them is randomly dropping different language words into sentences. ”Necronauts" is an amazing term. Holy shit. I did not really expect the device to peirce into the realm of the dead, so that was an interesting revelation. I don't relaly have much to say on this, I liked the ending with Erikson's last line, it offered a bit of literary depth to the story, but outside of the general concepts, I didn't really feel for it. I think it's because once it's revealed it would go to the world of the dead, I kind of already knew everything that was going to happen afterwards.
Keleesto - The Price of Promotion This was really good. I enjoyed parts of it. Other bits: not so much. A lot of the Korean stuff read a little iffy to me, like talking about the Korean people. As a general rule, i get a little iffy when people use ”their people" or stuff like that. Outside of that, I really liked where it went. I'm a little surprised the big scientific hook ended up being cloning. The ending, while I like in spirit, left me a bit confused as to why the Koreans would sacrifice everything to help this one lady out.
Kage - Oneironaut Welcome aboard. And really strong first entry. You did a neat little gimmick that honestly really worked out well and complimented your story amazingly. Good job!I think the story might need a bit of work, even if the style was pitch perfect. I was a more than a little confused by the ending, though I think I get it? He made up the voice? Or
was the voice? Again, not too sure what happened, though I think if I did, I would have liked it.
Tangent - The Ants Go Marching: In the ant section, the switch from third to first confused the hell out of me. The end was a fun little punchline that really encapsulates what it's like constantly
dealing with losing to pests. Since people are sharing pest stories, my apartment was once invaded by yellow jackets that got in through an open window by the hundreds. Shit was pretty scary.
LaMagenta - Always a Queen! This murder plot was just bang bang bang (as in really quick) All the pieces got into place and just kind of moved like clockwork. I have mixed feelings about the baby reveal. Its a good twist, and pretty dark, but you only bring up the baby right before the reveal, so that feels like cheating. But if you brought it up earlier, well I'd probably guess the twist, but I'm okay at guessing twists. The pace was a little too fast, and the murder plot went a little too smoothly for me, but overall I enjoyed this and thought your MC was pretty interesting.
Votes
1. Cyan
2. Charade
3. Dongs Macabre
I echo Ashes question: Flowers, you okay?
I'm okay kind of? I don't know, it's complicated. The short story (badumptish) is that I have some pretty serious issues with depression and some events kind of spiraled it these last few days. Honestly, it's nothing I'd call "new" just a little worse than it usually gets. I do really appreciate your concern though. Knowing some people care about your well being always helps.
Mike M, thanks for the feedback. It was a first draft and I self-admittedly know it's not my best work. :-/ I wasn't feeling it beyond the idea of a badass female champion whipping around a claymore on guys in skull masks. Maybe it could've been better with more time. I'm aiming for better with the next one.
It should be mentioned and remembered that it's okay to submit meh stories to the challenges. Not everyone writing is writing on their A game. The point is to put in the effort to get
something out. Sometimes that something is good, sometimes it's not, sometimes its a surprise even to ourselves.