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On still being a virgin/virgin shaming.
- Thread starter M0nochromatic
- Start date
HellforLeather
Member
Its a pretty benign insult....definitely not worth cutting someone out of your life for
I cant tell if this is sarcasm or not.
frankie_baby
Member
Probably better to just get it over with if you get a chance though, it'll make things a damn site better when you find someone you want to have sex with
clearestblue
Neo Member
I wouldn't say I've ever been shamed but people act fuckin weird. Like I'm broken or something. Both men and women.
But I've had men ask me if I need "help" and offer their "services" to get it over with 🙄
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Often you can tell, theres the cliche of the unnatractive, socially awkward anime fan for example. Often these guys gain a whole load of confidence once they lose thier virginity.
It is a bit hard to deal with at the age of 32, fortunately i am isolated enough from the society to not have to hear people mention it. I swing between fatalism, trying to keep hope, and overthinking things.I try to focus on thingsi can control and feelings and people cannot be.
Us sex-havers have a secret handshake.
Yeah I think this is one of the worst symptoms of the patriarchy for men. Obviously affects women too but nowhere near to the same extent (whole other nasty dynamic there).
I felt really terrible when I was a virgin and I've felt more confident since even though it has been many years now and it's all because of societal pressure.
I felt really terrible when I was a virgin and I've felt more confident since even though it has been many years now and it's all because of societal pressure.
travisbickle
Member
Please, don't do this.
cromofo
Member
69 degrees
WaterAstro
Member
Unfortunately, society and popular media portray this idea quite a lot.
I personally hear it often in social circles. I don't think it's good at all.
I personally hear it often in social circles. I don't think it's good at all.
It's a touchy subject for some people. Words that dig deep aren't benign anymore.
Chaos2Frozen
Member
Are you seeing anyone?
Have you seen anyone before?
No-No, probably a virgin
No-Yes, eh benefit of the doubt
I mean, be smart of course. Use protection and don't cheap out.
Hickbilly Deluxe
Banned
We live in a world where people in their late 20s still act like teenagers. So yes, they most certainly do.
Virginity at 40 allows for a class change. There are classes way beyond wizard.
Hell, dude, have you met some 90-year-olds?
Some Nobody
Junior Member
Nah, now they do both. Which for women as always a thing, really. No sex you're a prude, too much you're a slut. How did humans get so damn dumb.
You think about it btw, and we DO virgin shame as adults. The we may not call people virgins but how often do we say "He/She just needs to get laid" , like a few minutes of intercourse can solve someone's problems.
Seven4sses
Member
Tried that. Dumbest decision of my life
so far
I'm kinda glad they only thing that happened was fellatio with the condom on, but even that was fucking horrible
I'm just gonna have to learn how to deal with rejection, but at this point I'd rather feel rejected than the regret I felt that day.
johancruijff
Banned
My father always told me that back in the day if someone was believed virgin, an expedition was organized
Expecially for the poorest guys, groups of men will put money and drive them to prostitutes
Just to remove that stigma
Expecially for the poorest guys, groups of men will put money and drive them to prostitutes
Just to remove that stigma
Hickbilly Deluxe
Banned
Its more than just virginity; as a straight guy whos not really red-blooded and doesnt particularly like talking about sex or womens bodies or take part in locker room talk Ive definitely felt shamed for it. To be clear, its not that Im getting offended, it just doesnt interest me. But that makes me a prude or a beta or whatever.
hanspampel
Banned
This needs more explanation
Why did it never aligned in 15 years.
How ofteb was it the case. And how did you manage to not lower your "standard" to make it happen just out of curiosity?
I don't think I've ever considered whether someone was a virgin or not unless they brought it up. I've known some really attractive women that have social issues in finding sexual partners. It can be tough during discussions about their confidence, self-image, and assumptions made towards them based on looks.
I try not to shame or make assumptions with any gender.
I try not to shame or make assumptions with any gender.
bitbydeath
Gold Member
If she hasn't put out for you yet then his mum just isn't into you.
I was a virgin till my 25s. I remember how awful it felt prior to that. It was hard to pinpoint why was I such a sad case compared to my friends who were not better looking really or more suave. None of then "manned up" and got some. All of them just had luck falling on their laps earlier (we're a group of like minded nerds). How I finally ended up losing my virginity? By omitting the virginity part. Instead of being a virgin, it was "it's been a while so I might be a bit rusty" instead. Losing virginity changed nothing for me except that people didn't perceive me as "broken" anymore.
I'm still no better or confident than a virgin would be (since it was just that one time). Seems to make more of a difference to other people rather than me.
I'm still no better or confident than a virgin would be (since it was just that one time). Seems to make more of a difference to other people rather than me.
Silvergun-Blue
Member
Men are shamed for not having sex, women are shamed for having sex.
The obvious solution is for men to have sex with each other, but they get shamed (and much worse) for doing that too.
Society can be dumb as fuck sometimes.
The obvious solution is for men to have sex with each other, but they get shamed (and much worse) for doing that too.
Society can be dumb as fuck sometimes.
Some Nobody
Junior Member
Does it? Sometimes it happens that way. And why would you lower your standards? The assumption there is that the guy maybe wants a model, but what if it was a personality thing? Should you lower your standards then, just to satisfy a base curiosity?
I get it. I'm a few years younger than him and I'm a virgin. Sometimes it doesn't line up. Last two girls I asked out turned me down. No biggie, it happens. You move on, if you have any semblance of respect for her and yourself. I've been hit on twice in that same length of time. Once by a guy on OKC who lived in Hawaii and once at a Carl Jr's/Hardee's by a woman in her late 40s. Should I have lowered my standards?
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
oooh... you might want to read up on the history of sexual assault and its legal status.
If people are still pretty toxic about sex, relations, and marriage, today, think how they were a few decades ago.
No, I don't want to go back there or suggest it was fine, but it was a lot easier to get away with, and the idea of a woman saying 'no' wasn't exactly a social value either. That's what we needed feminism for. And still do.
Example would be that nobody realizes that it's insanely difficult for women to admit that marriage isn't the Disney fairy tale they thought they were promised too. Which is what the plot with Dianne in Bojack Horseman S4 is really about, but looking at the relevant threads nobody seems to notice that even an actual feminist can still get trapped in patriarchal gender roles. Yes, it's a character, not a real person, but the scenario isn't alien or rare in reality.
Or from the same show: being asexual (Todd), which is obviously relevant in this topic.
And that's just relationships and social image. Now you just need to throw in a complete lack of functional sex education and you've got yourself a social dumpster fire on steroids.
Your post reminded me of a manga that covers this exact subject - "The Private Report on My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness", where she learns pretty much exactly what you stated in your post.
And yet another point against weighting sex as heavily as we do - real intimacy is something a bit different from just banging your genitals together with another human being. What a lot of folks are looking for isn't just a quick hook-up, and unfortunately society doesn't really do a good job of communicating that to people who don't already benefit from that kind of intimate relationship.
If you wanna be a virgin, go for it! Who cares what people say about it, and for that matter who cares whether people know about it? Don't go telling everyone you're a virgin. What's the point of that anyways?
If you don't want to be a virgin, do something about it. I don't want to hear about how you're too fat, or too ugly. Fatter people have met someone and had sex. Uglier people have met someone and had sex. The only thing stopping you is yourself.
If you want to hold women to an unrealistic physical standard and use that to justify why you haven't found someone, I have no sympathy for you.
If you think that women are on a pedestal to be worshiped, and wonder why woman haven't responded to your chivalrous advances, stop being a creep. Women are people like you, and they'd probably like to have sex, just like you. They don't want men who act like women are goddesses that bestows their pussy upon those who are worthy.
Sex is not a gift and it's not a right. It's a natural desire had by almost everyone. If you don't have those desires, congratulations! You can put your time and energy to better pursuits.
But if you desire the touch of another person, and the closer physical and emotional intimacy it can bring, stop making excuses for why you haven't. Stop acting like a victim misunderstood by the world and the opposite sex. Stop justifying your virginity with bullshit excuses.
If you truly don't care that you're a virgin, you should feel no shame in it, just like those who don't drink or do drugs should feel no shame in being sober. If you do feel shame, that's on you for broadcasting your virginity openly when you clearly are uncomfortable about it. Unlike gender, or race, or socioeconomic class, you don't have to wear your sexual prowess or lack thereof on the outside.
I apologize if this comes off as insensitive, but shame is a social construct. Sexual preference should be a personal construct. You should not mix the two together.
If you don't want to be a virgin, do something about it. I don't want to hear about how you're too fat, or too ugly. Fatter people have met someone and had sex. Uglier people have met someone and had sex. The only thing stopping you is yourself.
If you want to hold women to an unrealistic physical standard and use that to justify why you haven't found someone, I have no sympathy for you.
If you think that women are on a pedestal to be worshiped, and wonder why woman haven't responded to your chivalrous advances, stop being a creep. Women are people like you, and they'd probably like to have sex, just like you. They don't want men who act like women are goddesses that bestows their pussy upon those who are worthy.
Sex is not a gift and it's not a right. It's a natural desire had by almost everyone. If you don't have those desires, congratulations! You can put your time and energy to better pursuits.
But if you desire the touch of another person, and the closer physical and emotional intimacy it can bring, stop making excuses for why you haven't. Stop acting like a victim misunderstood by the world and the opposite sex. Stop justifying your virginity with bullshit excuses.
If you truly don't care that you're a virgin, you should feel no shame in it, just like those who don't drink or do drugs should feel no shame in being sober. If you do feel shame, that's on you for broadcasting your virginity openly when you clearly are uncomfortable about it. Unlike gender, or race, or socioeconomic class, you don't have to wear your sexual prowess or lack thereof on the outside.
I apologize if this comes off as insensitive, but shame is a social construct. Sexual preference should be a personal construct. You should not mix the two together.
Queen Vulpix
Member
I turn 26 next week and while I have engaged in oral sex plenty of times with my guy friends (when they were single) through the years if virginity/loss of it = penetrative sex then I guess I am still one. Like another poster mentioned I've dealt with large amounts of insecurities over my body/lack of confidence and other things so I've never dated even when my friends think I look fine and I'm silly for worrying and that's led to me never dating. I've had the opportunities to lose it with said friends if I wanted to and while I don't value it in the "saving it for marriage" kind of way I just have no real interest in it with someone I don't have strong emotional feelings for as that aspect of it is far more important to me. So it's whatever though I'd never judge anyone for not having sex or having a lot of it.
MegaManTrigger
Banned
You'd be surprised. There are some non-virgins that treat virginity as a barrier for determining whether someone is socially skilled, or that the more partners they've had, the better their sexual skill is. Both of which are inadequately answered because the non-virgin didn't take the time to actually get to know and understand the virgin.
Maybe to you, but these are words that can trigger people.
Rhomega Beta
Member
I'll stick with being a Chronomancer, thank you.
lol I did the same thing.
"How long has it been since your last time?"
"Two years."
"Really? How come?"
"¯\_(ツ
_/¯"It's weird how in this age where sex and gender freedom are more important than ever, there's still a stigma against virgins or people who have little/no sex.
What's most unfortunate about this stigma is if one really smanged, does this really change their lives? Is that sense of lack somehow totally taken away?
The egoic mind will always, always, always find a game to continue it's perpetuity of lack. If it's not "I haven't fucked" it's "I haven't fucked X people" or "I haven't fucked in X way" or "I haven't fucked in X time" or "I lack this" or "I lack that" where the game is played now beyond the topic of the "filling the less-than me" void which will never, ever be filled because on an intrinsic level, one is never lacking. Ever.
It is deeply hard for that sense of self-realization to soak in, as we avoid it. We care too much to accumulate, to look outside, to acquire, instead of inquire into the nature of thought, the feeling of lack, and the empty games of filling it up. It's all distractions, and what is most tragic is, by and large, we have succeeded in this regard than arguably more than anything our species has done with our limelight in the universe.
I feel compelled to say it again, but it's deeply upsetting to know people are caught in this conceptual vice and find another way to, in the words of Tara Brach, continue the "trance of unworthiness" in their lives. We've all done this on some level, and we've all made a mistake each and every time we've ever done it.
its especially stupid because for some people like me, you have sex and it doesnt amount to much of anything and you find out you basically just don't like it. so you have to deal with dumb bullshit from people who act like its the most important thing in the world for it all to culminate in a pretty damp squib
making a big deal out of having had sex is a teenager thing to do before you actually have had it, if anyone over the age of 17 made it out to be a big deal i would think they had a severe maturity problem or have some really tragically stupid influences in life
making a big deal out of having had sex is a teenager thing to do before you actually have had it, if anyone over the age of 17 made it out to be a big deal i would think they had a severe maturity problem or have some really tragically stupid influences in life
Roufianos
Member
I lost it early 20s but it was to the girl I love. I had lots of other chances but I'm glad I waited. Not really a big deal either way though.
I used to admit it to people, I didn't used to get teased but it was more like people felt sorry for me.
I remember whenever I met a girl it would be the first thought on everyone's mind, my friends cared about it more than I did.
There's really no shame in it. My best looking friend is still a virgin at 24. He's the only guy I've ever been out to bars with who frequently gets approached by women. I have nothing but respect for him, he just hasn't met the right girl.
I used to admit it to people, I didn't used to get teased but it was more like people felt sorry for me.
I remember whenever I met a girl it would be the first thought on everyone's mind, my friends cared about it more than I did.
There's really no shame in it. My best looking friend is still a virgin at 24. He's the only guy I've ever been out to bars with who frequently gets approached by women. I have nothing but respect for him, he just hasn't met the right girl.
MegaManTrigger
Banned
I'd argue it's not about being life-changing or a game of lack, but rather, having sex with someone for your first time would give you some validation that people find you attractive. Which in turn, would ideally increase your confidence when dealing with the people of interest. I'm still struggling with that at 24, but relative to people my age who aren't virgins, I've found people gravitating towards them because of their confidence and being socially tuned.
Some Nobody
Junior Member
*sigh* This is why I don't tell people I'm a virgin. Comes with all these gross assumptions about who I am as a person. Its cool that you think all virgins are "nice guys" who only date "8s and up" , but the reality is personality plays a larger role in my interest in someone than physical appearance ever will, and I'm not putting anyone on a pedestal.
If virginity only counted penetrative sex then a LOT of members of the LGBT+ community would be virgins. I'd say it has to be more wide-ranging than that.
To this I would ask: does it matter if others love you if you do not love yourself?
I'm sure you know the type who are told they're kind, intelligent, skilled, what have you and find a way to deflect all praise and acknowledgement. How many can say they fucked to get it out of the way, but their feelings of being a less-than didn't scrub off during the hip movements?
Why does one need validation from external factors? This leads right into the conflict of comparisons, be it with others or ideas, and the wheel of suffering turns again.
In order to have confidence, you have to be content in your own body. This is directly a problem of self, and all of the accumulations and praises and good words and good genital play will do nothing to truly, deeply fill this. It's built internally and given to others externally. If it ain't in you as is, where else can it grow?
Can we start shaming these people instead? Please?
You all seriously need to rethink yourselves.
lol I did the same thing.
"How long has it been since your last time?"
"Two years."
"Really? How come?"
"¯\_(ツ
It's weird how in this age where sex and gender freedom are more important than ever, there's still a stigma against virgins or people who have little/no sex.
Tell me about it. I still have one friend that I know of who is stuck in this damn wheel.
Queen Vulpix
Member
Oh I certainly agree (I'm Bi myself though I haven't had any sexual/relationship experience with other women) but that's why I phrased it the way I did because at least in my experience many people seem to count it only penetrative sex as whether one is or isn't. I personally view it as a lot more broader.
MegaManTrigger
Banned
Idt it has anything to do with not loving one's self, though it does play a role with some. The thing is, you can be as confident as you can about yourself and the value that you would bring to a significant other, but at the end of the day, someone has to see that too. It would reaffirm that someone sees something in you, in the same way that you see something in yourself. I would argue that validation is a pretty big deal when it comes to relationship matters, even if people say that its bs.
Evil Monkey DTT
Banned
Virgins or people with kinks shouldn't be shamed, rapists should be.
T
thepotatoman
Unconfirmed Member
It is a little weird to have an insult targeted specifically at a certain group of people that'd be wrong to use other people. I used "cuck" with very specific targets as well, but eventually decided against doing it.
It feels too much like normalizing it. Maybe intent and use is perfectly pure, but other people maybe just pick up on it being an acceptable general insult and go off and use it where it shouldn't just because people helped spread the word in a overly subtle ironic way.
I'm not very concerned about it being used against PUA and the rest of that crowd, but maybe it's better to just not do it at all, or at least be very specific when using it.
It feels too much like normalizing it. Maybe intent and use is perfectly pure, but other people maybe just pick up on it being an acceptable general insult and go off and use it where it shouldn't just because people helped spread the word in a overly subtle ironic way.
I'm not very concerned about it being used against PUA and the rest of that crowd, but maybe it's better to just not do it at all, or at least be very specific when using it.