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[Danchi]

First page:

I do. So there must be at least a hundred thousand people in USA or UK that do as well.
And that is all you really need to succeed.

And by the fourth:

I like it. I'm sure I'll find a couple people who like the book. And that's all I care about.

 

[XANDER CAGE]

Is Donny about to "Jew-fuck" this cat with that knife, OP?

Well, the cat is black, so I'm sure there's some material OP can work with here.

 

[Trouble]

OP, it seems KingDirk's work on The New Testahitch has stalled, maybe he'll collaborate.

 

[Ntsouls]

He told me he is really impressed by your work and to keep it up.

Ha

Even there he doesn't take any criticism and did I read it correctly? He's planning on FIVE books using this...."humor?" Wow

Thats the plan.

Seriously..?

Quickly, GAF! To the Twittermobile!

He's on Twitter, send him a link.

Go ahead.

 

[The Smoking Bun]

He's on Twitter, send him a link.

Or don't because Gervais will support him and use his book as the centrepiece of his next stand up comedy bit. It will be called, "This fucking guy!"

 

[GQman2121]

I've only read the excerpts from this thread, but OP, if you have your name attached to this in anyway online, I would hope you're either financially stable, already a millionaire or comfortable with your current place in life because you're certainly unemployable to most modern society.

I say this for your reflection as you seem to be an incredibly dense person based on your replies.

 

[Cyan]

Advice is good.

Ok, here's some actual advice. Read this. As much of it as you can stand. Then come back.





How much did you read? Did you make it through the entire Old Testament? No. Of course you didn't. Because the humor got old after the first two paragraphs, and then it just became irritating, predictable, and boring.

Now recognize that this concept is actually funnier than yours.


If you want to learn to write humor, read humor. Read Pratchett, and Adams. Read Dave Barry. Read the Onion's Our Dumb Century. Read Catch-22. Read widely and read people you're not even sure you'll find funny. See what happens. See what you learn.

And write your own stuff. Not "translations" where you take already existing text and try to add jokes to it. Write your own material. Your own fiction, or non-fiction, or whatever you want to write. Get feedback on it. Get better.

Given your responses in this thread, you probably won't take this advice. That's fine. Keep it in the back of your mind for when you finally get over this 21st Century Bible idea and have room for new projects.

 

[Crimsonclaw111]

You should post this on Reddit and gather more feedback.

 

[Ntsouls]

You should post this on Reddit and gather more feedback.

I tried. Sadly. Nobody responded really.

 

[CharminUltra]

OP, I think you should still go ahead with your project despite the less than favorable reception it got here, and I think you should spend as much money and resources as possible to make your dream come true. You might also want to consider performing readings in public places like parks, churches, and malls so as to increase exposure. Sometimes, true genius isn't identified right away; just keep at it.

 

[BTA]

This is basically what's going on here. The OP sees transgressive humor on South Park and Family Guy, thinks that the funny part must be just the transgressiveness since that's what's most obvious about it, and then tries to copy it.

This happens a lot with "random" humor as well. People see random humor where the most obvious thing about it is that it's "random," then they say "random" things and think it'll be funny. Yes, the randomness is part of what makes it funny, but you need more than just that.

I'll be fair and say that there certainly are people who see the transgressiveness as the appeal, but the "jokes" in this are so bad that those people still probably wouldn't find it funny. And what's worse is that while it's tempting to say that he's just spouting what he knows people will find offensive/vulgar and react to, it's clear that he actually believes some of the incredibly racist/homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic stuff in here.

 

[Ntsouls]

OP, I think you should still go ahead with your project despite the less than favorable reception it got here, and I think you should spend as much money and resources as possible to make your dream come true. You might also want to consider readings in public places like parks, churches, and malls. Sometimes, true genius isn't identified right away.

Well I'm not going to spend all my money on it. I'll make flyers. Pass it out. Finish a website for it. Try to get some twitter followers. Then launch a new kickstarter. If it fails again. Then I duno. I guess I'll leave it be and come back later or something.

I'll be fair and say that there certainly are people who see the transgressiveness as the appeal, but the "jokes" in this are so bad that those people still probably wouldn't find it funny. And what's worse is that while it's tempting to say that he's just spouting what he knows people will find offensive/vulgar and react to, it's clear that he actually believes some of the incredibly racist/homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic stuff in here.

Does Sacha Baren Cohen BELIEVE in the things that are in Borat or Bruno?

 

[remnant]

I'm going to give you different advice OP. You should write this, because writing it isn't going to hurt you. The problem with most people who want to become writers(or anything, really) is that they don't actually do it, and honestly why allow strangers who don't give a shit about you tell you what to do with your time? If you are committed to this, do it. It's going to suck most likely, but you will learn a lot by just doing it.

That said. It isn't funny. It's not a unique take on thew bible, and you make a lot of cardinal sins about comedy. Give people fucking room to laugh. Every line is trying to be more "offensive and funny" than the next, that nothing really builds. Even if there is something that makes me chuckle, it was immediately followed by a worse joke.

Step back, focus on what is actually funny in your script and build to that. It probably means you are going to be writing a lot more just straight translations of the bible than you want, but atleast it will be readable.

Oh right, continue the dogpile.

 

[Dopus]

I tried. Sadly. Nobody responded really.

Could it be because this is utter garbage?

I mean, just look at the response you're getting. Doesn't it tell you something?

 

[duckroll]

OP, I think you should still go ahead with your project despite the less than favorable reception it got here, and I think you should spend as much money and resources as possible to make your dream come true. You might also want to consider performing readings in public places like parks, churches, and malls so as to increase exposure. Sometimes, true genius isn't identified right away; just keep at it.

Are you asking him to reenact this scene in Die Hard with a Vengeance?!

 

[kess]

So, this project made r/shittykickstarters

 

[Crimsonclaw111]

Could it be because this is utter garbage?

I mean, just look at the response you're getting. Doesn't it tell you something?

Maybe it was the wrong subreddit.

 

[Veritigo_X]

Maybe it was the wrong subreddit.

Obviously it was. It got a pretty good response in the subreddit posted above.

 

[Blood Red Sky]

Then I duno. I guess I'll leave it be and come back later or something.

Just the first part.

 

[Dopus]

Maybe it was the wrong subreddit.

Yeah, you're probably right.

 

[theWB27]

So, this project made r/shittykickstarters

This is too good

 

[Baron von Loathsome]

So, this project made r/shittykickstarters

Holy shit.

 

[Aquamarine]

From Reddit:

Mind posting some of the racism? I couldn't even make it 3 sentences in

Genesis 1:2 At first the universe was empty and without a defined shape. Like Filipina women.
(Not racist, but derogatory)

Genesis 1:4 However, God saw that this brightness was a bit dim, like a cosmetologist with a tramp-stamp or anyone with a neck tattoo.

Genesis 2:11 The name of the first is Wailuku, which is Hawaiian for “God‟s pee”; it runs through the entire land of Hawaii, where there used to be gold until “a bunch of trifflin ass niggas stoled it”.

Genesis 10:4 The sons of Jovan were Kuam Don Foo the Brazilian, Derbegoldindemhills Jose the Mexican, Katrapist Ibanez the Filipino, and the Nigga O‟Coon the Black who took over all of Africa.

Genesis 42:9 Then Meyer-Jospeh remembered the dreams he had dreamed about them, and he said to them, “Ah. A bunch of cheap greedy bastards eh? You give Jews a bad name. You know that? I mean “Jew”? What kind of a name is that anyways? Jew what? Jew got any money because I‟m a greedy fuck? That‟s why Hitler is over there using us as burnt offerings. No, fuck you guys. You are spies, probably for Hitler; you have come to see if our land is vulnerable for your Nazi fucking master.”

What's messed up is how much he's written. He's really onto something horrible here.

Oh my god.

 

[Collete]

Welp, time to go back and edit my novel and take heed of other people's criticism and revise and delete accordingly...*cough cough*

 

[Cyan]

I'm going to give you different advice OP. You should write this, because writing it isn't going to hurt you.

You should really read the text. He links it in the OP.

 

[owlbeak]

I tried. Sadly. Nobody responded really.

No, but your kickstarter got posted to the Shitty Kickstarter subreddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/shittykicks..._kickstarter_for_a_modern_translation_of_the/

Just look at that miserable son of a bitch. Whatever shitty thing is going on in your life, at least you're not him.

So this is what insanity looks like.

Worst thing I've ever tried to read.

It's like if Larry the Cable Guy tried to impersonate Vonnegut... How awful.

edit: whoops, beaten!

 

[Captain Europe]

This is supposed to be funny?
It's nothing like South Park and Family Guy.

 

[phillipgessert]

Does Sacha Baren Cohen BELIEVE in the things that are in Borat or Bruno?

The characters he plays do. Are you playing a character right now?

 

[CornBurrito]

It really does remind me of the sort of stuff my friend and I would write as little kids, that basically just used every dirty word and concept we knew, randomly mashed together, because the act of using transgressive language was itself funny. Because we were ten and you didn't need actual humor at ten to find the words shit and poop and penis and dildo funny. Except we weren't quite so racist.

OP, you know that you have to be at least thirteen to post on GAF, right?

"In the beginning God created a dildo shit poop penis that came light"

OP mind taking me on as a cowriter? I can give you more HI-larious lines like the above.

 

[Kano on the Phone]

Are you asking him to reenact this scene in Die Hard with a Vengeance?!

That scene is probably the Citizen Kane of comedy in OP's mind.

This is supposed to be funny?
It's nothing like South Park and Family Guy.

If you taught a monkey English, and showed them South Park and they understood the language but lacked any capacity for context or subtext, they would end up with the same sense of humor OP has.

 

[Dude Abides]

When this project inevitably becomes wildly successful, you may have some trouble with Warner Brothers for ripping off Elmer Fudd.

 

[jay]

Does Sacha Baren Cohen BELIEVE in the things that are in Borat or Bruno?

I figured out one of the many problems. Everything you cite is television. You don't learn how to write well by watching tv shows. If you are serious about writing something, read something.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

This is a good example that GAF doesn't actually have a defense force for everything. Some things are just that bad.

 

[freenudemacusers]

op have you considered merchandizing

 

[Cosmo Clock 21]

Does Sacha Baren Cohen BELIEVE in the things that are in Borat or Bruno?

If this is your defense, you don't understand why S.B. Cohen is considered funny.

 

[Snuggles]

So, this project made r/shittykickstarters

You know, I have the give the OP some credit. I've never seen the internet of all places agree so unanimously on something. There has yet to be a single person to say "it's bad, but not that bad". For a moment we are truly united (in disgust).

 

[CornBurrito]

is Family Guy and South Park a defense to everything?

For some reason a lot of people (read: young teens) think South Park contains intelligent and well thought out political philosophy. They take the show's philosophy seriously, instead of recognizing it is a comedy. Of course the creators sometimes do this too, so I can't fault them. So yeah people use it as a defense.

 

[Brawndo Addict]

It's like the idea behind 'Fedora Atheist' actually came to life and wrote a "book". I wanted to believe this was a meta-commentary on how stupid those kinds of people are, but over 50 pages of this shit is more commitment to a bad joke than I can believe. You can't just throw out racial/sexist slurs and insults and say it's a joke and therefore not racist. Can you explain in normal words what makes your 'humor' funny? Why is comparing the universe's lack of shape to a Filipina woman "funny"? If you can't explain it what makes it funny beyond simply saying South Park/Family guy, then you're too far gone to even try to prompt to any modicum of self-reflection.

 

[theWB27]

I'm going to give you different advice OP. You should write this, because writing it isn't going to hurt you. The problem with most people who want to become writers(or anything, really) is that they don't actually do it, and honestly why allow strangers who don't give a shit about you tell you what to do with your time? If you are committed to this, do it. It's going to suck most likely, but you will learn a lot by just doing it.

That said. It isn't funny. It's not a unique take on thew bible, and you make a lot of cardinal sins about comedy. Give people fucking room to laugh. Every line is trying to be more "offensive and funny" than the next, that nothing really builds. Even if there is something that makes me chuckle, it was immediately followed by a worse joke.

Step back, focus on what is actually funny in your script and build to that. It probably means you are going to be writing a lot more just straight translations of the bible than you want, but atleast it will be readable.

Oh right, continue the dogpile.

There have been people in here, like me, who have given constructive criticism. Also, it's been linked that he put this on another site, and there he isn't taking the constructive criticism either. He isn't going to learn anything, because he won't take any advice that will help him along the way. He's shown he's dead set on writing it exactly like this and ONLY catering the the very few people who will find this funny.

This isn't a dogpile...there has been alot of help in this thread, but you can't make someone learn something if they don't want to. He refuses to step back and see what makes South Park funny to some people. He isn't willing to step back and see what makes Family Guy funny to some people.

You can't grow as a writer if you refuse help.

 

[jay]

This is a good example that GAF doesn't actually have a defense force for everything. Some things are just that bad.

Maybe I could get behind the project if it were more pro-animal rapist.

 

[FiggyCal]

I think if you devoted your time to practice writing a little better, you could probably make something pretty decent. Part of the problem is that you're trying to write comedy. Comedy is hard to begin with and even harder to do in writing. Some of my favorite comedians on stage write criminally unfunny stuff-- and those are the people who do it for a living. You should put your energy into another project.

 

[Ntsouls]

op have you considered merchandizing

YES! lmao

 

[cheststrongwell]

OP, why do you keep saying this is how most Americans of your generation speak? What the fuck is wrong with you?

 

[jay]

OP, why do you keep saying this is how most Americans of your generation speak? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Maybe he is the only person he knows.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

There have been people in here, like me, who have given constructive criticism. Also, it's been linked that he put this on another site, and there he isn't taking the constructive criticism either. He isn't going to learn anything, because he won't take any advice that will help him along the way. He's shown he's dead set on writing it exactly like this and ONLY catering the the very few people who will find this funny.

This isn't a dogpile...there has been alot of help in this thread, but you can't make someone learn something if they don't want to. He refuses to step back and see what makes South Park funny to some people. He isn't willing to step back and see what makes Family Guy funny to some people.

You can't grow as a writer if you refuse help.

I think the problem is he's so dense and unintelligent that he actually can't step back and examine those. He likely has no idea what people are talking about when they ask him to figure out what's actually funny on those shows. I'm basing this entirely on his dismissive responses throughout this topic.

I have no idea how he found the motivation to write this much garbage.

 

[Masquerader]

Either the OP is a master troll, or a silly, delusional child. I'm willing to bet a bit of both.

 

[Buddha Beam]

This is a good example that GAF doesn't actually have a defense force for everything. Some things are just that bad.

Wow. That would make this worse than pedophiles and animal rapists.

 

[besada]

Maybe he is the only person he knows.

Or maybe he only knows people with Tourette's Syndrome.

 

[Simon Belmont]

Seriously OP, you need to remove your name from that.

 

[Dopus]

YES! lmao

You've got to be a troll. There is no other reasonable explanation to this insanity.