Hello everyone. This is my first actual created thread since becoming a member, yay! It's too bad the subject matter is a bit of a depressing topic for me. This is a TLDR because it's not easy to explain the situation without going over specifics.
My sister is in a relationship with a guy who is ruining her life.
We're 4 years apart, I'm 27, and she's 23.
It all started when her boyfriend moved in 3 years ago to live with her. My pops lived in a different state, and was still paying for her rent. The guy was a loser; no job, no intention of getting one, dropped out of high school, exiled from his family, but if I had to give him credit he has my sister wrapped so tightly around his finger it's mind-boggling, and now it's come to the point where I'm fearing for her life.
They were evicted from that apartment due to disruption of peace (so, being loud and partying too much?). My pops found her another place, and of course he followed. My father didn't approve of this but he didn't feel there was anything he could do, because he doesn't want his daughter on the street. You see he is my step father, but he is her biological dad. For all intents and purposes though he raised me and I respect him like a dad.
They were evicted from the next apartment too, for similar reasons, I wish I were kidding. Over the course of these evictions, communication with my sister became pretty infrequent and she began to act strangely. She has become distant.
Soon after her car was totaled, which of course pops was paying for...and he was driving it alone. My father, when trying to contact her was met with the boyfriend on the phone. He basically keeps her phone in his pocket. My pops was suspicious of what was leading this to happen and obviously this was unacceptable, so he called the police on the boyfriend with basically no evidence of anything. He just claimed that she was in a harmful situation.
The police went to investigate and they found a large amount of prescription medicine, obtained illegal. What's worse is my sister was found as having acquired it illegally, but she apparently doesn't take any of it. He does. She was actually let go for this with a slap on the wrist, and obviously all the stuff confiscated.
At this point they are living in a motel. Yes, you heard that right.
My father went to "get" her. As in, bring her to his home state, and help her reboot her life. When he arrived at the motel, he was met with the guy out front, who told him he was not allowed to take her away. He literally rolled on the ground and screamed like a child, wildly saying that he couldn't take her from him. The worst part is my sister was just inside and refused to come out.
My mom got involved as well, but she was afraid of him at this point so she left it to my pops. This is where it gets scary. He, with my sister in the car, drove to my moms house and asked to meet with her. However, they would not exit the car, they asked her to come out and get in the car so they could talk. My mom obviously is not feeling it, so she refuses, and my mom begins to, at range, call him out for being psychotic and weird. My moms husband (my step father and her have been divorced a while) came out to protect her, just for safety as he didn't feel comfortable with the situation. My mom tried to plead to him, using words such as "if you love her don't you want to protect her?". In a shocking response he said "I can always protect her, I keep my gun in my the car". By the way this is my sisters new car that pops bought after he totaled the first one.
He obviously probably didn't have a permit and it's California, so my mother threatened to call the police and say she feared for her daughters life. Then he said that my sister would claim significant sexual abuse if she did that. Cops didn't get called and they drove away.
I talked to my sister on Facebook chat, it started pleasant like "I miss you" but quickly devolved as I started to ask questions about why she was doin this to our family and causing so many problems (probably my mistake but I'm not a psychologist I'm her brother I've never sugar coated stuff with her didn't see why I needed to start now). She became defensive. She's loves him more than anything else and maybe I'd understand that if I took time to get to know him. It was a sour note ending. I'm judging her, too stuck up to be considered family to her, yada yada.
Shortly after a few days later, I tried calling her. He picked up. He cursed me out and told me to stop bothering her. This guy is younger than her. And he cursed me out. I told him that if he lays a hand on her I'll be over there quicker than he can drop out of school to destroy him. The problem is...I live in Tokyo. I'm far, so it's not actually that easy.
This all happened over the course of the past 3 years, with less honorable mentions like my sister's work banning him from the premise because he appeared to be violent and loud when dropping her off (in her car). Apparently some of her colleagues have seen things that might resemble bruises but this is not proven (she works at a hair salon).
That brings us to today, and why I fear now for my sisters life (or the rest of it).
They were just simultaneously evicted from their motel and arrested for possession of illegal substance and firearms. Apparently my sister was trying to mix things with 'butane', that's all I know but looking up butane I was horrified. They were both jailed. My father bailed her out for $2000. He was released 5 days later, and they both have a court date.
My father is on his last leg, he doesn't have the money for a lawyer, and he is lost.
The boyfriend sent my father an e-mail shortly after he was released. I'm going to post that e-mail. Now, for context, the guy is referring to my father changing my sisters cell number through the carrier to try and cut off communication with him when she got out, until he could get over to her state and pick her up without interference. Judge the words of your own accord.
For the record he still has no job. It sure seems passionate but unfortunately some of it is confirmed a lie. Both my sister and he have consistently refused to provide any contact information for anyone on his side of the family.
What's worse is my sister is also lying about the situation. She says one thing, my pops gets on the phone with the detectives and they tell him something else. She's covering for him and lying for him.
**So GAF**
This has been long...both this post and the turbulent trip that is the past 3 years.
I'm worried she's going to end up dead on the street to drugs. In prison the rest of her life, or worse, killed by this guy out of some psychotic "she's mine" passion. The worst part is she's implicit. She loves him and says none of us understand.
...sigh...what do I do? What CAN I do? What SHOULD I do? This question applies to advice that could go to my father or my mother. Or ANYONE that is the appropriate platform to do something. I called an abusive relationship hotline and they gave me the "well you just gotta wait till she comes 'round". What? Why? When it's too late already?
Sorry if this post is too long and I hope it's not out of place. I couldn't seem to find any good outlets to talk about this with people who will listen...so I came here.
UPDATE
My father recently had this to say in the middle of the family e-mail conversation...
Now...my father is war veteran of nearly 27 years. Served in Vietnam. He was an officer and part of special forces.
Outside of the military he is a teddy bear and he's getting older. He has never been a person to even think like this. He always does things by the book. He raised me tough. If I screwed up, I paid the price, and he never cut me slack when I made mistakes. To hear him suggest something like this is quite immense, I can't really express that enough. It's completely out of his character but...I feel that he's becoming desperate. I'm not just worried about my sister...
My sister is in a relationship with a guy who is ruining her life.
We're 4 years apart, I'm 27, and she's 23.
It all started when her boyfriend moved in 3 years ago to live with her. My pops lived in a different state, and was still paying for her rent. The guy was a loser; no job, no intention of getting one, dropped out of high school, exiled from his family, but if I had to give him credit he has my sister wrapped so tightly around his finger it's mind-boggling, and now it's come to the point where I'm fearing for her life.
They were evicted from that apartment due to disruption of peace (so, being loud and partying too much?). My pops found her another place, and of course he followed. My father didn't approve of this but he didn't feel there was anything he could do, because he doesn't want his daughter on the street. You see he is my step father, but he is her biological dad. For all intents and purposes though he raised me and I respect him like a dad.
They were evicted from the next apartment too, for similar reasons, I wish I were kidding. Over the course of these evictions, communication with my sister became pretty infrequent and she began to act strangely. She has become distant.
Soon after her car was totaled, which of course pops was paying for...and he was driving it alone. My father, when trying to contact her was met with the boyfriend on the phone. He basically keeps her phone in his pocket. My pops was suspicious of what was leading this to happen and obviously this was unacceptable, so he called the police on the boyfriend with basically no evidence of anything. He just claimed that she was in a harmful situation.
The police went to investigate and they found a large amount of prescription medicine, obtained illegal. What's worse is my sister was found as having acquired it illegally, but she apparently doesn't take any of it. He does. She was actually let go for this with a slap on the wrist, and obviously all the stuff confiscated.
At this point they are living in a motel. Yes, you heard that right.
My father went to "get" her. As in, bring her to his home state, and help her reboot her life. When he arrived at the motel, he was met with the guy out front, who told him he was not allowed to take her away. He literally rolled on the ground and screamed like a child, wildly saying that he couldn't take her from him. The worst part is my sister was just inside and refused to come out.
My mom got involved as well, but she was afraid of him at this point so she left it to my pops. This is where it gets scary. He, with my sister in the car, drove to my moms house and asked to meet with her. However, they would not exit the car, they asked her to come out and get in the car so they could talk. My mom obviously is not feeling it, so she refuses, and my mom begins to, at range, call him out for being psychotic and weird. My moms husband (my step father and her have been divorced a while) came out to protect her, just for safety as he didn't feel comfortable with the situation. My mom tried to plead to him, using words such as "if you love her don't you want to protect her?". In a shocking response he said "I can always protect her, I keep my gun in my the car". By the way this is my sisters new car that pops bought after he totaled the first one.
He obviously probably didn't have a permit and it's California, so my mother threatened to call the police and say she feared for her daughters life. Then he said that my sister would claim significant sexual abuse if she did that. Cops didn't get called and they drove away.
I talked to my sister on Facebook chat, it started pleasant like "I miss you" but quickly devolved as I started to ask questions about why she was doin this to our family and causing so many problems (probably my mistake but I'm not a psychologist I'm her brother I've never sugar coated stuff with her didn't see why I needed to start now). She became defensive. She's loves him more than anything else and maybe I'd understand that if I took time to get to know him. It was a sour note ending. I'm judging her, too stuck up to be considered family to her, yada yada.
Shortly after a few days later, I tried calling her. He picked up. He cursed me out and told me to stop bothering her. This guy is younger than her. And he cursed me out. I told him that if he lays a hand on her I'll be over there quicker than he can drop out of school to destroy him. The problem is...I live in Tokyo. I'm far, so it's not actually that easy.
This all happened over the course of the past 3 years, with less honorable mentions like my sister's work banning him from the premise because he appeared to be violent and loud when dropping her off (in her car). Apparently some of her colleagues have seen things that might resemble bruises but this is not proven (she works at a hair salon).
That brings us to today, and why I fear now for my sisters life (or the rest of it).
They were just simultaneously evicted from their motel and arrested for possession of illegal substance and firearms. Apparently my sister was trying to mix things with 'butane', that's all I know but looking up butane I was horrified. They were both jailed. My father bailed her out for $2000. He was released 5 days later, and they both have a court date.
My father is on his last leg, he doesn't have the money for a lawyer, and he is lost.
The boyfriend sent my father an e-mail shortly after he was released. I'm going to post that e-mail. Now, for context, the guy is referring to my father changing my sisters cell number through the carrier to try and cut off communication with him when she got out, until he could get over to her state and pick her up without interference. Judge the words of your own accord.
For the record he still has no job. It sure seems passionate but unfortunately some of it is confirmed a lie. Both my sister and he have consistently refused to provide any contact information for anyone on his side of the family.
What's worse is my sister is also lying about the situation. She says one thing, my pops gets on the phone with the detectives and they tell him something else. She's covering for him and lying for him.
**So GAF**
This has been long...both this post and the turbulent trip that is the past 3 years.
I'm worried she's going to end up dead on the street to drugs. In prison the rest of her life, or worse, killed by this guy out of some psychotic "she's mine" passion. The worst part is she's implicit. She loves him and says none of us understand.
...sigh...what do I do? What CAN I do? What SHOULD I do? This question applies to advice that could go to my father or my mother. Or ANYONE that is the appropriate platform to do something. I called an abusive relationship hotline and they gave me the "well you just gotta wait till she comes 'round". What? Why? When it's too late already?
Sorry if this post is too long and I hope it's not out of place. I couldn't seem to find any good outlets to talk about this with people who will listen...so I came here.
UPDATE
My father recently had this to say in the middle of the family e-mail conversation...
Now...my father is war veteran of nearly 27 years. Served in Vietnam. He was an officer and part of special forces.
Outside of the military he is a teddy bear and he's getting older. He has never been a person to even think like this. He always does things by the book. He raised me tough. If I screwed up, I paid the price, and he never cut me slack when I made mistakes. To hear him suggest something like this is quite immense, I can't really express that enough. It's completely out of his character but...I feel that he's becoming desperate. I'm not just worried about my sister...
