god damn dude, just reading your story I wish you could just beat the fuck out of that guy and get your sister out, but it obviously wouldn't work...
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Abusive RelationshipGAF, help me save my sister...
- Thread starter Zipzo
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Your sister probably doesn't realise that she's in a abusive relationship and the guy is just dragging her down with him.
As harsh it might sound but I think that your father needs to cut ties with your sister and let her fend on her own, she's 23 so she's an adult and if she wants to be treated like an adult and hang around with bad people in her life then she can do it on her own dime.
But it's important that you let her know that the door is still open should she come to her senses and decided to return to her family.
I hope that you get your sister back.
Not having a Job doesn't make you a scum of the earth, however the guy doesn't have a job, has no financial support other than OP's sister, doesn't seem to be interested in looking for a job any time soon and intends to drag OP's sister down with him.
As harsh it might sound but I think that your father needs to cut ties with your sister and let her fend on her own, she's 23 so she's an adult and if she wants to be treated like an adult and hang around with bad people in her life then she can do it on her own dime.
But it's important that you let her know that the door is still open should she come to her senses and decided to return to her family.
I hope that you get your sister back.
Not having a Job doesn't make you a scum of the earth, however the guy doesn't have a job, has no financial support other than OP's sister, doesn't seem to be interested in looking for a job any time soon and intends to drag OP's sister down with him.
First: Be supportive. You need to show her that you care about her. At this moment the only person who she thinks supports her is her abusive boyfriend.
Second: don't be judgemental. Please do not recreate the Facebook chat in that form again. When you start asking questions and making judgements you make yourself an enemy in her eyes and steer her back to the "only support" she knows - the abusive boyfriend. You should never be hostile towards someone who needs help!
Third: Talk to her about her future, show her the way out. Give her other possibilities to consider doing with her life other than the abusive relationship. If there's a women's shelter or something similar nearby you could hint that she could get help if she needs it. Is there something she'd like to do with her life? Go from there and help her achieve that.
The thing is that she knows that everything is not right in her life. She lives in an bubble and no matter how abusive and how fucked up the situation is, he's the only one there. What she needs is a way out, help getting out and a possible life outside the bubble - provide them.
Granted, it's not 100% sure it will work. The initiative to get out from the relationship has to come from her. And even though she might acknowledge that she's in a bad relationship she might not know where to go or what to do i.e. making it easier and less intimidating to stay.
Second: don't be judgemental. Please do not recreate the Facebook chat in that form again. When you start asking questions and making judgements you make yourself an enemy in her eyes and steer her back to the "only support" she knows - the abusive boyfriend. You should never be hostile towards someone who needs help!
Third: Talk to her about her future, show her the way out. Give her other possibilities to consider doing with her life other than the abusive relationship. If there's a women's shelter or something similar nearby you could hint that she could get help if she needs it. Is there something she'd like to do with her life? Go from there and help her achieve that.
The thing is that she knows that everything is not right in her life. She lives in an bubble and no matter how abusive and how fucked up the situation is, he's the only one there. What she needs is a way out, help getting out and a possible life outside the bubble - provide them.
Granted, it's not 100% sure it will work. The initiative to get out from the relationship has to come from her. And even though she might acknowledge that she's in a bad relationship she might not know where to go or what to do i.e. making it easier and less intimidating to stay.
Absolutely shocking read. I'm sorry OP.
Same thing happened to a cousin of mine. Eventually the family cut her off to wake her up. The idea is that the person has to hit 'rock bottom', then they'll come around. And that's what happened there.
The only problem is where 'rock bottom' ends up being. For my cousin it was a college educated girl prostituting herself for heroin, suffering vicious beatings from drug addicts, homeless and nearly dying from OD multiple times. She looked like a skeleton by the time she reunited with her family, like a cancer patient. So I understand why your father would be against cutting her off - the fear of where 'rock bottom' leads is very real, especially where drugs are involved, which it appears they might be here.
A full recovery might never be possible for my cousin, but she IS back home, and she IS loved, and she IS trying to make things right. I hope in time the same happens with your sister, just with far less trauma along the way.
I do feel like the best approach is to say 'We won't enable your lifestyle with money any more but we will always be here if you choose to return.'
Same thing happened to a cousin of mine. Eventually the family cut her off to wake her up. The idea is that the person has to hit 'rock bottom', then they'll come around. And that's what happened there.
The only problem is where 'rock bottom' ends up being. For my cousin it was a college educated girl prostituting herself for heroin, suffering vicious beatings from drug addicts, homeless and nearly dying from OD multiple times. She looked like a skeleton by the time she reunited with her family, like a cancer patient. So I understand why your father would be against cutting her off - the fear of where 'rock bottom' leads is very real, especially where drugs are involved, which it appears they might be here.
A full recovery might never be possible for my cousin, but she IS back home, and she IS loved, and she IS trying to make things right. I hope in time the same happens with your sister, just with far less trauma along the way.
I do feel like the best approach is to say 'We won't enable your lifestyle with money any more but we will always be here if you choose to return.'
Icefire1424
Member
While I don't have anything to contribute OP, I did want to chime in and offer my condolences and support. You sound like good people for looking out for your sister. Stay strong man, and I hope everything works out.
I had a cousin that graduated with a really solid STEM degree and had all the opportunity in the world. He had a great job too, but he decided that it made absolutely no sense to have a job b/c he had a lady twice his age that he could shack up with. As long as she was willing to work, why bother, right?
A while later, their "expenditures" became too much for her income. Still, why work when you could just cook up some meth and people would just give you their money. As long as there was an easy way, why bother right?
He's in prison now. He'll be out in 15 years or so, no parole.
I don't know if there was any abuse in the relationship, but a lot of aspects of his story seemed to line up with the guy side of the OP's story. Good luck OP, hope your sister comes out of ok. Also hope the family is able to let her hit rock bottom instead of trying to save someone that doesn't want to be saved.
This is precisely the issue.
If rock bottom is her body found at the side of a river...doesn't seem like a solid saving solution.
It's just so fucked up that despite that potential conclusion it still might be the best and only method of recovering her. Utterly painful.
Aztechnology
Member
It's a decision no one should ever have to make about a loved one. But the truth is unless someone wants help, there's very little you can do for them. I really feel for your family OP. Interventions and subsequent ultimatums (essentiallty) are absolutely harrowing and I wish they weren't necessary.
Make life as difficult as possible for the guy, and stop helping your sister as hard as that might be. She has to realize on her own that the guy is really the source of all her problems and not the family. Sounds like he's got her under his thumb and not much beyond hitting rock bottom will convince her otherwise.
The scary issue is it sounds like she may be an addict in one form or another. It's common for hard drugs to be something the abuser uses as a sort of hook to keep a feeling of need in the abused.
The scary issue is it sounds like she may be an addict in one form or another. It's common for hard drugs to be something the abuser uses as a sort of hook to keep a feeling of need in the abused.
shanshan310
Member
I'm really sorry to hear this OP 
My family is in a similar-ish situation, in which my elderly uncle is in a relationship with an insane woman who has stolen his phone, locked him in his house, driven him to suicide attempts while also scaring everyone else away. Sometimes she will call up my mother and scream at her and yell about my (very much alive) grandmother's inheritance, and then my uncle will text saying "I am fine, please stop harassing [woman's name]".
We've tried calling the cops around (he also told them he was fine), calling elder abuse hotlines and even going to a lawyer who specialises in these kind of cases. Apparently not much can be done unless the person being abused asks for help and stops denying everything is okay. At least in Australia. I hope there are more options available to you in the US.
My family is in a similar-ish situation, in which my elderly uncle is in a relationship with an insane woman who has stolen his phone, locked him in his house, driven him to suicide attempts while also scaring everyone else away. Sometimes she will call up my mother and scream at her and yell about my (very much alive) grandmother's inheritance, and then my uncle will text saying "I am fine, please stop harassing [woman's name]".
We've tried calling the cops around (he also told them he was fine), calling elder abuse hotlines and even going to a lawyer who specialises in these kind of cases. Apparently not much can be done unless the person being abused asks for help and stops denying everything is okay. At least in Australia. I hope there are more options available to you in the US.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Your father seems like a great guy, but he let the concept of "unconditional" love cloud his judgement.
You want to take care of your daughter by paying all her living expenses, phone, and car? Fine. But do it conditionally. Tell her she's got to live close by, with two female roommates, that she has to call twice a week and stop by to visit every 10 days.
If she can't do that, cut her off, so at least you're not enabling her self destructive behavior.
You want to take care of your daughter by paying all her living expenses, phone, and car? Fine. But do it conditionally. Tell her she's got to live close by, with two female roommates, that she has to call twice a week and stop by to visit every 10 days.
If she can't do that, cut her off, so at least you're not enabling her self destructive behavior.
Stallion Dan
Member
Honestly if they both went to prison at least she be away from his influence.
Triggerhappytel
Member
Fuck the guy's well-being; OP's sister needs out of the relationship and to be kept well away from this piece of shit. The trouble is that she needs to accept this and her father might be a bit too old to protect him if the shitbag gets violent or nasty. Being half the world away makes it difficult for OP to have any direct involvement as well. Can she be forced into rehab legally, and have an order so this guy is kept away from her?
I agree, although it might be too late for this now. At the very least, he should have stipulated at the beginning who she could have living with her in the property the dad was paying for.
You're probably right, although it sounds like this piece of shit is her enabler. Removing her from his presence would probably do the world of good.
Wow OP. That's tough
I don't really have any good advice accept remember to love and support your sister. Deep down she probably knows something is wrong, but bringing up your flaws to your immediate family can be tough. Love her and accept that she has the right to make bad decisions. Don't think about telling her to change, or getting her act togeather. She is in a long term relationship with this guy and you will push her away if you do. if you aren't respectful of her during this time of her life. When she eventually gets free, she won't want to return to the family.
Hope it works out for you guys
Edit:
Remember there are professional counsellors and women's shelters that will have experience with these type of relationships and can help your family act in the best way possible. Be consistent, be supportive and be positive. Abusive relationships screw with your self worth [unfortunately I know this from first hand experience] remember to remind her of her value, and if you are going to enable her try and do it in a way that builds her self worth (but non manipulative manner)
I don't really have any good advice accept remember to love and support your sister. Deep down she probably knows something is wrong, but bringing up your flaws to your immediate family can be tough. Love her and accept that she has the right to make bad decisions. Don't think about telling her to change, or getting her act togeather. She is in a long term relationship with this guy and you will push her away if you do. if you aren't respectful of her during this time of her life. When she eventually gets free, she won't want to return to the family.
Hope it works out for you guys
Edit:
Remember there are professional counsellors and women's shelters that will have experience with these type of relationships and can help your family act in the best way possible. Be consistent, be supportive and be positive. Abusive relationships screw with your self worth [unfortunately I know this from first hand experience] remember to remind her of her value, and if you are going to enable her try and do it in a way that builds her self worth (but non manipulative manner)
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