FunkyPajamas
Member
This is not the thread for this. OP is/was not in a poly relationship. Shut it down.
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So I just went on my girlfriends ipad....
- Thread starter OCD Guy
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Dash_Riprock
Member
No, at least the poly people don't try to guilt trip you.
Uh, from what he said, no she didn't and no she wasn't.
People, chill. The people who are telling how their relationships are, are trying to provide another perspective. (Mostly) No one here is telling OP that he should be OK with this. They're trying to help him to understand what possibly could have happened. Understanding why something has happened can help him in the future, regardless of fault (this time it's her).
OP should NOT be OK with this if this wasn't a thing previous. OP should discuss it with her, like two grown human beings. OP has already said this is his deal breaker. We all see that. We're all here just trying to help OP in our own ways - so chill out with the "GTFO" mentality and let him decide what he needs to take in and what he needs to toss out.
Turbowaffles
Member
Could you at least post snippets of the conversation? What words were specifically used? Did she mention you at all either openly or thinly veiled? How did they describe what they wanted to do to each other specifically? Anything imply that they had already done it? Some more context would probably offer more insight, OP.
Either way I'm sorry this happened to you, and yeah, judging by what you've posted so far, it's time to split.
Either way I'm sorry this happened to you, and yeah, judging by what you've posted so far, it's time to split.
AlteredBeast
Fork 'em, Sparky!
Change all of your passwords OP, and keep your valuables safe. Nit saying she would do anything once she knows it's over, but you never know.
Good call checking out about your lease and all of that, too.
Good call checking out about your lease and all of that, too.
If you end things OP, you're a stronger man than I.
Something similar happened to me last year: a flirtatious text popped up as I was gaming on my girlfriend's iPad, so anger and curiosity got the better of me and I read the entire conversation. It was pretty upsetting, but as far as I know no pictures were exchanged.
Anyway, my situation is quite complicated as the guy was some old boyfriend or something from a few years back who has been, in my opinion, harassing my girlfriend pretty much since we started seeing each other over two years ago. (He's a massive creep and a complete douche to be honest.)
I won't go into the details because I can't be bothered to type it all out, but suffice to say if anything happens again I won't be so hesitant to leave. She seemed genuinely sorry and it happened when things were a bit 'weird' between us. Maybe I should have left then and there, but I still think we have a good thing.
Something similar happened to me last year: a flirtatious text popped up as I was gaming on my girlfriend's iPad, so anger and curiosity got the better of me and I read the entire conversation. It was pretty upsetting, but as far as I know no pictures were exchanged.
Anyway, my situation is quite complicated as the guy was some old boyfriend or something from a few years back who has been, in my opinion, harassing my girlfriend pretty much since we started seeing each other over two years ago. (He's a massive creep and a complete douche to be honest.)
I won't go into the details because I can't be bothered to type it all out, but suffice to say if anything happens again I won't be so hesitant to leave. She seemed genuinely sorry and it happened when things were a bit 'weird' between us. Maybe I should have left then and there, but I still think we have a good thing.
TheOnlyOneHeEverFeared
Member
Are people seriously suggesting he just look past this? Get the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry OP, thats shit.
I'm sorry OP, thats shit.
Agree on everything. Dreaming and fantasizing is fine and well, but like you said, going behind someone's back is not.
Op, stay strong brother.
LUFTRAUSER
Banned
She was getting dick picks from another man. That's cheating.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
These threads man. Being in an open relationship doesn't inherently make you enlightened, mature, or righteous.
Offering advice on a monogamous relationship from this perspective is gross, especially since any healthy poly situation would be built on mutual trust, honesty, and respect.
You don't live with, invest life milestones, or get married to "decent". You fuck decent and keep it moving. There are plenty of women out there who won't cheat on you emotionally or physically, there's no downside to having self respect and standards.
DoubleTake
Member
Feel for you OP. Goodluck, and remember cooler heads prevail...
Which is why you shouldnt say anything when she gets back, do this tonight, and set your plan into motion tomorrow.
Which is why you shouldnt say anything when she gets back, do this tonight, and set your plan into motion tomorrow.
Pancake Mix
Copied someone else's pancake recipe
Oh give me a break.
Ikr? At least Vegans tend to say something you can wholeheartedly disagree with, like GMOs being evil
It's a violation of trust, plain and simple. Even taking the sex part out of the equation you can no longer trust her. You can't have a lasting relationship without trust. That's the end of it.
It would take forever to gain the trust back, so is it worth giving it another shot to see if she can rebuild trust? That's up to you, OP
Iorv3th
Member
I'd pack my shit now if I were you. Just to be ready after you talk about it. Don't believe her if she says "it was a pop up ad" or something. That shit only works on clueless parents when you get caught looking at porn in the 90's.
This is the guy sending her the dick pics.
Depends on who you ask, but it would certainly qualify as emotionally cheating.
This is the guy sending her the dick pics.
Depends on who you ask, but it would certainly qualify as emotionally cheating.
GreatestHits
Member
Although discovering they've been together for 4 years definitely changes my perspective, this doesn't seem like something the OP is ready to do. It seems the clean break is the light at the end of the tunnel. But I have to be honest, these situations are what conditions people for what real relationships are all about, in those cases where each party can come clean and honest. It's up to the OP to decide if this is a possible route. Absolutely no shame in cutting this off and moving on.
MrS
Banned
OP has already said that she offered to eat the booty
Rubbish King
The gift that keeps on giving
Mate that sounds properly wank, if I were you I'd start packing up a weekend bag to take to your rents house, rehearse what you're going to say and prepare for a swift exit if you need it.
Also hide the precious PS4 and its games
r u avin a giggle m9
If OP says it's cheating, it's cheating
Also hide the precious PS4 and its games
Fucks sake Mike I saw him first I need friends more than u, you have a fiance now
ha...ha..ha..
r u avin a giggle m9
If OP says it's cheating, it's cheating
I'd definitely call it at that point if it were me. If you feel like she needs a chance to explain herself then talk to her about it.
Don't bring the guy into it. He's a single guy hitting on someone, he's not responsible to you.
Edit: whoops didn't realize we are 7 pages in and there have been further developments. My answer was a monogamously framed one
Don't bring the guy into it. He's a single guy hitting on someone, he's not responsible to you.
Edit: whoops didn't realize we are 7 pages in and there have been further developments. My answer was a monogamously framed one
FunkyPajamas
Member
MONOGAMY IS MURDER.
Seriously though, how is sexting and/or not refuting a dick pic not cheating? It's not like she was watching porn; she was actively in a conversation with another dude and when she got the picture she continued in the conversation, as per OP's story.
Turbowaffles
Member
Yes it is. Emotional cheating can be just as bad, or worse even, than physical cheating.
DirtyLarry
Member
Without knowing any more detail than what you provided, I cannot help but think you trusting her again will never fully be an option. Even if you talk things out and get over this particular scenario, it will remain in the back of your mind moving forward and ultimately just be that skeleton in the closet that prevents you from ever being fully happy again.
Life is just too short at the end of the day to not be as happy as possible.
If I am wrong, and it is something you can completely overcome and completely forgive, talk it out and listen to her reasons.
If you know you will truly never get over it, just move on now. Or else you may potentially spend additional years always doubting. Always wondering. And that is just not good for anyone involved.
Regardless of what happens, it truly sucks you are going through this.
Life is just too short at the end of the day to not be as happy as possible.
If I am wrong, and it is something you can completely overcome and completely forgive, talk it out and listen to her reasons.
If you know you will truly never get over it, just move on now. Or else you may potentially spend additional years always doubting. Always wondering. And that is just not good for anyone involved.
Regardless of what happens, it truly sucks you are going through this.
Cabbagehead
Member
Can you explain to me how it isn't cheating if, according to the OP, it wasn't just dick pics. It was full on sexual conversation with her commenting on the pics in a sexual manner.
DeathoftheEndless
Crashing this plane... with no survivors!
OP should start making out with her and then he unzips his pants to reveal the dick-pic taped over his own. "Look familiar?" And then he walks out.
That sucks OP. Being cheated on is one of the biggest fears I have when I enter a relationship, so it definitely would be a deal breaker for me if it were to happen. I gotta admit though, and it might sound hypocritical, but I was involved with two different girls who cheated on their boyfriends, they'd tell me all sort of things about their relationships and badmouth their partners when they were with me, it felt kind of awful in retrospect, and is probably the biggest reason I fear being cheated on as much, as I know exactly what it is like on the other side. I don't hook up with girls in relationships anymore as I don't want karma to come and blow up my door.
Here's hoping you get through this OP, and if it comes down to confronting her face to face, be the bigger person and don't raise your voice or go apeshit.
Here's hoping you get through this OP, and if it comes down to confronting her face to face, be the bigger person and don't raise your voice or go apeshit.
AlteredBeast
Fork 'em, Sparky!
If you are beating the cheeks tonight, make it the best she ever had, multiple orgasms, etc. then after you finish, say "see if your other dick gives you that."
blame space
Banned
sell the ipad
trash the house
trash the house
smoothj
Member
Been with my fiance for 5 years. If she had a one night stand or a short fling. It would hurt but I'd get through it. Who knows if I mess up sometime and know where my heart really is and want to stay with my fiance.
If it was an emotional long relationship then yeah it would suck and I would end it. A quick fling or one night stand. Not a deal breaker unless it happens more than once or twice.
As you get older it's easier to understand this a bit. My friends feel the same. It's not worth ending your marriage over a side chick or side dick. IMO of course.
If it was an emotional long relationship then yeah it would suck and I would end it. A quick fling or one night stand. Not a deal breaker unless it happens more than once or twice.
As you get older it's easier to understand this a bit. My friends feel the same. It's not worth ending your marriage over a side chick or side dick. IMO of course.
Nice.
trash the TV only
Pancake Mix
Copied someone else's pancake recipe
Bullshit, flirty text convos combined with dick picks is the immediate step before her physically cheating.
Given you have "Meat" in your username, maybe it's more normalized from your perspective, but for most couples private pictures of another man's sausage are at least a no-no and worth a serious conversation.
If that happened to be real,someone here being the sender, the meltdown would change earths landscape.
Sorry OP, that's a shitty feeling. You seem like you're on your way out. I'd probably be in the same boat.
I'd suggest that you get all your ducks in a row (passwords changed, names off accounts, move any small valuables somewhere safe, etc) before saying or doing anything. I'd say your best course of action is to drop the hammer swiftly and bail out fast.
I'd suggest that you get all your ducks in a row (passwords changed, names off accounts, move any small valuables somewhere safe, etc) before saying or doing anything. I'd say your best course of action is to drop the hammer swiftly and bail out fast.
True Savior
Member
As a non-poly, the monogamist view of relationships is a colossal point of view that is pushed down our throats since ever. That some people in this thread find such discomfort in radical different ways of seeing sexuality, is a great showcase how conservative many people are. You can disagree with the advice, but there's no need to shamefully mock it.
echoshifting
Banned
Best post in a thread full of really lousy posts.
You'd be surprised
Clockwork5
Member
Heh. It's been years and honestly I spent a long time trying to forget so some of the details are a bit fuzzy. But this thread has me feeling sympathetic so here we go.
Upon waking up one day I went to check my email only to find my GFs gmail account open. She was still asleep and had been up super late so the inbox was still open. The first thing I saw was "I miss you too" from some dude she grew up with. That would never have rang alarm bells and I would have closed the tab; however, I recognized the name as a dude who she described as an asshole who always made her feel like shit for not dating him. "That's strange" I said to myself as I clicked the email. That email was a reply to her email which said something like...
"I miss you and I wish I was sleeping next to you tonight."
Sudden nausea and sadness consumed me. I woke her up, she cried and explained that she missed home and nothing would ever happen because he is so far away. A lengthy conversation ensued about my future suspicions every time she visited home, asking her why she lied about the nature of her relationship with him and why she always characterized him as an asshole. She reassured me that she loved me and she will make sure I know this won't happen again.
Things took time to get better but a few months later they were good again. My trust in her was damaged, but it was healing. Then one night she said a friend of hers knew a guy who was moving here and he wanted to go out. Her friend was working that night so asked my GF to take him out for a drink or two. My GF said to call her when I got off work and I could join them. I call she doesn't answer. I go to bed.
I look at my phone in the morning. No missed calls. I call again, no answer. She finally calls back around 7pm and tells me what a good time they had and they drank and danced until the bars closed. I'm thinking, that's a little fucked up but just said "I would have liked to join you, why didn't you call?"
"Idk we were just having a really good time."
She broke up with me that night. After 4 years.
I was really good to her, showed her affection, helped her through school, helped her through some really hard financial and family issues.
I was shocked, depressed and handled the breakup super poorly. That was on me, though.
Sorry for the novel.
You're right. It may have changed unbeknownst to him- a potential excuse in the making, claiming harmless fun.
Regardless, the relationship has run its course as this 4 year journey comes to a crashing halt. There has been some great advice given here so far and all I can hope for is that OP takes the high road to minimize any regrets he may have down the line.
All relationships - poly and monogamous - are built on trust and open communication. In no relationship should trust be breached. The OP had his trust broken.
It's not an argument of whether or not monogamy is doable, it's a discussion on breaking your partners trust.
Lashley
Why does he wear the mask!?
You're more secure than I am. I wouldn't be able to forgive it, fair play though mate.
dr3upmushroom
Banned
Only if you like being cuckolded.
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