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[Nafai1123]

*sigh* This is why I don't tell people I'm a virgin. Comes with all these gross assumptions about who I am as a person. Its cool that you think all virgins are "nice guys" who only date "8s and up" , but the reality is personality plays a larger role in my interest in someone than physical appearance ever will, and I'm not putting anyone on a pedestal.



If virginity only counted penetrative sex then a LOT of members of the LGBT+ community would be virgins. I'd say it has to be more wide-ranging than that.

I'm sorry if you thought that was about you, as it clearly wasn't. Nowhere was I generalizing ALL virgins, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking for the right person. I thought I made that clear.

The fact that you think it WAS about you, and that you therefore think I'm shaming or making generalizations about you, says more about your perception of your virginity than my perception of you. THAT is the point I'm trying to make. It shouldn't matter to me why you're a virgin, nor should my perception of you matter. Any shame or insecurity you feel about it is your own construct.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I wouldn't tell anyone I know that I am a virgin. People would look at you weird.

 

[iirate]

I wouldn't tell anyone I know that I am a virgin. People would look at you weird.

Yes, and that's a problem. In fact, that's pretty much why this thread exists. I don't talk about it IRL except with my super close friends, but people should be able to without judgement.

 

[Kinsei]

I wouldn't tell anyone I know that I am a virgin. People would look at you weird.

Same here.

 

[hanspampel]

Can we start shaming these people instead? Please?

You all seriously need to rethink yourselves.

why should i rethink myself, when i ask a person to clarify and further expand on a story they voluntarily told here?
maybe you should...

 

[OG Shaka Zulu]

I was just thinking of this. The fact that the word virgin even exists is weird.

 

[Plywood]

Whenever you tell anyone the first question that follows is always "why." It's never really ever felt like one singular reason.

 

[Earthbound64]

it's not something some people are by choice.

*some people

Many people are fine with it.
Many people specifically are that way by choice.

 

[Oreiller]

I turn 26 next week and while I have engaged in oral sex plenty of times with my guy friends (when they were single) through the years if virginity/loss of it = penetrative sex then I guess I am still one. Like another poster mentioned I've dealt with large amounts of insecurities over my body/lack of confidence and other things so I've never dated even when my friends think I look fine and I'm silly for worrying and that's led to me never dating. I've had the opportunities to lose it with said friends if I wanted to and while I don't value it in the "saving it for marriage" kind of way I just have no real interest in it with someone I don't have strong emotional feelings for as that aspect of it is far more important to me. So it's whatever though I'd never judge anyone for not having sex or having a lot of it.

I'm basically in the same exact situation, with the same exact issues, except with the genders switched.
I've had quite a few opportunities to go further with women, but I couldn't really connect with them on an emotional level so it didn't work out. I guess my social anxiety disorder has a lot to do with that though.

 

[wandering]

The fact that you think it WAS about you, and that you therefore think I'm shaming or making generalizations about you, says more about your perception of your virginity than my perception of you. THAT is the point I'm trying to make. It shouldn't matter to me why you're a virgin, nor should my perception of you matter. Any shame or insecurity you feel about it is your own construct.

Could you imagine saying this to someone who was insecure about being gay?

 

[Some Nobody]

Oh I certainly agree (I'm Bi myself though I haven't had any sexual/relationship experience with other women) but that's why I phrased it the way I did because at least in my experience many people seem to count it only penetrative sex as whether one is or isn't. I personally view it as a lot more broader.

Ah, fair enough. Yeah I think people place too much importance on heterosexual relationships in the context of something like this. Sorry for telling you stuff you already knew, lol.

I'm sorry if you thought that was about you, as it clearly wasn't. Nowhere was I generalizing ALL virgins, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking for the right person. I thought I made that clear.

The fact that you think it WAS about you, and that you therefore think I'm shaming or making generalizations about you, says more about your perception of your virginity than my perception of you. THAT is the point I'm trying to make. It shouldn't matter to me why you're a virgin, nor should my perception of you matter. Any shame or insecurity you feel about it is your own construct.

If your criticism was unique and something I'd never heard before, I would simply blow it off. But when it's the one you see ALL the time, it shifts from being the criticism of one person to a portion of society. Your post was a collection of assumptions people ALWAYS hold. "Oh you're only a virgin because you want to date a 10" or "Probably a nice guy" .

So no, my perception of my virginity is that it is what it is. I haven't met a girl I've been into that's also into me. Part of that is my fault. I could be more outgoing, introduce myself to more women. But I also don't want to be the guy forcing himself on every girl or assuming they're always interested. I'm an asshole, but I don't wanna be THAT asshole.

Still I guess I could stand to care less about the stereotypes.

 

[Foffy]

Idt it has anything to do with not loving one's self, though it does play a role with some. The thing is, you can be as confident as you can about yourself and the value that you would bring to a significant other, but at the end of the day, someone has to see that too. It would reaffirm that someone sees something in you, in the same way that you see something in yourself. I would argue that validation is a pretty big deal when it comes to relationship matters, even if people say that its bs.

And what if the person who validates you cheats or bails on you? Gone goes that validation, which usually what happens.

I would argue this is primarily because one is always looking for validation and approval in others, but never taking a deep scan of themselves to see any innate validation, worthiness, and worthwhileness in themselves. People can only hurt you so long as you give them the keys in this respect, and we almost entirely take a sense of worth and validation only to just hand that to others for them to test and see if there's anything there.

Reciprocity is fine, and I am not saying it's nothing. But many people are not engaged in reciproprical ideas when it comes to status. They want the thing, and the thing is the apparent bliss. Having the love of another is the bliss. Having the penetrative "real" experience is the bliss. Is it? Honestly?

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." —Lao Tzu

I think the above quote has some relevance here, so for as long as we are looking for the "other" for validation in any regard, we are on some level a prisoner to time and acquisition, which is to say these things can be taken from us. If you're caught here, and most of us are, we're deeply vulnerable and thus never able to really embody our own selves. This also doesn't mean to be selfish and egoic, but if you are looking for validation outside of yourself, you have chosen the hard ass road to drive on. It will always be a game of keep up, and a direct pointer to it not being the answer.

 

[MGrant]

Zygmunt Bauman has a whole thing about how postmodern society is increasingly less controlled by discipline, as in the 19th and early 20th centuries, and more controlled by seduction, eroticism, sex, and the idea of love. Everyone is treated to some degree as a sex object (women and girls experience this to a far more destructive degree obvs) and therefore part of your social capital and power are tied to your desirability and who you're getting some from.

It sucks but to many people your remaining a virgin is akin to leaving a bag of free money on the table, or worse, seen as a form of delinquency.

 

[JCHandsom]

I'm a virgin, and it's largely because of a confluence of factors, mostly concerning religion and my own homebody nature.

I'm better about not letting it dictate my life, but it is hard for me sometimes to not separate myself in my mind from people who have had sex and talk about it casually. I've come to the conclusion that the thing I really want is the intimacy aspect, rather than the physical act itself, so right now I'm focusing on that.

 

[Master Of Illusion]

I don't get why whether someone fucks or not is so important.

 

[iirate]

why should i rethink myself, when i ask a person to clarify and further expand on a story they voluntarily told here?
maybe you should...

Because you're reinforcing the problem. I plainly stated why I've never had sex and you met that with skepticism. You asked for details(which are none of your business), implying that what I said didn't add up for you. If you don't want to believe me, that's *your* problem. None of the details are that interesting, and I told everything that was relevant to understand my situation.

If you REALLY need to know more, you can find some stuff in my post history, but it doesn't change the fact that your response to my story was disbelief, in a thread about de-stigmatizing virginity.

 

[Glass Rebel]

I don't get why whether someone fucks or not is so important.

Sex is power.

If you don't have sex you don't have power.

If you don't have power you are weak.

 

[Elfstar]

1)Don't tell anyone that you're a virgin

2)Pretend that you aren't one

3)Don't be obsessed by the fact that you're a virgin

4)Don't be creepy or ankward about it

Just be clever.

 

[Benzychenz]

Not even my closest friends know I'm a virgin. There's just too much of a sigma around it that I would never admit it. If I'm ever asked I just say "oh it's been a few years" or something similar. Im 24 btw.

There's been girls interested in me that I wasn't interested in.

I've been on plenty of dates. In fact, somehow on three seperate occasions I've been getting close with a girl and then she's freaked and I've found out she got out of a long term relationship within the last week or two.

I've had girls hit on me at bars, but when I'm having a great night with my friends I'm not really interested in some random girl.

My virginity doesn't bother me at all. I understand that I'm a perfectly normal member of society. I just haven't found the right person yet.
I just can't tell anyone else because I don't know how they will feel.

 

[Some Nobody]

Yes, and that's a problem. In fact, that's pretty much why this thread exists. I don't talk about it IRL except with my super close friends, but people should be able to without judgement.

Lol, I wouldn't share it with anyone. Hell, I wouldn't have said it here if some admin hadn't changed my name. I use my real one everywhere and fuuuuuck letting people in to that part of my life.

 

[Syder]

Virgin shaming starts really young, when the majority of kids are still virgins and will be for a long time. I remember kids asking about the status of your virginity really young, like 11 or something.

I feel like most boys cannot wait to lose it, not even because they necessarily want to have sex that badly but just so they won't get shamed over still being a virgin or so they can brag about it.

 

[NESpowerhouse]

Obligatory:

I don't think I've ever seen virgin shaming from someone outside of high school. Do adults do this?

I usually end up shaming myself.

 

[thepotatoman]

It's considered an insult because it's not something some people are by choice. More specifically it's a state some people want to leave but cant for reasons. Virgin as an insult is about a person's inability to not be a virgin anymore despite said's person wish, which is often an attack on that person's ability to interact with a love/sexual interest.

But what if the reason is something like because they're on the autism spectrum? I know you probably don't mean things like that either, and I know exactly the type of person you're probably referring to, but maybe others don't? If you were a random person on twitter, could anyone reading it know for sure exactly what you're saying and what you're not saying by using that insult?

I honestly don't know. It's like at the intersection of unintentionally normalizing stereotypes and #notallvirgins.

 

[JohnMatrix]

Does the stigma apply to virgins or asexual people though?

In the case of a virgin the stigma comes from them presumably not having something that they want. If someone is a virgin and they simply aren't interested in having sex or haven't met the right person then there's nothing wrong with that but the more common scenario is someone who is a virgin and does want to have sex, in which case the embarassment around it is somewhat justified and should serve as an incentive to try and make it happen, otherwise the person will just be unhappy

 

[wandering]

Does the stigma apply to virgins or asexual people though?

In the case of a virgin the stigma comes from them presumably not having something that they want. If someone is a virgin and they simply aren't interested in having sex or haven't met the right person then there's nothing wrong with that but the more common scenario is someone who is a virgin and does want to have sex, in which case the embarassment around it is somewhat justified and should serve as an incentive to try and make it happen, otherwise the person will just be unhappy

Yes, great idea, let’s also shame fat, poor, and depressed people to give them a bigger incentive to “get better” too.

 

[Dr_LucienSanchez]

There are better things to do than reproduce all the time, despite what every single one of your hundreds of millions of ancestors believed

There's a lot of wonky things being stated in this thread, so I'm not sure if this is just snark?

In any case, I don't think it's even possible that I'd need to write that sex ≠ reproduction. But here we are.

 

[JohnMatrix]

Yes, great idea, let’s also shame fat, poor, and depressed people to give them a bigger incentive to “get better” too.

I'm talking about embarassment, not shaming someone. It's an internal thing

Eg. If I'm embarassed about my virginity that would be because I'm not truly happy with being a virgin

No one should shame anyone it's not anyone's business in the first place, but I don't think people should suppress what they find embarassing especially if it's making them unhappy

 

[cryptosporidium]

I mean like, sex and reproduction are really the only purpose of humans. all other purpose is self imposed thus leading to insinuate that those who cannot by choice have sex are inferior. At least thats my position, not that im condoning bullying but merely considering why virgin shaming is a thing

 

[gfxtwin]

I've noticed many times some woman getting angry at a socially awkward dude and the first thing they do to retort is list off some or all of the following terms: "child", "fuckboy", "microdick", "closet case", "virgin", "neckbeard", "troll", etc. Some of these things might be appropriate, but I don't understand why shaming someone's penis size, lack of sexual experience, being closeted, or having an unfortunate facial hair pattern ever needs to be a thing.

 

[Xero]

One of the reasons i imagine its a lot harder for a virgin up around their 30s and beyond to lose it is just the change in mindset at that age. I'm not a virgin, but im 34, and cant really imagine wanting to date a virgin, because at this stage in my life I would be looking for some one that largely knows what they want and who they are and that includes with sex. Not wanting to "Teach" someone at sex, im much prefer to be with someone at this age that knows exactly what they like in sex, because that can take awhile to really discover.

 

[How About No]

Does the stigma apply to virgins or asexual people though?

In the case of a virgin the stigma comes from them presumably not having something that they want. If someone is a virgin and they simply aren't interested in having sex or haven't met the right person then there's nothing wrong with that but the more common scenario is someone who is a virgin and does want to have sex, in which case the embarassment around it is somewhat justified and should serve as an incentive to try and make it happen, otherwise the person will just be unhappy

Uh how about it isn't justified. What the fuck m8

 

[Ishan]

As some have pointed out it's to do with a state most ppl
Want to leave . If you're a virgin by choice good for you etc

 

[Shredderi]

If you don't want even your close friends to know you're a virgin, make up a convincing sex story. You know how you hear your close friends exchanging sex stories and funny plunders etc.? If you're the one who never has a story to tell, they catch on. Come up with a sex story that sounds plausible, something normal, and maybe make it like you did something embarassing in it and didn't really want to tell about it before. Make it be with a random fictional person so they can't try to verify it from someone.

 

[NESpowerhouse]

Don't you get wizard powers if you're a virgin into your 30s or something? Can anyone confirm this?

 

[Nafai1123]

Could you imagine saying this to someone who was insecure about being gay?

Gay people don't have the choice to be gay or straight. Their insecurity stems from the rejection of their homosexuality in society.

Maintaining your virginity is a choice for the most part, especially the older you get and more opportunities you have to form relationships. I don't consider the plight of a gay man and a virgin man to be remotely the same thing.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. If you've made that choice, embrace it. Who cares what other people say, including myself? If insecurity stems from being a virgin, nothing anyone else says or does is going to change that. You have to figure out your self worth and how your sexuality plays into that on your own.

 

[Haly]

in which case the embarassment around it is somewhat justified and should serve as an incentive to try and make it happen, otherwise the person will just be unhappy

Not exactly. Embarrassment is not a good motivator for a lot of people, and sometimes the opposite, it has a tendency to feed into anxiety which is counterproductive to many goals, including getting laid.

Some people can turn personal embarrassment into drive but it's not a universal thing.

 

[FUME5]

If you don't want even your close friends to know you're a virgin, make up a convincing sex story. You know how you hear your close friends exchanging sex stories and funny plunders etc.? If you're the one who never has a story to tell, they catch on. Come up with a sex story that sounds plausible, something normal, and maybe make it like you did something embarassing in it and didn't really want to tell about it before. Make it be with a random fictional person so they can't try to verify it from someone.

Yes, making up stories about things you have no experience with never backfires.

 

[Kinsei]

I'm talking about embarassment, not shaming someone. It's an internal thing

Eg. If I'm embarassed about my virginity that would be because I'm not truly happy with being a virgin

No one should shame anyone it's not anyone's business in the first place, but I don't think people should suppress what they find embarassing especially if it's making them unhappy

Shame and embarrassment aren't good motivators. Quite the opposite actually.

 

[Valkerionseven]

Virginity obsession has always been weird to me. Like it's clearly only for random other peoples satisfaction in knowing if someone is or not. Much less bullying about it... or shaming in some cases. I partly blame it on the huge amount of media that is all about "guys trying to get some!" like movies and what not but it also clearly goes beyond that for my generation at least.


Anyway it's gotten to the point where I don't even talk about sex really with a lot of people aside from the closest of friends. Who you do or don't have sex with is a personal thing. The fact others tell people they did it is they are looking for approval.

Virginity ain't a big deal.

 

[shadow_shogun]

I don't think I've ever seen virgin shaming from someone outside of high school. Do adults do this?

Yes, grownups do this.

 

[JohnMatrix]

Uh how about it isn't justified. What the fuck m8

So you are embarassed by things that make you happy?

 

[JohnMatrix]

Not exactly. Embarrassment is not a good motivator for a lot of people, and sometimes the opposite, it has a tendency to feed into anxiety which is counterproductive to many goals, including getting laid.

It's not so much that it's a good motivator but it's your brain telling you you aren't happy with something in your life

I'm embarassed by plenty of things, I don't "channel that energy into success" or anything cliche like that but I definitely use that as somewhat of a guide to what I should be focusing on addressing in my life

 

[Haly]

It's not so much that it's a good motivator but it's your brain telling you you aren't happy with something in your life

I'm embarassed by plenty of things, I don't "channel that energy into success" or anything cliche like that but I definitely use that as somewhat of a guide to what I should be focusing on addressing in my life

You are actually living the cliche. This is a real thing people struggle with and fuels the psychotherapy industry. Many people are not capable of doing what you do and feel comes to you naturally.

 

[Kinsei]

It's not so much that it's a good motivator but it's your brain telling you you aren't happy with something in your life

I'm embarassed by plenty of things, I don't "channel that energy into success" or anything cliche like that but I definitely use that as somewhat of a guide to what I should be focusing on addressing in my life

There are people unhappy with a lot of things they can't change.

My virginity is another way society makes me feel like a worthless freak but since I'd rather cut my dick off than have sex with it there's really nothing I can do about it.

 

[rtcn63]

I know a lot of young adults with kids they didn't want and relationships they wish they could escape it's not so bad to have the D only to yourself

 

[Stranger Things]

Sex is overrated

 

[BunnyBear]

Having friends that don't insult me or make fun of me for any reason is actually pretty awesome.

Your friends are not really true friends unless you and they are comfortable taking the piss out of each other.

 

[BunnyBear]

Sex is overrated

It really isn’t. Good sex is one of life’s best feelings.

 

[TheContact]

I was stupid for waiting until I was 23. I kept avoiding it despite girls coming on to me because I had this stupid idea I wanted my first time to be “special”. That never happened and I lost it to some easy girl in a non meaningful way.

 

[wandering]

Gay people don't have the choice to be gay or straight. Their insecurity stems from the rejection of their homosexuality in society.

Maintaining your virginity is a choice for the most part, especially the older you get and more opportunities you have to form relationships. I don't consider the plight of a gay man and a virgin man to be remotely the same thing.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. If you've made that choice, embrace it. Who cares what other people say, including myself? If insecurity stems from being a virgin, nothing anyone else says or does is going to change that. You have to figure out your self worth and how your sexuality plays into that on your own.

You're arguing in a thread about virgins being shamed by others that any individual's insecurity about being a virgin is their own fault. Do you not see how backwards that is?