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Watch out, Xbone fans: KINECT can see your penis!

Marvel

Marvel

could never
Papercuts said:
Well, you can snap in IE and flash is supported... :D
Click to expand...

4evi.jpg
 
T

twl

Banned
Pretty soon internet will be flooded with ppl who show their dongs, or bananas crammed into their pants for the world to see! Oh wait...
 
F

Froli

Member
Erm wait, so everytime you have guests or friends coming by to play with you Xbox One, it will scan them? Lmao
 
C

Carcetti

Member
The original Kinect had some measuring software made by hackers. You could put an object in front of the camera and it would tell you how long it was.
 
O

onQ123

Member
The Xbox One Has A Wee Dong Problem


BUT DESIGNING AROUND MALE GENITALIA IS NOTHING NEW FOR VIDEO GAME CONSOLES.

The Kinect is one of the most amazing pieces of consumer hardware on the planet. It can recognize the human anatomy with incredible logic and accuracy. And when Microsoft’s new Xbox One comes out next month, every unit will be packaged with an improved Kinect, capable of 1080p Skype video and improved 3-D fidelity that, using an IR camera, can even make out your body in the dark. With extreme specificity.


In fact, while I’d intended to post the above tech demo of the improved Kinect from Microsoft Research, I noticed, alongside the intricacies of a hoodie and jeans--and there’s no graceful way to put this--a dong. The Kinect hardware/software is now so effective at deciphering the bumps and folds of clothing that it can pinpoint a man’s package down to its pant leg, carving out the distinctive folds in our trousers that society, backed by a bit of shadowy denim, has become remarkable at ignoring.

As soon as I made the observation, it brought me back to a moment I must have repressed during the Xbox One announcement at Microsoft’s campus in Redmond. Testing the new Kinect in a cozy room, I, amongst a small handful of journalists and engineers who I didn’t know, caught a glance at my own man lump snake python on the screen. I felt the fear of every ninth-grade boy called up to the chalkboard.


Truthfully, a small percentage of Xbox owners may ever have such an experience. This topographical view is essentially a debug mode (I believe, accessible to gamers, but far from standard), and most Kinect experiences will likely render you as a bubbly asexual cartoon or a character with stock anatomy, smoothing over everything from hoodie strings to the overzealous nipples.

But as everyday technologies get better at seeing us naked, it does call to question: Should developers start thinking about censoring their imaging APIs? Should a company like Microsoft algorithmically smooth over chests, rears, and crotches at the core layers of their technology to protect a user’s chastity in the uncanny valley of nudity? Because while the Kinect isn’t nearly as anatomically omniscient as the TSA’s controversial millimeter wave scanners and Backscatter X-ray machines, it’s still processing our anatomy at a level more acute than the human eye, and it’s only going to get better.

AS EVERYDAY TECHNOLOGIES GET BETTER AT SEEING US NAKED, SHOULD DEVELOPERS START THINKING ABOUT CENSORING THEIR IMAGING APIS?
As absurd as this problem may sound, the consoles have a history of designing around sexuality--what most of us would agree is a necessary countermeasure on platforms where five-year-olds may interact with 50-year-olds. Xbox Live gamertags and profiles, for instance, ban “topics or content of a sexual nature.” (This policy led to mass bannings of subscribers who used the words “gay” and “lesbian” a few years ago, when Microsoft clarified the policy was not driven by an anti-gay agenda, but because a vast majority of users were using those words as insults.) The Nintendo Wii U took on dongs in a more direct manner, when their latest console allowed users to draw on the walls of Miiverse message boards: The company actually developed algorithms derived from popular, Western styles of penis sketch to detect and block phallic imagery. (Crafty artists beat the code, but Nintendo’s heart was in the right place.)


Almost everything in this article is laughable, so I’m not going to pretend that Microsoft is violating us, or spotting anything that a strong squint couldn’t already see. And I’m certainly not going to imply that some exacerbated shadowing around someone’s crotch will defile the youth of our society. The new Kinect certainly isn’t malevolent; it’s just engineering that works a bit too well, and is sharing that a half step more socially than we might want it to be.

As increasingly capable technologies become more personal, we’re going to have to think less about what we can do, and more about what we shouldn't do. Whether it's Kinect staring at our crotches, Amazon peeking into our buying habits, or Facebook leering at our social life, the technology industry will have to continually strike a design balance between the granular information they see and the information about ourselves that we see.

Because if I’ve learned one thing in 31 years of masculinity, it’s that nobody ever wants to see my placket-racket flopping around in the living room.
Click to expand...


3020934-inline-750-dong.gif
 
B

Black Hat

Member
Froli said:
Erm wait, so everytime you have guests or friends coming by to play with you Xbox One, it will scan them? Lmao
Click to expand...

...and after they leave you say "Xbox Dong" to the Kinect and your Xbox will begin mocking your friends penis sizes. /nextgen
 
B

Billy Big Bollocks

Banned
Excellent news - This could potentially open up a lot of new gameplay opportunities (Although right now the only ones I can think of involve cock slapping and teabagging).
 
A

Always-honest

Banned
After seeing him jumping and nothing happening there, i think he wants us to believe he HAS a penis.
It's a fold in his trousers though
 
F

Faustek

Member
digoutyoursoul said:
Will you get Achievements for your penis?
Click to expand...

This is really important...Something like the PlayStation common-ultra rare rankings....


  • Common size 4"
  • Everything inbetween
  • John Holmes 12"

To be honest I'm mostly afraid the kinect will alert the police that a brown person as me have to much stuff at home...if it can even see me that is.
 
M

modulaire

Member
Hopefully this will get picked up by mainstream media.

I want to see concerned looks on the pundits' faces. "Won't somebody please think of the children? "
 
digoutyoursoul

digoutyoursoul

Member
Faustek said:
This is really important...Something like the PlayStation common-ultra rare rankings....


  • Common size 4"
  • Everything inbetween
  • John Holmes 12"

To be honest I'm mostly afraid the kinect will alert the police that a brown person as me have to much stuff at home...if it can even see me that is.
Click to expand...

Maybe 50 Gamerscore for balancing the Forza steering wheel on your cock?
 
D

dejay

Banned
In other news, rowing has been added into Kinect Sport Rivals. The body scanning is coming along nicely.

x6rdqFc.jpg
 
EdwardTivrusky

EdwardTivrusky

Member
It's a second layer of security to stop your friends or nefarious people from stealing your XBone identity. It scans your voice, reads your face and measures your wang. Tri-point security.

Any footage of ladies? Can we see their Camel Toes? That would be the catalyst for outrage i'd say.
 
C

ChiliManiac

Banned
Condom Manufactures will now be able to get accurate readings of a persons penis...actually, wait. This would be amazing for a sex game lol. It could probably detect your hardness based off of heat levels in your body.
 
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