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[Iriscomeback]

I deliver parcels one day a week, and a week ago I rang and a little girl opened the door. An older women was standing behind her but the kid wanted to take the package.

So I gave it to her and said 'go give it to your grandma'

Older woman: 'I'm her mother'

:-\

 

[nekkid]

I’m not sure this counts - it was more of my worst foot-in-mouth moment, but feels like a slip as well:

I was at my friend’s house years ago with a bunch of other friends (her family was always welcoming to our group and was still there). I was talking to one of my other friends about a book I was reading called “The Book of Nothing” which studies the value 0 and the science and maths behind the absence of anything. One part of it talks about a scientist who said he was driven mad by trying to comprehend an infinite void, to the point he contemplated suicide - which I said to my friend I felt was a bit of an overreaction.

The thing was that my friend, whose house it was, her uncle had committed suicide not 48 hours before, and I’d had that conversation at a volume loud enough for her whole family to hear. And she had told me, so I was aware, but it just never triggered my filter. I felt fucking awful.

 

[sephiroth7x]

Pretty sure others will have done it but I had a recurring issue with saying Orgasm instead of Organism...

This lasted for a good year since I answered a question in class about organisms stating something along the lines of 'But good orgasms can last for a long time...'

Cue sniggering and a seriously red face. I was reminded of this situation recently by my best man as well... I am getting married next year, I wonder if it will pop up...

 

[Jzero]

I told my ex friend that his ex girlfriend was a total bitch right in front of her and her sister (they got me drunk on two four lokos btw)

 

[CanUKlehead]

I was staring at a poster while waiting at the doctor's with my dad, surrounded by about 2 or 3 women in the waiting room.

After readinf the poster I asked my dad out loud, 'what's impotence?'

'Uh...I'll tell you later'

My poor dad. Some women even giggled.

I was 15 at the time, too.

 

[Faiz]

When I was a kid, like 8 or so, I meant to say "that's hard up!" when one of my parents mentioned not being able to get off of work for something because their boss was being kind of a jerk

Spoiler

at least I think that was the circumstance, that bit is fuzzy.

But I said "that's hard on!" instead.

My parents were freaking out "what did you say? Why did you say that?!? WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT!?!"

It wasn't till years later I learned what a hard on was and suddenly the conversation made a lot more sense.

 

[TeamLeftMatch]

Not that bad and I had a good laugh about it afterwards but:

When I was playing a LAN Civ V game with a friend and Game of Thrones came into the conversation. I was think about how fucked up the incest is, and the game put up a notification saying "[One of your cities] demands incense"

So instead I just blurted out "Hey one of my cities demands incest, can we make a trade"

It was embarrassing at first but I pretty much laugh at the moment everytime I think about it.


Quick edit: another moment was when I was telling my brother that I bought the 3ds port of Super Hang-on.
My brother asked "What you buy"
"Super Hard on"

I'm still embarrassed about that.

 

[Freewheelin']

So I got perma-banned off a forum years ago. It was a forum for deaf people to chat about their problems etc. I must have been 10 or so.

One day, a woman makes a topic asking what she should do about her daughter. I said "Get a refund" and thought that was an acceptable answer...So I log on a few hours later and find out that I had been banned for suggesting the mother should get a refund for her DEAD daughter (I had read this as deaf for some reason).

My user name was Here Comes The Pain too...

oh god just kill me now

 

[MikeBison]

I own a tattoo studio and do body piercing in it as my day to day.

Anyway, it was a pretty quiet day and most of the artist were between appointments so we were all chilling on the couch.

A lady comes in and she's exceptionally large of frame. She is asking about having a genital piercing done and I tell her all the information she needs. She says she'll come back in about an hour and as she's leaving she says something like "can't wait, I'll see you soon" and I was just searching for something polite and friendly back and blurted out "Look forward to seeing IT". The other dudes just started pissing themselves when she walked out.

She came back later and we got it done and it was all cool though. But a pretty unprofessional slip up there.

 

[Dot Matrix]

I used to work in a call centre and would always answer the phone saying 'hello, customer support', after a while I got bored and decided to shake things up by saying 'customer services' instead. The next call came in and I said 'hello, customer cervixes'. She paused but didn't acknowledge it. I went back to 'customer support' after that call.

 

[TheOddOne]

I'm very white. I had a big crush on this black girl in high school. We used to kinda flirt before/after class. I was trying and failing to work up the nerve to ask her out. Our conversation turned into something like a betting kind of thing.

What I should have said: ok, but if I win, you go out with me sometime

What I said: ok, but if I win, you have to be my slave

Kill me.

I feel so bad for laughing.

I'm going to hell.

 

[Monkeyball]

Sitting at my desk, drinking an energy drink. A lady walks by and says "Those will kill you, you know." to which I reply, jokingly, "Yeah, that's the point."

A week later I get paperwork in the mail from my job about mental health sites, hotlines, facilities to help with suicidal and depression.

So instead of talking to you she ran off to some HR department. Sounds very corporate America.

 

[JettDash]

I accidentally told one of my drug dealers that his live in GF was cheating on him with another of our friends. In my defense, I was high at the time. On acid. That wasn't a good trip, though not as bad as you might imagine.

 

[doby]

I use the word masticating (because it sounds like masturbating hehehe) far too liberally, often forgetting who's company I'm in and then regretting it.

 

[Mikef2000]

This one happened when I was about 14, but I still there it to this day whenever I see the person I did it too.

This woman's father had died. And I went with my parents to the wake and when we went to pay our respects to the grieving daughter I mixed up my words(it was not in English) and basically instead of saying something along the line of "may he be in God's grace", I pretty much said "may God have mercy on him". I still remember the look of sheer terror on my mother's face when she heard me.

 

[ThatStupidLion]

boss A wanted me to poke boss B in the butt, I thought that was strange so i double checked and clarified that he wanted me to poke him IN the butt.

I drilled my finger into the dudes butt crack.

Apparently Boss A just wanted me to get boss B's attention and meant for me to poke the guy.

Luckily boss B has a great sense of humor and could understand the misunderstanding...

 

[marvelharvey]

After selling my old TV to a blind man and we are saying our goodbyes: "Happy viewing!"

 

[Yen]

Witnessed my dad ask a non-pregnancy woman when she was due.

 

[MarkMclovin]

"Put a sausage in me, I'm done".

At the end of a long and important meeting with several members of a client. I was tired.

 

[vikki]

Was having a conversation with a new coworker, and in reply to her telling me about something I said, "That's fucking retarded." I found out the next day from someone that she has autism.

jfc

I did this when I was 14 and had just started working at Dunks. A girl that I went to school with was working there too, and she had a slight learning disability. One day while we were both working, she had messed up and in telling her what to do, I just decided to take care of it myself. And instead of just telling her that I'm taking care of it, I said "[name] you're retarded." As it came out of my mouth I was like oh no. It hurt her, she yelled I'm not a retard and ran outback. I felt terrible.

 

[SillyEskimo]

We had a new girl start at work and I was walking behind her from lunch and noticed a pronounced limp. I said “Hey limpy, why ya limping?”. She stopped, turned around, looked me dead in the eye and said “I was born with a congenital defect. One of my legs is shorter than the other.”. I then said “How do you know your other leg isn’t too long?”.

She laughed her fucking ass off. Like, so bad I had to hold her lunch for her. That was a decade ago and we’ve been close ever since!

 

[JettDash]

We had a new girl start at work and I was walking behind her from lunch and noticed a pronounced limp. I said “Hey limpy, why ya limping?”. She stopped, turned around, looked me dead in the eye and said “I was born with a congenital defect. One of my legs is shorter than the other.”. I then said “How do you know your other leg isn’t too long?”.

She laughed her fucking ass off. Like, so bad I had to hold her lunch for her. That was a decade ago and we’ve been close ever since!

OK that's pretty funny, given that she took it well.

 

[Relix]

I worked at a bank. I used to work in it, so I mostly never worked with customers, but that one time I was in the floor and a man with no hands asked me for help filling out a withdrawal form. Of course I happily filled it out for him, and then handed it back to him and said "Please sign here" as I pointed to the signature line.

It wasn't even a second before I felt a sinking feeling and my face went all red.

 

[Charlie0108]

Last week I told someone to 'have fun' at a funeral.

 

[Royal_Flush]

So I got perma-banned off a forum years ago. It was a forum for deaf people to chat about their problems etc. I must have been 10 or so.

One day, a woman makes a topic asking what she should do about her daughter. I said "Get a refund" and thought that was an acceptable answer...So I log on a few hours later and find out that I had been banned for suggesting the mother should get a refund for her DEAD daughter (I had read this as deaf for some reason).

My user name was Here Comes The Pain too...

oh god just kill me now

That last remark just killed me and I don't even know why.

 

[Doc_Drop]

I worked at a bank. I used to work in it, so I mostly never worked with customers, but that one time I was in the floor and a man with no hands asked me for help filling out a withdrawal form. Of course I happily filled it out for him, and then handed it back to him and said "Please sign here" as I pointed to the signature line.

It wasn't even a second before I felt a sinking feeling and my face went all red.

I don't get it, just because it already said signature on the form?

 

[Quonny]

There was a girl in high school that had a crush on me. She was pretty cute, but I found her incredibly annoying. She was a cheerleader and super preppy. I was the quiet nerd.

My friends were gathered around me in class one day and said I should ask her out. I said nah. They asked why not. I said ‘because she’s not like us’. They went ‘what the fuck dude, what’s wrong with you’. I told them I just don’t think I could date someone like that. That was the end of the conversation.

Well, she was black. We were white. That’s what they thought I meant, that I couldn’t see myself with a black person. I meant she was loud and extroverted and I wasn’t. Other people heard me and word got to the girl. She confronted me and was incredibly upset. I eventually explained what I meant and everything was okay after that, but it really stuck with me, taught me to use my words more carefullly.

 

[Luminaire]

I don't get it, just because it already said signature on the form?

Read it again. Took me a second too. Though I imagine he could have signed another way.

 

[Rookhelm]

I was on a conference call at work. One other person on the call I knew and was on my team. The rest of the people, I didn't know who they were. Basically, I was just listening on the call and not participating or anything.

The aforementioned person that I knew was sharing his screen to the whole group on the call (going over a Power Point). The group was discussing the presentation, normal conference call stuff.

Well, this one other guy on the call was going on and on and on and on. Just droning on...rambling basically. The call was starting to drag, big time.

So, in my lapse in judgement, I IMed my coworker (who was sharing his screen) and said "this guy talks too much".

As soon as I hit Enter, I saw it pop up on his screen (presumably for everyone on the call to see). I went into instant panic mode. I turned my head to try to get my coworker's attention, but he had his head facing down (also bored of this guy's rambling, so he had his eyes closed).

I immediately jumped up from my desk, ran over to his desk. Told him what I did, so he stopped sharing the presentation, closed his IM windows, and turned sharing back on.

No one on the call said anything, so I don't know who, if anyone saw it. Or, if they did see it, hopefully they were unaware that I was on the phone, and maybe I was IMing this guy for some other reason.

But I was mortified, and thought for sure I was going to get reprimanded or fired. But no one ever said anything.

 

[smisk]

Once when I was young I switched the R and F in Fudruckers. That's how I learned the F word.

 

[Ravelle]

At job interviews a lot.

There's a vortex of words I could use through my head and I usually pick the wrong ones.

 

[Ethelwulf]

Old lady at a Christmas party was struggling to have a slice from a turkey. She was moving her head as in saying "no" all the time. I approached her and told her "I also hate these knifes". Moments later I realized she had Parkinson's disease. Kill me...

 

[Mascot]

In a pre-meeting lull at work we were discussing recent movies around the table and our MD's son nodded towards his father and said "we watched The Green Mile together last night and went through a whole box of tissues" to which I quipped "I didn't even realise it was a porno".

 

[Bennettt2]

during high school days, my friend and I are chatting to my gf's aunt. My relationship with gf was still in the early stages so I wanted to make a good impression and was being all serious and polite. We're ending the conversation and my friend says to her "hope you have a good night" and I say to her "you, too" She looked at my friend, silent, then burst into laughter.

I was laughing, too, and thinking let's get the fuck outa here.

 

[MudoSkills]

What I meant to say: 'I'm popping to the toilet for a wee'.
What I said: 'I'm popping to the toilet for a wank.'

To my mum.

 

[TheOfficeMut]

I'm very white. I had a big crush on this black girl in high school. We used to kinda flirt before/after class. I was trying and failing to work up the nerve to ask her out. Our conversation turned into something like a betting kind of thing.

What I should have said: ok, but if I win, you go out with me sometime

What I said: ok, but if I win, you have to be my slave

Kill me.

Un-fucking-real.

Get out.

boss A wanted me to poke boss B in the butt, I thought that was strange so i double checked and clarified that he wanted me to poke him IN the butt.

I drilled my finger into the dudes butt crack.

Apparently Boss A just wanted me to get boss B's attention and meant for me to poke the guy.

Luckily boss B has a great sense of humor and could understand the misunderstanding...

Okay Harvey

 

[McLovin]

I was talking to a higher-up that I never met through the phone and I called him ma'am because he sounded like a woman, he quickly corrected me and said to not worry because it happens a lot.

Felt really embarrassed but it could have went worse.

Lmao my step dad sounds like a little old lady on the phone. He lost his shit the last time it happened. “I AM A MALE MOTHER FUCKER!!!111 M.... A........ L...... Eeeee~~~~” dude one the other end “sorry ma’ma... uhh sir”

 

[JigglesBunny]

In second grade, it was "bring your own game" day and the majority of us were playing Monopoly which had been brought by a kid who always had some weird, unwarranted hatred of me.

I had started winning and the kid was already in a particularly agitated mood that day for whatever reason so he was starting to hurl insults. I wasn't a very thin kid at the time so in traditional elementary school fashion, he starting saying things along the lines of "You fat ass, stop cheating!" and "You're such a freaking blob!" All of my "friends" had begun laughing at me along with him (basically the entire class) and I never took insults very well so I was getting emotional after the first insult and I went to the first thing my spiteful, uninformed little brain could think of to dig back - "Your parents made a mistake with you, if I were them, I'd ditch you in street!"

Turns out his parents had just told him that they were getting a divorce that same morning. He never got over that and rightfully so. To this day, I still feel like a fucking asshole for that... I just didn't know.

 

[Shredderi]

One of my wife's friends.

For what ever reason the last few times we have hung out I end up saying something at the wrong time and it just comes off reeking of lust and attraction towards her.

I can't recall any of them except for the most recent example. We were having drinks and they were chatting about something while I was on my phone. Heard something said and I wanted to remark "if only those walls could talk" because I thought it pretty funny given the context. But i missed my mark and accidentally said it right after my wife's friends had said something about them sharing a room with my wife...

Got this really disgusted look from both of them and her friend made a remark that, that would never happen.

The whole thing was awkward as fuck for a brief moment as I tried to explain what I was referring to in a not so reassuring manner.

Needless to say she hasn't hung out with me around in a while. Pretty sure she's creeped out at this point. And no, odd things taken out of context have happened between me and her a lot more than I figured would be possible, statistically.

Feeling all cringey now .

This keeps happening to you because you're trying to be witty when you don't have the comedic timing for it

 

[Arrowgigantic]

I don't know how you can say you have a brain in your head if you ever ask a woman "how far along" she is, et al., unless she just told you she's pregnant or there is something resembling a baby's head currently protruding from her vagina.

The conversation risk vs. reward ratio is off the fucking charts. Even if she is pregnant, what have you achieved small-talk-wise? All you're doing is attempting to show off that you can tell when a lady is pregnant. Guess what, unless she just peed on you and waited five minutes, she doesn't expect you to tell her.

 

[Doc_Drop]

Read it again. Took me a second too. Though I imagine he could have signed another way.

Totally missed the no hands part....

 

[esmith08734]

When I was 11, I was walking in the hall-way with my friend and we both simultaneously made references about our science teacher being fat. Somehow she found out and cried in-front of my friend and I and then called my parents, crying on the phone. I got in trouble but I was only 11 and this teacher took it way, way too personally.

 

[GhaleonEB]

This was over email and so probably doesn't quite meet the spirit of the OT, but it's one that I remember vividly.

I was in a role at work where I sent a cost status for a product in development out to a wide distribution, including a VP of the company (Fortune 100 company). It was in a response to a question she had asked, copying everyone. I meant to write back that the fluctuations in cost were due to the "constant schedule shift" - but instead wrote "constant schedule shit".

She wrote back, copied everyone, bolded my typo, and said that was probably more accurate than what I'd intended to type. I was a new analyst at the time and kind of freaked out, but it was hilarious in retrospect. I learned later that the VP had a great sense of humor and actually thought it was funny.

 

[GodofWine]

Not me, a coworker in my past ...

We used to golf after work once a week. One of our occasional players was a black man. He was telling me and this coworker about something from the previous nights round, and there was some good natured exaggeration as with any golf story.

It was right around this time that a certain golf movie was in theatres, and it was about a black man who was a caddie and not allowed to play with whites (Bagger Vance) and went on to be a great golfer...

Not knowing anything about the movie really, other than it was about a golfer, my coworker, in replay to the story being told by the other fella (the black guy), says "Yea Ok there Bagger Vance"...I just bit my lip and turned back to my PC.

He meant NOTHING by it...but boy was that weird.

 

[chicken_pasta]

So I got perma-banned off a forum years ago. It was a forum for deaf people to chat about their problems etc. I must have been 10 or so.

One day, a woman makes a topic asking what she should do about her daughter. I said "Get a refund" and thought that was an acceptable answer...So I log on a few hours later and find out that I had been banned for suggesting the mother should get a refund for her DEAD daughter (I had read this as deaf for some reason).

My user name was Here Comes The Pain too...

oh god just kill me now

Wow lad you sound like the kind of person who would kill someone over a cookie.

 

[NervousXtian]

I was once talking to this client and mentioned how this other client was a total bitch to deal with.. and then he told me that client was his wife.

..the only good part was that he turned to his buddy and say "yup, at least you don't have to live with her".

Still felt like stupid.. and never did that kind of thing again.

At work I had a phone conversation with my wife. Ended with, "Bye, love you."

Immediately after had a phone conversation with my boss (also a woman). Ended with "Bye, love you."

I hung up and sat there thinking, oops. I sent her an immediate email explaining that I didn't love her, and that I was just talking to my wife. She thought it was hilarious. (She's also married.)

Did that to my female boss as well.. same damn thing.. was talking with wife.. then boss called.. then.. yup. That's what happens when you aren't really paying attention to either convo as you're working on something.

 

[Ensoul]

I was friendly with a guy I used to work with at a grocery store. He was African american and was working in the bakery department and was getting me a bagel. I said hurry up boy.

He turned around and said "Stop I don't like that." I didn't understand why. Later I found out it was a derogatory term for African Americans. He never held it against me I felt bad because he was an awesome dude.

 

[pushbyte]

White People Interacting with Black People: The Thread

 

[Aranjah]

So, I was leading a raid in WoW back in Wrath, in Naxxramas. We were on the dragon boss Sapphiron, who has an ability called Frost Breath that kills you if you're not hiding behind an ice block when it goes off.

This was in a guild made up mostly of what I would call B- and C-tier radiers. Nice people who tried really hard but weren't all that great as players. So before the pull I was talking on Ventrilo reminding everyone about the mechanics yet again for those who forgot since last week and who don't have DBM holding their hands, etc.

"Watch out for the frost breast--- Frost BREAST! .....FROST. BREATH. Dammit."

Everyone laughed at me for the next several minutes.

 

[MoonsaultSlayer]

In high school, I used to get a pass to the school library during study hall to BS with friends who all got passes from their study halls. So we're grouped together at a few different tables and I start nodding to one friend to check out a cute girl at another table. In a faux tough guy gesture, one of the guys nodded back like "what?!". Other friends started laughing and I was informed that was his sister. We all silently laughed (library) and he took it well and apparently gets it a lot because she was very attractive.