sad as hell
"Adding to that stress, my boss has been pressuring me into having an adult relationship with him. I don't want it. But I'm scared to say so. He's a nice guy, not a scary pimp type, but I always feel scared of people with authority. If we were both single, it wouldn't be a problem but he has someone he's been in a long term relationship with, and I have a boyfriend who I care about tremendously. I know from someone else's standpoint that if I truly cared about my bf I wouldn't do the job I do. But when you're in the position I am in, perhaps one can understand. I have no emotional connection to the people I treat, and all I really do think about during the day is "what should I make my sweetie for dinner tonight?" or "God, I can't wait for a big hug from him." He doesn't know what I do, and I hate to think what would happen if he ever found out. I don't plan on doing this forever and I hope to get out of it before things get more serious. I actually spent my free time yesterday at work looking up classes in the college class guide. Unfortunately I'll have to wait until fall to start but that gives me plenty of time to get money together."
"I feel slightly damaged by my job. Ever wonder if porn stars go home and feel like being intimate with their partner is difficult? I feel like I have no sex drive when I go home and its difficult enough with a guilty conscience. Yet a lot of me isn't ashamed of what I do. I guess I feel guiltiest about lying. Anyway, when I come home, I'm very happy and in love, but I just can't muster the emotional energy to be physically intimate. Being exposed to sex all day just makes me numb to it. Perhaps its similar to guys who watch so much porn that actual sex isn't all they want it to be. Any suggestions on how Lil Red should get her groove back?
I know someone asked "If you really love him, why do you lie to him and jack guys off all day?" I left my previous job because he was constantly pushing me to find something more...prestigious? Something that made more money. I think he was ashamed to be dating someone working in the food service industry. He's never said that but I just got a feeling that's what it was about. I'm doing what I can to get by. I tried finding something honest and of course, still looking! I'm doing this because I love him. "