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[CF_Fighter]

Come back OP

They got to him.

 

[fallengorn]

Every story needs a compelling lead character. I recommend using Edward Snowden. Maybe the government isn't after him just because of intelligence leaks. Maybe he knows something. Something about God.

Photonic Research and Investigation for Signs of Monotheism

The NSA was never interested about preventing acts of terror. They were trying to find a way to reach Him.

 

[Hero_of_the_Day]

It's always the threads you least expect...

 

[Talon]

Two things to note from viewing the original Kickstarter.

1.) The OP doesn't know how to use a semicolon, but insists on using them anyway.
2.) There's a link to download the first ten pages of the script and no one here has mentioned it.

Also, someone should tag the OP with: "THE LIGHT FIELD is the force. The mind. That guides. Controls."

Dear God.

 

[Aiii]

They got to him.

Should've waited until he got to Ecuador.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

They got to him.

we're too late.

 

[BigDes]

a lot of this sounds like fluff from The God Machine fluff book by White Wolf

 

[Tunesmith]

FADE IN:

EXT. UNIVERSE

The universe as seen through God's eyes;thousands of stars
shine in the blackness like moonlight on the night's ocean.
The stars energise. Surge. Pulse with throbbing white light.

The stars strobe with the light of a thousand cameras. We
shoot through the stars at the speed of light. Accelerate
through the electric rivers of the cosmos.

The universe slows down for a moment. In this moment we see
the stars in groups. Systems. Spheres of cosmic light chasing
each other like planets orbiting their sun.

The moment ends. The universe speeds up. The veil of God's
vision vanishes. We shoot through the universe once more.
Arrive at one particular star system. Ours.

This is the opening, filled with odd descriptor-mixups and events taking place out of order.

Stars shining like moonlight(??), they both pulse, throb and strobe.. like cameras (which actually flash).
We shoot through the stars at the speed of light, before we.. accelerate?
Stars in groups, like planets? You mean constellations?
"The veil of God's vision vanishes. We shoot through the universe once more." this would imply the view gets momentarily blurry due to acceleration, yet the veil is gone so we should see more clearly.

It continues.
http://www.mediafire.com/file/zn2psnvc3yq7o5d/Superhuman_Start_R147.pdf

If anything OP, work on your writing style, it's quite jumbled for the lack of a better word.

EXT. POLICE STREET - LIGHT VISION [ON]
The street as seen through God’s eyes; Lathan sprints. The
Church Choir sings. The street becomes the light field; a
holographic tunnel of thousands of dots of photonic lights
suspended in blackness. Lathan shimmers. Sparkles. Becomes a
hologram; brighter dots of light collected in the three
dimensional shape of his human frame that sprints down the
cosmic street like a futuristic angel.

God's a robot isn't he/she?

 

[freenudemacusers]

the screenplay preview is pretty amazing imo

 

[Jinfash]

Will there be any male frontal nudity in this?

 

[Talon]

The lack of self-awareness is killing me.

Either that or this guy is brilliant and completely wasting his talents here.

 

[Rygar 8 Bit]

pentagod holy shit lolol

 

[akira28]

OP, if you return, I will fight by your side.

I think whatever the Pentagon thought they found out about God is probably wrong.
There were some hypotheses that our universe was some kind of 3d photonic hologram generated by the physics of some theoretical matter at the "edges" of our "universe". But that was only a theory, I wasn't aware of any experimentation. So did your Mi6 source have anything else that would be interesting but not quite as interesting as that?

 

[I'm an expert]

Fuck this thread is godlike.

From the kickstarter..

[OP's name] is an energetic. Driven. Determined screenwriter with a Master's degree in Feature Film Screenwriting from the Royal Holloway University of London.

Someone who wrote that sentence has a masters in screenwriting.


Cotlike.

 

[obin_gam]

the screenplay preview is pretty amazing imo

I got two pages before I had to quit. Seriously hard to read. There are words there, but the order of them and what they say doesnt make sense.

 

[Kid Ska]

This is the craziest thing I've ever seen.

 

[ElRenoRaven]

This is the craziest thing I've ever seen.

The thread or the OP? Personally I'm laughing my ass off at all of it. The replies are killing me here. Course the OP and his reply already did. I can't stop laughing now.

 

[adj_noun]

The film Priest (2011) was a Pentagon-powered effort after they had proven God exists because they thought that if they didn't start creating films that were pro-Christian then something negative might happen to humanity. They felt that they needed to "worship" this mysterious spirit of the universe or humanity might not exist for much longer.

For those who may not be familiar with Priest

Priest, a western-fused post-apocalyptic thriller, is set in an alternate world -- one ravaged by centuries of war between man and vampires.

The story revolves around a legendary Warrior Priest (Paul Bettany) from the last Vampire War who now lives in obscurity among the other downtrodden human inhabitants in walled-in dystopian cities ruled by the Church.

When his niece (Lily Collins) is abducted by a murderous pack of vampires, Priest breaks his sacred vows to venture out on an obsessive quest to find her before they turn her into one of them.

 

[freenudemacusers]

Will there be any male frontal nudity in this?

That's the $100 pledge

 

[CF_Fighter]

That's the $100 pledge

I think that just results in the shirt being taken off.

 

[SmokinGunZ1981]

Where has the OP gone, I'm desperate for an update on PENTAGOD!

 

[Ward]

The conspiracy story sounds much better. Do that one.
Paul Bettany is the key to all this isn't he? Looking at his filmography it all makes sense. I'm happy to offer any help. I can read, write, draw, and I've even made a few short films. WE HAVE TO GET THIS CONCEPT INTO PRODUCTION.

As for the kickstarter, I've considered starting a kickstarter for an indie film project too. My concept was far less exciting, but it was something I can and actually will film on my own.

You need a finished screenplay and people to help make this movie. The fact is, you can't make this movie as described on your own. That and the fact your screenplay is not finished are your tripping points.

You need to produce something. You need to have the pre-production completed and be ready to start. You need a cast, crew, equipment, and locations. This is before you even launch a kickstarter.

The kickstarter is to make that production better. Tell people what you could do if you reach different levels of funding- better equipment, locations, talent, props, etc. Be reasonable with the money required. You don't need $25k for a camera, $1k would be plenty.

Also, include short films you've done to let people know what you are capable of. If you haven't done any short films, you need to get started.

Also, in your new kickstarter, link to this thread. It will help.

 

[hamchan]

Wow, reading that screenplay it is incredibly hard to visualize the scene in my head because of the writing style.

 

[Nozem]

I admit, I would watch that movie when drunk.

 

[maomaoIYP]

I think the KS would have an infinite better chance of succeeding if it was just about Pentagod. I would KS that to the moon and back, even with a bad scriptwriter.

 

[freenudemacusers]

I think that just results in the shirt being taken off.

Hey he didn't say full frontal.

 

[crazygambit]

Honestly? It sounds like it's both "too much" as well as not compelling enough. You need to appeal to more people, and the themes you're going for only appeal to a very small amount. Try not to get too cliche'd either.

If you want this to work, you need to ask "what do a lot of people want to watch".

Not talking about this kickstarter specifically, but this it terrible advice. The whole point of kickstarter is to explore niche stuff that doesn't necessarily appeal to the mass market by getting through you fan base directly. Cookie cutter doesn't make for the greatest kickstarters IMO.

This doesn't mean the messaging doesn't need to be on point and that the presentation and clarity (especially for reward tiers) doesn't need to be top notch.

 

[Batigol]

Need. Update. On. PENTAGOD

 

[anarckitty]

OP must have gotten caught in a wave of ballet-spinning robots.

 

[Quote]

...

Long story short back in March of 2008 I befriended a member of the British intelligence services (MI6). She was an intelligence officer working for them. We became quite close over a couple of months and she told me information that if I ever wrote about would put Wikileaks to shame. Imagine you're The Pentagon. Imagine you've existed for the better part of a century. Imagine you're an organisation consisting of twenty thousand people and you're sole purpose is to protect America.

Now if you're The Pentagon and you discover or come across a profound set of information that could potentially change the world what would you do? Would you immediately call CNN and ask them to publicise it or would you think that this information, which no other country on the planet knows, could potentially give your nation an edge in the global sphere and therefore come to the conclusion that you should keep this knowledge a secret to advance your nation's position on the world stage?

...

 

[shuri]

The first part of the story reads like the back of a 1987 nes game I would totally rent.

ULTRA GAMES PRESENTS - SUPER HUMAN - Set in the distant future our superhero Lathan Devers (tm) wakes in a nocturnal cityscape overrun by the neon red lights and speeding blur of ballet-spinning robots on the eve of the singularity. Lathan must use his future human evolutionary powers to fight through the robotic waves to reach his little sister Ria Devers at humanity's last stand; the Eden Barrier; before time runs out.

FEATURES

- OVER 10 LEVELS OF EXCITING GAMEPLAY
- HUGE VARIETY OF ENNEMIES - CAN YOU DEFEAT THE BALLET BOTS (TM) ?
- 7 POWERFUL WEAPONS AND SUPER ABILITIES LIKE 'SUPER JUMP' (TM) AND 'MIND WARP' (TM)
- BASED ON THE KONAMI ARCADE HIT!
- HIGH DEFINITION 8-BIT GRAPHICS
- PASSWORD SAVE SYSTEM

 

[Enco]

What the shit?

OP please get back to us.

Either way, good luck with kickstarter. You mentioned the main points in your OP.

 

[Cyan]

:/ I love how everyone's mocking the OP while the poor bastard is probably in some Pentagon subbasement being waterboarded.

 

[Enco]

:/ I love how everyone's mocking the OP while the poor bastard is probably in some Pentagon subbasement being waterboarded.

MI6 told me he was chilling with Edward Snowden. They tried getting a hold of him but God shielded him.

 

[GK86]

:/ I love how everyone's mocking the OP while the poor bastard is probably in some Pentagon subbasement being waterboarded.

That's the problem with GAF, never looking at the glass half-empty. OP was contacted by Spielberg to fast track PentaGOD for next summer. Believe.

 

[RangerX]

if this is a troll, seriously well done. If not Its the most enetertaining descent into craziness i've ever read.

 

[Vulcano's assistant]

Wouldn't it be easier to read the police street and Skyline stuff as a SERIES OF SHOTS?

 

[Zeliard]

if this is a troll, seriously well done. If not Its the most enetertaining descent into craziness i've ever read.

Nothing can quite compare to the glory that is

Time Cube

http://www.timecube.com/

 

[MThanded]

Okay well these comments specifically are a rather sobering prognosis. Perhaps I "tried too hard". In terms of explaining I could, but I highly doubt whether you would believe me. I'm no-one man. I have no credibility. I could write pages upon pages here explaining things and still you would have a severe amount of doubt in your mind because, who is this person again?

Long story short back in March of 2008 I befriended a member of the British intelligence services (MI6). She was an intelligence officer working for them. We became quite close over a couple of months and she told me information that if I ever wrote about would put Wikileaks to shame. Imagine you're The Pentagon. Imagine you've existed for the better part of a century. Imagine you're an organisation consisting of twenty thousand people and you're sole purpose is to protect America.

Now if you're The Pentagon and you discover or come across a profound set of information that could potentially change the world what would you do? Would you immediately call CNN and ask them to publicise it or would you think that this information, which no other country on the planet knows, could potentially give your nation an edge in the global sphere and therefore come to the conclusion that you should keep this knowledge a secret to advance your nation's position on the world stage?

From what this woman told me, The Pentagon proved God exists on December 16, 2009 at precisely 4:00am. They had been working towards this for decades. They wanted to prove whether their theorised "spirit of the universe" actually existed and they pulled it off. They discovered that "God" or rather the spirit and essence that exists beyond the veil of this universe was an invisible photonic energy field that generated the universe and now controls the planets and the stars.

You honestly wouldn't believe some of the plans The Pentagon developed and executed over the last twenty years. All I'll say is that America's general filmography reflects the knowledge that The Pentagon generated. Here's a good example. The film Priest (2011) was a Pentagon-powered effort after they had proven God exists because they thought that if they didn't start creating films that were pro-Christian then something negative might happen to humanity. They felt that they needed to "worship" this mysterious spirit of the universe or humanity might not exist for much longer.

You mentioned that the Superhuman Kickstarter sounds like "the ravings of a crazy person". I would interpret that as that I tried way too hard which I fully admit to. Imagine if you knew things that no-one else knew. Imagine if you were never really able to safely profess said things to anyone for the risk of them not believing you, and for the risk of The Pentagon placing a target on your back. Now imagine if you desperately wanted funds and interest in your work to eventually change the world.

Wouldn't you try too hard to make that happen? As I said, I'm no-one. At least at the moment. I could post threads here on NeoGAF with the knowledge that I have but I highly doubt whether anyone would believe me purely based on the fact that I have zero credibility. This is the profound frustration of being nameless. I hope one day I'll have the ability to deploy my knowledge and have people believe me. This Kickstarter was an attempt to inject energy in to that.

If you truly want me to explain how I know they proved God exists I will elaborate. My question however would be, what's the point? You won't believe me. I regretted including that in the Kickstarter about halfway through the project. I incorrectly calculated that this information alone would generate interest in the Kickstarter and it backfired. In hindsight I would have been better off not including it. And this is the precise reason I'm hesitating upon sharing the information now. Now matter what I write, would you believe me? Answer honestly.

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. It has provided some sobering and honest insight to which I have have not access to before. I appreciate it.

 

[Pastry]

Nothing can quite compare to the glory that is

Time Cube

http://www.timecube.com/

What did I just read...

"Americans are actually RETARDED from Religious Academia taught ONEism -upon an Earth of opposite poles, covered by Mama Hole and Papa Pole pulsating opposite sexes.
The ONEist educated with their flawed 1 eye perspective (opposite eyes overlay) Cyclops mentality, inflicts static non pulsating logos as a fictitious queer same sex transformation."

 

[xxracerxx]

Where is the OP? I want explanations as to how they proved God exists.

 

[A Pretty Panda]

I hate you all. Now we'll never hear an explanation.

 

[User 100115]

I wasn't going to post in this thread, because I dislike hurting people's feelings, but I wanted to give you some honest feedback.

I didn't read the screenplay, because the summary of the main characters sounded like a guide for writing Mary Sues. Also, cribbing a name from another author, especially if the name is uncommon, is a big no no. When you write, don't write about idealized versions of yourself or others. Look at people, see what they do in their real lives, watch strangers on the street. Take these aspects you have absorbed and create characters that are realistic and compelling.

Don't stop writing. Writing is the best thing you can do, and it takes practice like anything else. Try to avoid cliches or things that are just too insane for a reader to really feel; unless you seriously establish the world, throwing people in the middle of something incredibly far fetched is tough. Most of all, listen to what people say, but instead of getting dejected or angry, just learn from it. Don't take it personally, and use it for further growth.

As of the conspiracy angle, I would leave that completely out of anything you are trying to sell unless THAT is what you are trying to sell.

 

[RangerX]

Nothing can quite compare to the glory that is

Time Cube

http://www.timecube.com/

Ok yeah fair enough that is pretty unbeatable on the crazy meter. Guy sounds like he has some serious issues though. Some of that comes off as genuinely weird/scary.

 

[GulAtiCa]

i. uh.. what?

 

[beat]

if this is a troll, seriously well done. If not Its the most enetertaining descent into craziness i've ever read.

... OK, Time Cube is crazier, but check out the Katalyka fiasco, as mentioned on NeoGAF: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=481967

 

[Race to be King]

Script sounds like William Gibson on a very bad acid trip.

 

[Joe Molotov]

Nothing can quite compare to the glory that is

Time Cube

http://www.timecube.com/

tl;dr

 

[Forkball]

This is like The DaVinci Code on acid.

 

[ebullientprism]

Forget about Superhuman. From your pitch it doesn't sound appealing in the slightest, it's just a combination of different cliches and tropes. No one on Kickstarter will fund the screenplay of yet another generic superhero movie, there's just too much of it on the market already.

Your crazy pentagon story however? That one is amazing. Write a batshit insane novel about that, it'll certainly make for an entertaining ride.

Do this OP. I would be way more interested in that novel than the screenplay you are currently working on.