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21st Cenutry Holy Bible. A draft-esque alpha version

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A

Aquamarine

Member
YY0yoCp.png
 
B

Brakke

Banned
https://twitter.com/c21HolyBible/status/489364520599818240

@c21HolyBible said:
#c21hb GEN1:12 All kinds of flora were produced by the land. God saw that it was good. Except for cilantro, saying, "The fuck is this?"
Click to expand...

ha ha ha ha get it? 'cuz fuck cilantro rite??

You sure got an anal fixation going:

Genesis 1:1 Long ago. God was bored. So God pooped out the universe. It was a loud poo.
Click to expand...

GEN1:11 God then ripped a wicked fart,allowing life to begin to thrive, bringing forth grass,plants with seeds, and fruit. #c21hb
Click to expand...
 
K

Kano on the Phone

Member
Ntsouls said:
You mean the Bible? It was interpreted via the word of God. You state that humans are complex enough to be able to take the word of God and understand 100%. That God is so simple as to be explained by all in the Bible, which does not even attempt to do so the entire time?
Click to expand...

You just didn't understand my analogy because it was like a perfectly baked souffle that hasn't been made yet.

Ntsouls said:
Yes, now. But not early South Park.
Again this is ...South Park season one rright now. And I am aiming to bring it up further.
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You're straight up delusional if you actually believe this.
 
S

Stet

Banned
i read the first part again and i actually laughed this time but not for the reason you want people to laugh
 
J

jay

Member
CarpeDeezNutz said:
This is the book version of that rap cd that one gaffer's brother made.

Edit: lol Looks like I am not the only one to see it!
Click to expand...

This is what I thought about, too. I think I was mean in that thread because of the degree of separation, but it's harder when the actual artist is the one posting.
 
B

Borgnine

MBA in pussy licensing and rights management
There are also 10 instances of "wigger," so it actually balances out to be not racist.
 
M

Mariolee

Member
Karkador said:
OP conveniently didn't mention that he already tried Kickstarter and it failed miserably

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/505258219/21st-century-holy-bible


Take a fucking hint.
Click to expand...

Pledge $500 or more

0 backers

OH BOY! You get a leather bound(real leather, unless you're against that, scraped off of one of those anorexic cows in India by an Indian boy) of part 1, gold edged(real gold, maybe, smelted to the side of the edges of the pages by , perhaps, the exact same Indian boy in India) copy with both of our names signed inside. Same with parts 2 and the complete version next year.

Estimated delivery: Nov 2014
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what

Yeah dude, I don't know how to tell you this nicely, but the written word may just not be your forte.
 
S

Spider from Mars

tap that thorax
E

EmCeeGramr

Member
i hate to tell you this Ntsouls but i'm from america and i've never heard anyone talk like this except for dumb unfunny teenagers online
 
D

Danchi

Member
Maybe you could try making a blog series which just focuses on individual events and is much shorter and more focused.

Or, if you could, trying that with something like YouTube or a web comic.
 
N

Necromanti

Member
Karkador said:
Take a fucking hint.
Click to expand...
I guess I can understand being attached to a project if you've already written 90 pages of the stuff, but I mean, it might be taking it too far when you're even linking to it on your OkCupid page. Pursue it as a personal project if you really feel compelled to continue with it.
 
J

jay

Member
EmCeeGramr said:
i hate to tell you this Ntsouls but i'm from america and i've never heard anyone talk like this except for dumb unfunny teenagers online
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That's weird. I'm also from America and reading this Bible is like getting a phone call from my mom.
 
T

TUSR

Banned
ntsouls if you have any videos of you doing standup please let me know and ill donate you double what your kickstarter made
 
M

Masquerader

Member
As a normal person, this is rough. Very rough. Awfully juvenile, and would require tons of visual gags in order for it to work properly. Trust me, I had a snap at writing one a few years back. I called it 'The Bible: Reloaded', and it starred Dick Van Dyke in a journey across the Andes with Nicolas Cage as his trusty gerbil.

As a Christian, though, allow me to say that this could hurt more people than South Park and the like do, because thanks to the excellent visuals, impeccable wit, the general charm that it exherts, and the originality. And a lot of Christians focus on that. If they don't have any of these things, then what ARE they going to focus on? The 'mocking Christianity' aspect of it.

Anyways, Song of Songs is funnier.
 
B

besada

Banned
While criticizing the document is entirely okay -- because it's terrible -- let's quash the detective GAF before someone goes too far.


It's terrible.
 
T

theWB27

Member
Ntsouls said:
You mean the Bible? It was interpreted via the word of God. You state that humans are complex enough to be able to take the word of God and understand 100%. That God is so simple as to be explained by all in the Bible, which does not even attempt to do so the entire time?





Well, again. I don't think something like this gets 100% backing...ever.



Well again there is no real way to respond on a forum to everyone. I know how to improve the book. I get that racial things stir people the wrong way. There is still a lack of balance with vulgarity and wit. As I have said.



Well. Hopefully.



As is true with any idea that is either better or worse.




Well later they become allies. So theres that.
And the language is representative of how Americans talk. Not every character in this book uses those kinds of words, because no every American uses words like that.
But some characters are...like that.





I honestly. And this is not within regards to the context of whichever character slut shammed. Feel that being promiscuous is disgraceful and disgusting.



All names in that section are kind of offensive.



Well success will be the only measure. And if I fail then I fail.



Yes, now. But not early South Park.
Again this is ...South Park season one rright now. And I am aiming to bring it up further.




Most criticism is. Its not funny. Its not funny. Its not good.
So my only response is that. Well this is your sense of humor. Or this is just an early version.
What response would be more apt?

[


It takes awhile to respond to people. No I will not bail.



I don't know I think Laban is fkin hilarious.
Click to expand...

I mean this as honestly as I can....the reason you're only getting those responses is because of how hard a read it is. You can't ask a reader to find redeeming criticisms when there aren't any.

You're lucky you're getting the responses you're getting. If you put this out on kickstarter it'd be worse. If you handed this to an editor it'd be worse because likely you'd never be taken seriously again. Even if you wanted to write something more serious in the future, it'd be hard as hell to dig yourself out of this first impression hole you're digging with this book.

If you're trying to sell something, go beyond just trying to be vulgar just to be vulgar. It either has the be the funniest shit someone has read mixed with superb delivery or you have to tone it down, and rethink what you're doing.

You're NOT going to get someone who really reads to get into this.

I have numerous scripts laying around not finished because, as I wrote it, I realized it wouldn't sell and going further is a waste of time. It happens.
 
D

Dragonborn

Member
I only read about 10 pages. It feels like you're trying too hard, and it comes off as unfunny (at least to my taste). I'd say, try toning it down and make the jokes tie in more, since it seems like some stuff is just randomly placed. The humor is a bit too juvenile, maybe that's why I don't get it.
 
N

Ntsouls

Banned
Kano on the Phone said:
Holy shit, please post the older ones.
Click to expand...

They are just versions with worster English. Much more vulgar and a lot of sections highlighted because I didn't know what to do with them.




Brakke said:
You're really committing to this metaphor huh. Well one man's pile of dinosaur shit is another person's shitty, flawed diamond... eventually, and by no virtue of the dinosaur itself.

Even though you're this thing, at it's editor-won't-fix-it core, will only make good people unhappy and reinforce shitty attitudes of knuckleheads. The thing you're producing will make the world worse.

Start over. Don't emulate Family Guy. Understand that South Park is far, far, far from flawless and understand that you've exclusively picked up the shittiest parts of South Park and missed what little value it has.
Click to expand...

I write what I findfunny. I haven't read through it for a month, simply because I need a fresh set of eyes.
But when I did read it. I cracked up. Its funny.


Spider from Mars said:
topgearwut.gif
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I find that...hilarious. I suppose that's the biggest fault. What I find funny is different from what you and others do.

Karkador said:
Well that's probably your first problem, then. Who would actually read this from start to finish? Who is this for?
Click to expand...

Me. And people who laugh at things I laugh at.

Aquamarine said:
It's trying too hard and it's too forced and contrived. I found myself cringing at a good majority of it.

Not every single line has to be humorous. If I were to give a suggestion I'd say to make it a LOT more subtle.


An example page:



"Fun water friends" = Not funny.

"Gee, it sure is BORING around here" = Not funny.

"MAKE BABIES! HAHAAHHAHAH! YES! SPASTIC!" = Not funny.

"RAR! MYAK! MYAK! MOO!" = Not funny.

"Walking retard fish babies" = Not funny.
Click to expand...

Some of that is just God's character. Which is childlike and immature.



Mariolee said:
No, I understand.

But when Minecraft was in its alpha, it had room to grow and it's much easier I believe to make changes to a video game than it is to a book. An editor can't fix 90 pages of writing when the error isn't in the prose, but in the premise itself. How do you think an editor does his job?

Also, as someone who does a lot of original work and shows it off to friends, of course your friends are going to like it! They're biased obviously. Show someone who has no stake in your friendship (like GAF) and you'll get truly honest opinions.

And no. Arts aren't all the same. Someone who's good at photography will not assuredly be good at film. Something that works in film will not assuredly work in writing. This is pretty fundamental, and trying to criss cross principles without fully understand WHY they worked is why this book is a bit of a mess.

It's offensive for no reason except to try to make you laugh, so then when it fails at that it's got nothing left to give it a reason to exist. And don't try to tell me I haven't read more than a few words, because I read through a lot more than I thought I could.
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Well It makes me laugh. But I see where it needs improvement and understand how to.
This site was one of the only ways I could show it off the a larger number of people.
I also see how to improve it. I see how I can make it better on every single line.


RP912 said:
I read one verse of Genesis and just click x. I welcome humor in religion but this is terrible and forced to get those lolz. Have the humor been witty and clever I would have enjoyed it...
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It is sometimes.



AudioNoir said:
I'm not sure if an editor can make this funny, is the thing.

What you're not accepting here is that you're not good at this style. It's just not your strength, and no amount of polishing, editing, kickstarting, or pleading with people is gonna fix that.

You've got so much motivation, and it's being totally wasted on pursuing a project that's not only BEEN DONE, but done better.

Find something you're good at, OP. Seriously. If you can find that thing and apply the same determination, you'll find your success. No joke here, I do believe that. This isn't it.
Click to expand...

Thanks. But I believe in it still. I believe that it can maybe succeed.




















Crimsonclaw111 said:
SPOILERS FOR THE END OF BOOK

"So Meyer-Jospeh died at the age of
110. After that they embalmed him in bubble gum,
his body was placed in a coffin in California."
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LMAO.

Brakke said:
maybe u jus dont get south park huh it's parody its actually pretty smart if u think about it
Click to expand...

Well thats my goal with this eventually.
 
K

Kano on the Phone

Member
Ntsouls said:
It is sometimes.
Click to expand...
Only it isn't. You've had a bunch of people of different backgrounds, perspectives, and senses of humor scouring this thing and no one has found anything that was intentionally funny. You keep saying "people who find the same things funny that I do" but you aren't as funny as the things you find funny. You aren't funny.
 
D

DedValve

Banned
This entire thread is too try hard.

I got a chuckle out of maybe 1 joke but this is super elementary potty humor with no charm or cleverness or even substance. Nothing makes sense or is even coherent. For a book with a lot of stories this parody has none...
 
E

EmCeeGramr

Member
OP, why do you think making fun of women and transgendered people and racial minorities is funny

please do not mention "south park" or "family guy" in your response
 
A

ActuallyHulk

Banned
Well I will state that this is kind of offensive, at least to me, but that's really not the worst part I find about it. It's just plain bad. I think I wrote stuff like this when I was in 8th grade and that's not an exaggeration.
 
A

Air

Banned
I've been trying to think of a way to verbalize my feelings on this, but I think it'd be easier to say that you should put it down.
 
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