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[Zaptruder]

Real talk... feel bad for this guy. He's delusional. And doesn't know it... or doesn't know how to deal with it, other than keeping his chin up and to keep on punching.

Your punches aren't landing fellow man. Learn some skills. Get in some training. Figure out how to humor. If you're still keen on the idea after you've got something worth saying... something worth making people laugh about, then go for it.

But this... you're not going to do anything other than embarrass yourself here. Unless your actual intention is to elaborately troll - getting a laugh at the naivety of the crowd who assumes you're been serious. In which case, good effort.

 

[Simon Belmont]

Bad idea. Bad execution. Good thread.

 

[Veritigo_X]

It reads sort of like 'The Poop That Took a Pee' from that South Park episode. If that was what you were going for when you said South Park-like you've nailed it.

 

[Astarte]

Surely you can be more subtle with your humor rather than beating me over the head with it? I'm 4 pages in and I can't continue.

 

[Kano on the Phone]

OP, why do you think making fun of women and transgendered people and racial minorities is funny

please do not mention "south park" or "family guy" in your response

This is a very important question.

 

[AlexMeloche]

Oh god, this is so bad.

I understand OP that YOU find your story funny, but there's nobody else in this thread who does. And I doubt anyone over the age of 12 would irl. Sorry. :/

 

[Kurdel]

Ouch, this thread, I physically feel bad for OP.

Maybe another forum would appreciate your work more OP, like Gamefaqs? Just don't go to 4 chan, your name is on the front page of your doc.

 

[AudioNoir]

Could OP maybe explain why he thinks his Kickstarter is failing? And why he didn't mention it before amongst all the other pushes for success?

Because he's not getting the "you're not funny, don't do this" part of the thread. Might as well start asking different questions.

 

[Masquerader]

Best.

It's an alter ego of mine.

Spoiler

My superhero alias is Christian Mann.

 

[jay]

OP, I am interested in writing a book about your attempt to write this book.

Real talk... feel bad for this guy. He's delusional. And doesn't know it... or doesn't know how to deal with it, other than keeping his chin up and to keep on punching.

You know he can read this, right?

 

[daveo42]

OP conveniently didn't mention that he already tried Kickstarter and it failed miserably

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/505258219/21st-century-holy-bible


Take a fucking hint.

I think me might have. Looks like OP nope'd the fuck out of the thread after this got brought up.

I fully believe that people should peruse their dreams and know that failures are a part of that process. This, as a whole, is a failure and maybe you should reexamine what your dreams and goals are and not try to cash in with lowbrow comedy and half baked ideas. It's just not humorous in any way, shape, or form outside of the responses coming out of this thread.

OP, I'd find a day job and stick to doing that instead for now instead of this. Maybe it is time to step away from this whole thing and come back to it once your writing has matured. Maybe it's time to just drop it all together and pursue something else entirely.

 

[Ntsouls]

OP conveniently didn't mention that he already tried Kickstarter and it failed miserably

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/505258219/21st-century-holy-bible

Take a fucking hint.

I just didn't know enough people. Or have away to get out to people.

Just do a picture book Bible:

This is a good idea actually...

I guess I can understand being attached to a project if you've already written 90 pages of the stuff, but I mean, it might be taking it too far when you're even linking to it on your OkCupid page. Pursue it as a personal project if you really feel compelled to continue with it.

Well I spent 5 years in China. Then came back here and didn't know anyone. I was looking for ways to get critiques. It helped and it worked for me at the time.

I mean this as honestly as I can....the reason you're only getting those responses is because of how hard a read it is. You can't ask a reader to find redeeming criticisms when there aren't any.

You're lucky you're getting the responses you're getting. If you put this out on kickstarter it'd be worse. If you handed this to an editor it'd be worse because likely you'd never be taken seriously again. Even if you wanted to write something more serious in the future, it'd be hard as hell to dig yourself out of this first impression hole you're digging with this book.

If you're trying to sell something, go beyond just trying to be vulgar just to be vulgar. It either has the be the funniest shit someone has read mixed with superb delivery or you have to tone it down, and rethink what you're doing.

You're NOT going to get someone who really reads to get into this.

I have numerous scripts laying around not finished because, as I wrote it, I realized it wouldn't sell and going further is a waste of time. It happens.

I feel if I can improve it more. That its outgragouseness might reach the right people and spark more attention, thus giving me enough attention for backers and so forth.

 

[Dude Abides]

Comedy is very difficult to do well, I'm afraid.

 

[Zaptruder]

You know he can read this, right?

Does my post read like it's not aware of that fact?

 

[Kano on the Phone]

I just didn't know enough people. Or have away to get out to people.


This is a good idea actually...




Well I spent 5 years in China. Then came back here and didn't know anyone. I was looking for ways to get critiques. It helped and it worked for me at the time.



I feel if I can improve it more. That its outgragouseness might reach the right people and spark more attention, thus giving me enough attention for backers and so forth.

Can you answer this question:

OP, why do you think making fun of women and transgendered people and racial minorities is funny

please do not mention "south park" or "family guy" in your response

 

[Aaron-Lagann]

I guess I can understand being attached to a project if you've already written 90 pages of the stuff, but I mean, it might be taking it too far when you're even linking to it on your OkCupid page. Pursue it as a personal project if you really feel compelled to continue with it.

90 pages really isn't that much in the grand scheme of things, I've written 200 pages of a novel before throwing it out for being trash.

And yeah, this... I have no problem with offensive humor, but this seems to be missing the humor part. Sorry, OP, I understand more than a lot of people how hard it is putting something you worked hard on out there, but that's why you have the people around you, before you send anything out to the public eye, have some friends read it over and get some feedback.

But don't give up, I know it's hard, I understand greatly just how goddamn hard it is to put yourself out there like this, but don't let it stop you. If you enjoy writing, then keep doing it.

 

[Astarte]

Can you answer this question:

Because 'haha they're different'

 

[Blood Red Sky]

I feel if I can improve it more. That its outgragouseness might reach the right people and spark more attention, thus giving me enough attention for backers and so forth.

Your optimism is endearing, but honey, no. The whole thing is terrible from the ground up. Please put your energies into something more productive. You've obviously got a lot of self-motivation - you can do better than this.

 

[Borgnine]

Serious question: have you ever been screened for Autism?

I'm honestly not trying to make fun of you. If you are somewhere on the spectrum, you should talk to someone, because if it manifests itself with "nigga faggot" jokes you're going to get yourself in to serious trouble someday.

 

[Ntsouls]

I think me might have. Looks like OP nope'd the fuck out of the thread after this got brought up.

I fully believe that people should peruse their dreams and know that failures are a part of that process. This, as a whole, is a failure and maybe you should reexamine what your dreams and goals are and not try to cash in with lowbrow comedy and half baked ideas. It's just not humorous in any way, shape, or form outside of the responses coming out of this thread.

OP, I'd find a day job and stick to doing that instead for now instead of this. Maybe it is time to step away from this whole thing and come back to it once your writing has matured. Maybe it's time to just drop it all together and pursue something else entirely.

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

 

[Aaron-Lagann]

Your optimism is endearing, but honey, no. The whole thing is terrible from the ground up. Please put your energies into something more productive. You've obviously got a lot of self-motivation - you can do better than this.

Yeah, I'd suggest giving up on this project all together. Start something new and see if you're more suited to a different genre.

 

[jay]

Does my post read like it's not aware of that fact?

Yes, but I'm joking anyway. Maybe if you lightened up, you'd realize how funny this new bible is.

 

[The_Darkest_Red]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

Churches? You can't be serious...

 

[Veritigo_X]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

Don't do this.

 

[Simon Belmont]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

No, oh god no. Don't ever bring this to anyone's attention. If you have any luck at all this thread will be forgotten and you won't become a GAF legend.

 

[Astarte]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

Why would people who go to churches want such a profanity laden piece of work?

 

[angular graphics]

This is horrible. Maybe it was pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-alpha.

 

[Aquamarine]

Understatement of the year, OP.

 

[Manu]

Wow, this is bad. Like, I try to have an open mind (and I do like South Park and the ocassional FG), but this is nothing like it. There's no humor here, unless you think "it's funny because they speak weird" is a thing.

It's also horribly written, but the "Cenutry" in the thread title should've tipped me off.

They are just versions with worster English.

...Yeah. I guess that's that.

 

[Crimsonclaw111]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

Okay that was funny.

 

[Gilgamesh]

Ntsouls no offense man you've got a bright future ahead of you in final fantasy fanfiction

 

[Cosmo Clock 21]

Well I spent 5 years in China. Then came back here and didn't know anyone. I was looking for ways to get critiques. It helped and it worked for me at the time.

Deer lord I want to know about the types of women that gave both you and the draft the time of day

On the other hand, it did only get $2.00 in backing.

 

[cheststrongwell]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

I think a video of you passing out copies of this at churches would be comedy gold. Make it happen.

 

[Clydefrog]

I don't really have anything to say. So, --

 

[Joe Molotov]

Why would people who go to churches want such a profanity laden piece of work?

Maybe the OP is angling to the become the subject of a Jack Chick tract?

 

[EmCeeGramr]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

You have gotten attention and awareness in this thread and this is the result. Passing out flyers at a church is not going to give you a better result.

 

[FelixOrion]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

This is a bad idea. Do not do this. No.

 

[GungHo]

I guess I don't understand why someone who doesn't want to take criticism would post this for people who are self-admittedly hypercritical.

 

[Aaron-Lagann]

Ntsouls no offense man you've got a bright future ahead of you in final fantasy fanfiction

Hey, he could at the very least have success in Naruto fanfics. You gotta believe it!

 

[Ntsouls]

Can you answer this question:

I think what makes it funny is the context. Not them in themselves.
Just as a white person acting hip hop. Or a white person being...white.

Its not racist. Because I don't hate these groups.

Serious question: have you ever been screened for Autism?

I'm honestly not trying to make fun of you. If you are somewhere on the spectrum, you should talk to someone, because if it manifests itself with "nigga faggot" jokes you're going to get yourself in to serious trouble someday.

Your oversimplification of the context of wherever and however those words are used is misleading.

 

[XANDER CAGE]

I walk into the agent's office. I sit in the leather chair before he can swivel his own chair around to greet me. With a satisfying slap, I drop a thick envelope on the table.

"What is this," he asks. "How did you get in here?"

"Shut up."

He opens the envelope tentatively, no doubt unsure of the treasures within. I attempt to explain what I've just given him.

"It's an alpha version. Draft-esque, if you will."

He flips through the pages. His brow furrows. Oh no.

"This isn't funny."

"Well, what kind of comedy do you like? That might explain it."

He fiddles with his pen. He wants me to leave, but I want his money more. I sit, and I wait. He places my pages down on the desk. My work. My draft-esque alpha and omega. This is the 21st century gospel, and the word - the bird - will be heard.

 

[theWB27]

I just didn't know enough people. Or have away to get out to people.


This is a good idea actually...




Well I spent 5 years in China. Then came back here and didn't know anyone. I was looking for ways to get critiques. It helped and it worked for me at the time.



I feel if I can improve it more. That its outgragouseness might reach the right people and spark more attention, thus giving me enough attention for backers and so forth.

OP, you're already writing for a VERY niche group of comedy and you're making it even more niche with the ridiculous amount of racism, sexism and otherisms you have splattered in every single sentence. You seem dead set on doing this though without taking in any criticisms from other people.

That's a terrible recipe for someone wanting to write...but to each his own. It's hard to wish good luck....but I guess have fun writing it.

 

[HamPster PamPster]

The Pentagon proved God exists on December 16, 2009 at precisely 4:00am. Then they wrote this bible.

 

[besada]

You have gotten attention and awareness in this thread and this is the result. Passing out flyers at a church is not going to give you a better result.

It would certainly be the funniest thing about the project, though.

 

[Snuggles]

Please, PLEASE pass out flyers at your local churches and report back here. This needs to happen.

 

[daveo42]

It just takes time to reply to everyone.
Its not failure yet. I just need to get attention. Pass out flyers or something at churches. Get some people to raise some awareness.

You are getting attention here, and all of it is negative. Take that as a sign that what you have right now is unreadable and in desperate need of a complete rewrite from verse one. Remember that learning from failure is also being able to take into consideration the criticism you receive on what you've done so far and incorporating that knowledge into what you are doing.

This is not ready for another kickstarter. This isn't even ready for posting to a fanfic site. If you are dead set on moving forward with this, look at what's been written and take to heart the feedback you are getting here. Otherwise, just drop the whole thing entirely because not learning from your current mistakes will just lead to failure in the future, regardless of how much exposure this has.

 

[Masquerader]

Your optimism is endearing, but honey, no. The whole thing is terrible from the ground up. Please put your energies into something more productive. You've obviously got a lot of self-motivation - you can do better than this.

No, oh god no. Don't ever bring this to anyone's attention. If you have any luck at all this thread will be forgotten and you won't become a GAF legend.

Both of these! Seriously, put your tenacity to better use by doing something a little more beneficial, a little less destructive, and a little more entertaining, dearest OP.

 

[Brakke]

Deer lord I want to know about the types of women that gave both you and the draft the time of day

On the other hand, it did only get $2.00 in backing.

Its not racist. Because I don't hate these groups.

How would I be able to tell that from the text.

[*snip*]

This is the 21st century gospel, and the word - the bird - will be heard.

Great commitment to this joke

 

[EmCeeGramr]

Its not racist.

No, it's actually incredibly fucking racist.

 

[jay]

I think what makes it funny is the context. Not them in themselves.
Just as a white person acting hip hop. Or a white person being...white.

Its not racist. Because I don't hate these groups.

You have a very nuanced view of racism and we all have a lot to learn.