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[mjc]

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it wouldn't make any difference.

Can I imagine an explanation that might change your mind? Of course I can.

Hear her out. What is the downside of doing so? Answer: there is none. Don't make decisions like this in the heat of your justifiable anger.

So what's the one explanation that would change in his mind? Genuinely curious.

 

[PrivateWHudson]

All we know is that she flirted with a guy on whatsapp. While that is awful, it is clearly a tiny part of a larger story. Making hard decisions before at least knowing the rest of the story is silly.

Would it change the breach in trust? Most likely not, but you should never make an impulsive choice without gathering at least some of the information you're missing.

If they were married, had kids, then sure. It would be worth the investment to try and work it out and find out more about what, why, and maybe how they can move forward. Just dating...nah, just bounce.

 

[OCD Guy]

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it wouldn't make any difference.

Can I imagine an explanation that might change your mind? Of course I can.

Hear her out. What is the downside of doing so? Answer: there is none. Don't make decisions like this in the heat of your justifiable anger.

Honestly I'd love for you to give an example of an explanation that could change someone's mind who is going through this.

I'm genuinely interested, because I can't think of anything she could tell me right now that would make me suddenly ok.

This is really not the right thread to be waving the polyamory banner in.

If that works for you, fine. For most people it decisively doesn't.

Yeah.

Especially when it makes no sense given that this has been a monogamous relationship from day one.

But now it should be like I sucked someones dick let's be poly (yes I don't know what she's done)

 

[diaspora]

OP already knows the "other side", his partner is a traitorous shit.

 

[Shamrock7r]

You're an adult, OP, not a teenager, so don't do any of the petty shit advised here.

Take screen caps of the entire conversation and the dick pic and send them to yourself. Keep that as a record of what happened. Once you're clear of the relationship, delete it. You want to screen cap it so she can't delete it and make excuses.

When she gets home, have an adult, non-passive-aggressive conversation about it. Tell her the truth about how you found the texts, ask her what it's all about, and tell her that it violates your trust, and you aren't comfortable continuing the relationship.

You guys are on the lease together, so that's messy, but how long is your lease? If it's ending soon, perhaps you can ride out the lease together, then one of you doesn't renew it. I know you were wronged, but if you want to break as cleanly as possible, do whatever's easier. If she agrees to move, good. If she doesn't agree to move, you move, and then never speak to her again. Do that either way. The point is that you don't want to drag this out more than necessary. Another option is maybe talking to the landlord and explaining the situation, and maybe the lease agreement can be amended in whatever way you guys choose.

I know the bros want to tell you that she should be the one to move, fuck her, etc etc, but in my age, I think it's best to try and resolve it as smoothly as possible so you can get to the "moving on and putting her in the past" part quickly. You moving out doesn't mean she "won," or got over on you somehow. Her moving out doesn't mean you "won." You're adults. You just want to get out of this relationship as cleanly as possible. Good luck!

Bleep bloop bleep bloop

 

[ChaosZeroX]

She's called since I found the conversation but I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone.

Obviously she has no idea that I know.

God I feel for you OP. I've been through this exact same thing. If your in Orlando, FL area, I'd be down to get a beer with you or something.

 

[Izuna]

OP even if you forgive her and things continue, you won't be able to look at her the same way. And if you username is any clue, you won't stop imagining why she was this person you didn't know during those times.

If she's willing, she could explain it to you, but it would have to honest, hard to hear truth, otherwise you will feel like you get to the bottom of it. Watch the video I posted.

 

[Askherserenity]

I never suggested the OP stay with his girlfriend. Might as well know the whole story. It could help him avoid a similar mistake in the future if nothing else.

She might just try and talk him out of it though and then he's back in a toxic relationship.

 

[Falcs]

He's a gaffer, I bet he touches the water.

Hey that's not funny. Its a really annoying problem.

 

[Yeezus H. Christ]

I never suggested the OP stay with his girlfriend. Might as well know the whole story. It could help him avoid a similar mistake in the future if nothing else.

There's really nothing to say. She violated his trust and doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with him, end of story.

Unless she breaks out into a sob story "you weren't satisfying me!" which could have been resolved through simple communication and not sending dick pics, so still not an avenue worth going down.

 

[maxiell]

So what's the one explanation that would change in his mind? Genuinely curious.

We definitely don't know the whole story, don't know these people. OP's girlfriend lives with OP, knows he uses her iPad and leaves open this conversation while she goes off about her business.

It's impossible for you to imagine there could be more to what's going on?

 

[BokehKing]

Don't forget to listen to some Too Short when all is said and done, you'll feel better.

 

[Tabasco]

It was asked earlier but this thread seems to be moving fast.

We've been together for 4 years.

Ouch, really sorry to hear that.

I would definitely tell her about it and question her, and as soon as you're hearing bullshit, you need to bail.

Like what was said, just bailing right away and not getting any closure about the story will mess up your head.

 

[Anticol]

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it wouldn't make any difference.

Can I imagine an explanation that might change your mind? Of course I can.

Hear her out. What is the downside of doing so? Answer: there is none. Don't make decisions like this in the heat of your justifiable anger.

There is a lot of downsides, OP could continue with the relationship but knowing that she did this will be always in his mind, he will probably be insecure all the time, he could develop a resentment towards her ruining and making their relationship a living hell, he could become over protective and never leave her be. In addition she could see a weakness in op, she could think she can do this again without any repercussion and even take cheating even further.

Pretty much every outcome out of your suggestion is negative or what do you think it will happen?

Knowing why she did it is not gonna be good enough, as I said before her explanation will probably one of two things, either she will blame op because he didn't give her enough attention or she will dismiss the whole thing and say op is overreacting.

Seriously OP just leave, is the best thing for you and your sanity.

 

[Biske]

So it's my day off today and rather than use the laptop I decided to grab my girlfriends ipad to browse from.

Now I know her passcode (which she knows) but as I enter her passcode and the ipad unlocks it takes me into WhatsApp and I see a picture of a dick and some conversation that is not so innocent.

I'm a little bit thrown back to be honest, with feelings of disgust, anger and confusion.

I'm not sure what to do now, message this guy (or call him), call her, wait until she get's back, say nothing, pack my stuff and leave. To be honest it's done for me now, but still deciding whether it's worth the stress of the arguing and anger.

Obviously I'm writing about it on Neogaf (what could go wrong) but this is completely out of the blue. In the past when I've had shit like this it's normally been accompanied with a change in behaviour, taking all phones etc with them at all times.

Eh not worth getting bent out of shape over. Obviously it's a shitty thing, but if you know it's over just be like hey this happened and I'm out. Wish you all the best. And then on your merry way, billions of people out there.

 

[OCD Guy]

God I feel for you OP. I've been through this exact same thing. If your in Orlando, FL area, I'd be down to get a beer with you or something.

I'm in the UK unfortunately, but thanks for the kind gesture.

OP even if you forgive her and things continue, you won't be able to look at her the same way. And if you username is any clue, you won't stop imagining why she was this person you didn't know during those times.

If she's willing, she could explain it to you, but it would have to honest, hard to hear truth, otherwise you will feel like you get to the bottom of it. Watch the video I posted.

Yeah there's no way I could be with her now. I'd be too paranoid, I'd always wonder whether she was doing something.

I can't be in a relationship like that. That's why I don't get those that are, and if you're gonna forgive someone for something then you should forget it, not throw it in their face every time like what usually happens.

 

[Askherserenity]

Eh not worth getting bent out of shape over. Obviously it's a shitty thing, but if you know it's over just be like hey this happened and I'm out. Wish you all the best. And then on your merry way, billions of people out there.

That's easy for you to say though.

He's been with her for 4 years :/

Is it really that easy for some people to just forget about the last 4 years with someone and be completely chill about it?

 

[Mikeside]

I'm in the UK unfortunately, but thanks for the kind gesture.



Yeah there's no way I could be with her now. I'd be too paranoid, I'd always wonder whether she was doing something.

I can't be in a relationship like that. That's why I don't get those that are, and if you're gonna forgive someone for something then you should forget it, not throw it in their face every time like what usually happens.

What county?
Honestly, GAF meet on Saturday, chill with some cocktails and some GAF bros. It'll get your mind off shit.

 

[Biske]

That's easy for you to say though.

He's been with her for 4 years :/

Is it really that easy for some people to just forget about the last 4 years with someone and be completely chill about it?

No it's not, but ultimately this kind of things it's just needless fighting and extra heart break. Big fan of just letting it die once you know.

 

[Izuna]

I'm in the UK unfortunately, but thanks for the kind gesture.



Yeah there's no way I could be with her now. I'd be too paranoid, I'd always wonder whether she was doing something.

I can't be in a relationship like that. That's why I don't get those that are, and if you're gonna forgive someone for something then you should forget it, not throw it in their face every time like what usually happens.

--

The same thing didn't happen to me, but at the very least something similar enough happened and it lasted a couple years. After the first year, I understood why and saw past it, but it's never the same.

If you two ever stay together, let yourself and her know, it won't be the same relationship. It would have to be a new one, and that new one has the same chances of feeling great as one with someone else.

I know this is the third time, but that video I posted was the only thing that gave me a perspective I needed.

 

[Japanmanx3]

So sorry to hear op. Literally my nightmare.

 

[BokehKing]

OP do you remember the last time she used the iPad? What was her mood like, did you two have sex after she put it down? Was she hiding somewhere with it.

More importantly does she mention you at all at the start of the chat log?
Like acknowledge she is with someone.

 

[OCD Guy]

What county?
Honestly, GAF meet on Saturday, chill with some cocktails and some GAF bros. It'll get your mind off shit.

I'm in North London.

Someone else suggested that earlier, but don't everyone know everyone in those meets? Like it's the same people all the time

I'm outgoing and talk to people but nothing worse than turning up and being like a spare wheel.

 

[TalonJH]

We definitely don't know the whole story, don't know these people. OP's girlfriend lives with OP, knows he uses her iPad and leaves open this conversation while she goes off about her business.

It's impossible for you to imagine there could be more to what's going on?

I hear this type of thing a lot. People are sloppy and make mistakes. It happens and not everyone is a mastermind. You would think that people would be careful but if they were no one would ever get caught cheating.

 

[Milly Osworth]

If she knows you use her ipad, its almost like she didnt mind you seeing it. You sure the relationship didnt go south?

 

[Izuna]

OP do you remember the last time she used the iPad? What was her mood like, did you two have sex after she put it down? Was she hiding somewhere with it.

More importantly does she mention you at all at the start of the chat log?

He is already asking himself these questions and none of them matter. This is about emotion, not logic, and if anything he won't get a real answer from her if this is the route he takes.

 

[perfectchaos007]

Yeah definitely screen save that conversation and send it to yourself. When she gets home, just sit her down, tell her you saw the conversation she has been having, including the corresponding dick pick. Tell her you've been faithful for 4 years and did not agree to an open relationship and because of that breach of trust the relationship with her is over. Then walk out the door and begin discussions with the apartment complex to get out of the lease.

 

[GeordieMark]

We definitely don't know the whole story, don't know these people. OP's girlfriend lives with OP, knows he uses her iPad and leaves open this conversation while she goes off about her business.

It's impossible for you to imagine there could be more to what's going on?

If she's been unfaithful, which is a pretty dishonest thing to do, whats to say OP will ever get the truth out of her anyway. Even if they stayed together, the trust is broken and it wouldn't be the same relationship it was before, so is it really worth bothering trying to save it?

 

[Brazil]

We definitely don't know the whole story, don't know these people. OP's girlfriend lives with OP, knows he uses her iPad and leaves open this conversation while she goes off about her business.

It's impossible for you to imagine there could be more to what's going on?

She did the Thanos.

 

[Ambition]

having random flirty online chats with dick pics flying around are not that big of a deal. most girls do that

I feel bad for you if that's your reality

 

[creatchee]

God I feel for you OP. I've been through this exact same thing. If your in Orlando, FL area, I'd be down to get a beer with you or something.

I'm in Sarasota and I need an excuse to come up to Orlando so that I can hook up with a girl I know who lives there. A GAF meetup would suffice.

 

[X-TREME GAFFER]

I called out a poster the other day for suggesting the idea of just leaving a relationship without any sort of contact or hint. But if I were in your shoes OP, that is probably exactly what I would do. Not saying that's the best thing here. But I don't know what good any sort of conversation will do. Especially considering you already said there is nothing she could say to make you feel okay/regain your trust. Sorry this happened, man.

 

[Sushi Nao]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

 

[MilkyJoe]

That's actually a semi clever idea...

Narf

 

[NeOak]

I'm in Sarasota and I need an excuse to come up to Orlando so that I can hook up with a girl I know who lives there. A GAF meetup would suffice.

You need a GAF meet up as a reason to go and hook up with a girl you know?

What da fuq?

 

[diaspora]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

She betrayed his trust, the question of polyamory is fucking irrelevant.

 

[Mikeside]

I'm in North London.

Someone else suggested that earlier, but don't everyone know everyone in those meets? Like it's the same people all the time

I'm outgoing and talk to people but nothing worse than turning up and being like a spare wheel.

that was me mentioning it earlier too haha


about half of the people who go are us regulars, but we're very open with newbies - by now, we wouldn't advertise it on GAF if we didn't want to keep meeting new faces!

 

[True Savior]

Just talk to her OP. Don't listen to this crazy devilish plans.

 

[Anticol]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

This is one of the most pretentious things I've read on gaf.

 

[OCD Guy]

OP do you remember the last time she used the iPad? What was her mood like, did you two have sex after she put it down? Was she hiding somewhere with it.

More importantly does she mention you at all at the start of the chat log?
Like acknowledge she is with someone.

The last time I saw her using the ipad was last night while I was playing the PS4. No mention of me at all.

She wasn't hiding at all I have a seperate chair when I game so I sit close to the tv, she was sitting in the same room on the ipad. Just a typical night, she's always on the ipad, facebook, amazon the usual.

I hear this type of thing a lot. People are sloppy and make mistakes. It happens and not everyone is a mastermind. You would think that people would be careful but if they were no one would ever get caught cheating.

Exactly. I don't for one second believe she left the page open in safari as a hint.

If she knows you use her ipad, its almost like she didnt mind you seeing it. You sure the relationship didnt go south?

As I've said there was nothing at all to make me believe the relationship had changed, she hadn't changed her behaviour and we were still doing everything we normally do.

 

[Hoo-doo]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

Get the fuck out of here with this shit. Staying in a toxic relationship where he isn't respected is the very last thing the OP needs.

 

[Fahzgoolin]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

smh.

This isn't the time or place to voice your anti-christian/monogamy views. Come on dude.

 

[mjc]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

You might be down with polyamory, but I can tell you that most people aren't.

 

[BokehKing]

The last time I saw her using the ipad was last night while I was playing the PS4. No mention of me at all.

She wasn't hiding at all I have a seperate chair when I game so I sit close to the tv, she was sitting in the same room on the ipad. Just a typical night, she's always on the ipad, facebook, amazon the usual.



Exactly. I don't for one second believe she left the page open in safari as a hint.



As I've said there was nothing at all to make me believe the relationship had changed, she hadn't changed her behaviour and we were still doing everything we normally do.

I'm going to ask a personal question....

If that's a regular night, are you ignoring her for video games?
You sure she doesn't feel neglected due to video games and that's why she is seeking attention elsewhere?

 

[Vire]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

s-i-m-p

 

[ChaosZeroX]

I'm in Sarasota and I need an excuse to come up to Orlando so that I can hook up with a girl I know who lives there. A GAF meetup would suffice.

Well then what are you waiting for? Never been to a GAF meetup in Orlando, but I know there are alot of Gaffers here

 

[OCD Guy]

If she loves you and the relationship's good otherwise, let it go. Maybe have a really clear conversation about how polyamory/polysexuality makes her feel. Humans are not meant for strict monogamy, it's a remnant of Christian repression. It's time for people to be more honest with themselves about their sexuality.

I can't let it go.

For me being in a committed relationship involves being fully committed to me. Trust is very important to me, it takes a while to build and can't be repaired easily with me.

It's good to see that some people seem ok with it though. But maybe if people are that way inclined they should make it clear that's what they want, not shit on someone.

 

[Hoo-doo]

I'm going to ask a personal question....

If that's a regular night, are you ignoring her for video games?
You sure she doesn't feel neglected due to video games and that's why she is seeking attention elsewhere?

Dude, what is this.

Couples can't spend time together anymore unless they are both doing the exact same thing at all times? Have you ever been in a serious relationship or shacked up with someone you love?

 

[Maoyama]

Hey I'm all for that sort of relationship if it's made clear. But often people enter into monogamous relationships even though they don't want them.

There are plenty of people out there happy to have a more open relationship, and just serial date.

Which is why I am specifically recommending that episode by Dan Savage. It kind of highlights why emotional cheating shouldn't really be taking as a deal breaker in most case. He goes further to make a point about how actual physical cheating is also not the end of the world, but I don't totally agree with him on that one. This one: http://www.savagelovecast.com/episodes/504#.V4-jOPmAOko

My point being, that doing this sort of stuff doesnt always lead to more stuff down the line and that just doing this sometimes just reinforces what your partner saw in you and highlights how you are so different than the other people. It is also sometimes done out of boredom, like masturbating just because you don't have anything else to do.

 

[Vire]

I'm in Sarasota and I need an excuse to come up to Orlando so that I can hook up with a girl I know who lives there. A GAF meetup would suffice.

Wait, hooking up with girl isn't reason enough? lolgafman