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[Rogan]

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[Deleted member 10571]

I was in a quite similar position once, it sucks. I feel for you OP. Talk to her and end it in a civil way, even if it'll feel like shit. You already know you won't trust her again

Don't worry too much about how _she_ will recover from it and how _she_ will find a new place and all that jazz, worry about yourself first. She'll be fine. Can't say much about the annoying apartment situation though, in my case back I was the one moving out.

 

[Squalor]

Nah man, that's stupid. What is your grand price here? You know what'll make her go running in circles? Not knowing what the hell is going on! Cut off all communication!

Yeah, that's the wrong way to handle it.

Don't use any communications with her that are easily recorded.

 

[Horseress]

That's exactly why it's done now for me. I'd never be able to relax each time she picked the ipad up.

The thing is this is out of nowhere. No change in pattern, no devices hidden, nothing.

Have you guys been fighting in the recent past?

 

[Onemic]

I just want to make clear that there's no debate at all with regards to me staying with her.

I'm done, I'm just angry as I said, and trying to decide the best way forward. I don't even want a confrontation as it's not going to change anything.

I've got lots of questions in my head though, but not sure I want to know the answers.

Has she done this before, how many times, has she slept with anyone behind my back, what did I do wrong, is he better looking than me, is my dick not good enough, why are you a cunt. I know she hasn't slept with this guy based on the conversation and her response to the picture.

But in the end, even if I knew the answers to those questions it's not going to change anything....

Was your dick game on point tho?

 

[Spiral Insanity]

Don't contact him, just confront her.

 

[X-Frame]

You're an adult, OP, not a teenager, so don't do any of the petty shit advised here.

Take screen caps of the entire conversation and the dick pic and send them to yourself. Keep that as a record of what happened. Once you're clear of the relationship, delete it. You want to screen cap it so she can't delete it and make excuses.

When she gets home, have an adult, non-passive conversation about it. Tell her the truth about how you found the texts, ask her what it's all about, and tell her that it violates your trust, and you aren't comfortable continuing the relationship.

You guys are on the lease together, so that's messy, but how long is your lease? If it's ending soon, perhaps you can ride out the lease together, then one of you doesn't renew it. I know you were wronged, but if you want to break as cleanly as possible, do whatever's easier. If she agrees to move, good. If she doesn't agree to move, you move, and then never speak to her again. Do that either way. The point is that you don't want to drag this out more than necessary. Another option is maybe talking to the landlord and explaining the situation, and maybe the lease agreement can be amended in whatever way you guys choose.

I know the bros want to tell you that she should be the one to move, fuck her, etc etc, but in my age, I think it's best to try and resolve it as smoothly as possible so you can get to the "moving on and putting her in the past" part quickly. You moving out doesn't mean she "won," or got over on you somehow. Her moving out doesn't mean you "won." You're adults. You just want to get out of this relationship as cleanly as possible. Good luck!

Here you go OP, this is a great post.

 

[Abstruse Moose]

The trust is gone. Give her a chance to explain, then move on with your life. Sorry you have to go through this OP.

 

[Llyranor]

make the dickpic the ipads wallpaper and see what happens

Another vote for this one

 

[magawolaz]

Maybe it's her brother. Don't jump to conclusions OP. Confront her.

This.

 

[Trey]

Talk to her in person. Tell her what you found.

 

[Sephzilla]

make the dickpic the ipads wallpaper and see what happens

 

[diablos991]

Immediately leave.
No reason to talk to her about it: she knows what she did.

0 tolerance. Use the effort you would have put into confronting her to find a girl worth your time.

 

[TimeEffect]

How can OP kick her out? Doesnt she own the house too?

 

[LifEndz]

This is how I caught an ex of mine, OP. Went on the desktop to do something and her email was open. Saw that the most recent message was from her ex, clicked on it and it was a long string of messages about them "getting together" during a time she told me she was going to visit her parents. I confronted her, there were tears, yelling and cursing but in the end we tried to make it work. That was a mistake. I could never trust her again. All trying to make it work did was drag out something that was long past saving.

Talk to the landlord about breaking the lease. Say you got a job in another state or something. If you can't, I guess live as roommates until the lease is up. Good luck to you.

 

[crimzonflame]

Please, please be petty, OP. We never get a good revenge tale on GAF.

 

[Squalor]

Yes, you don't understand how tennacy agreements work. Wether or not their relationship has broken down has absolutely nothing with their tennancy agreement. Her cheating has nothing to do with them. Him making her uncomfortable in her own home absolutely does. Neither of them can just pack up and leave. That's not how contracts work.

He was made uncomfortable by her. He has more than she does because she has nothing. You missed that.

Also, getting off the lease is his best-case scenario.

 

[Frodo]

Don't contact him, there's no point. Tell her what happened, say you want to break up, and try to be as calm and civilised as possible. Move on.

 

[LegendofDragoonLives]

Make the dick pic the lockscreen and change her password.

LMAO this would be hilarious. OP if you want to be a real dick about it, you can leave her stuff out with the Ipad at the top of it. When she tries to unlock, it shows the dick pic. No talking, just lock that door and don't open. Let her bitch and whine outside. You can be even more passive aggressive and play loud music that only gets louder as she tries to explain through the other side. Preferably have your friend record from afar as she sees her things and the Ipad and post it here. I know it's not about me (us at gaf), but bring us some lulz at least.

Sorry for what happened though OP

 

[rob305]

Its 2016 and shes not using Snapchat for stuff like that. She's not the brightest it seems. Dump her

 

[dragonbane]

I'm kinda tempted to send her a message along the lines of "Seeing as you like dicks so much" and sending her a picture of my dick. She'll know straight away that I know.

Nah, dont do that. No reason to provoke or do something petty. Go out for a walk if you are going crazy inside right now not knowing what to do. Let out your anger in the gym for instance if you can. Then talk to her once she comes home if packing up right away isn't an option due the lease stuff. You will hit her the hardest in person, by surprise.

 

[giga]

I can't tell if Neogaf members just tend to be the jealous, petty type or that's just the kind of people that decide it's a good idea to post advice in a thread about relationship trouble.

Have an adult conversation, don't do anything petty, and decide on a course of action together since you share a lease.

Personally though, I just can't imagine getting so worked up over some texts. I admit I haven't seen what they say, maybe she insults OPs dick size or something, but being flirty with a guy on WhatsApp is ≠ to the actual act of cheating in my eyes.

But I guess if OP is really pissed about it, ending the relationship is probably the best course of action.

Not wanting your partner to sext or emotionally cheat is not being jealous or petty. It's a pretty clear violation of trust for many.

 

[OCD Guy]

Personally though, I just can't imagine getting so worked up over some texts. I admit I haven't seen what they say, maybe she insults OPs dick size or something, but being flirty with a guy on WhatsApp is ≠ to the actual act of cheating in my eyes.

But I guess if OP is really pissed about it, ending the relationship is probably the best course of action.

Put the label of cheating aside (which I didn't use). Having those sorts of conversations with someone while in a relationship is not appropriate.

Flirting happens, but covnersations where you're describing what you want to do, and then receiving pictures isn't on.

As I've said many times, I'm pretty laid back, I have friends that interrogate their girlfriends, they argue when one of them goes out, go down each others phones etc, but it's never been like that for me.

 

[Khoryos]

Don't worry too much about how _she_ will recover from it and how _she_ will find a new place and all that jazz, worry about yourself first. She'll be fine.

This is really important advice.
I can be hard to say, but the three words you need to have to hand are "Not. My. Problem."

 

[Brandwin]

You're an adult, OP, not a teenager, so don't do any of the petty shit advised here.

Take screen caps of the entire conversation and the dick pic and send them to yourself. Keep that as a record of what happened. Once you're clear of the relationship, delete it. You want to screen cap it so she can't delete it and make excuses.

When she gets home, have an adult, non-passive-aggressive conversation about it. Tell her the truth about how you found the texts, ask her what it's all about, and tell her that it violates your trust, and you aren't comfortable continuing the relationship.

You guys are on the lease together, so that's messy, but how long is your lease? If it's ending soon, perhaps you can ride out the lease together, then one of you doesn't renew it. I know you were wronged, but if you want to break as cleanly as possible, do whatever's easier. If she agrees to move, good. If she doesn't agree to move, you move, and then never speak to her again. Do that either way. The point is that you don't want to drag this out more than necessary. Another option is maybe talking to the landlord and explaining the situation, and maybe the lease agreement can be amended in whatever way you guys choose.

I know the bros want to tell you that she should be the one to move, fuck her, etc etc, but in my age, I think it's best to try and resolve it as smoothly as possible so you can get to the "moving on and putting her in the past" part quickly. You moving out doesn't mean she "won," or got over on you somehow. Her moving out doesn't mean you "won." You're adults. You just want to get out of this relationship as cleanly as possible. Good luck!

This is the best advice, oh, and making the lock screen the dick pic, please do that. Keep us updated!

 

[qcf x2]

I'd want to know if I was the other guy, especially if I didn't know I was the other guy.

How naiive are you guys. He probably knows, there has to be a reason he's sending dick pics instead of actually delivering in person.


OP you need to confront her about it and then bounce. Don't bounce without confrontation, you owe it to yourself to hear what her "excuse" is if any, otherwise you may well end up depressed not knowing if it was something you were doing wrong or if you just keep running into terrible people. The most important thing is to bounce, though. No make up, no second chances.

so you already had trust issues? That's kinda what that sounds like to me (needing to know what your GF is doing on her phone and assuming it's nefarious if it's on her iPhone at 1 AM).

Victim blame/defense force for everything.

 

[Melkezadek]

Save and send the picture to your phone and text her the dick pic without any message. Don't answer any of her calls/texts and confront her when she gets home.

Sorry it had to happen that way OP. Been cheated on is one of the worst feelings ever.

 

[diablos991]

Yes, you don't understand how tennacy agreements work. Wether or not their relationship has broken down has absolutely nothing with their tennancy agreement. Her cheating has nothing to do with them. Him making her uncomfortable in her own home absolutely does. Neither of them can just pack up and leave. That's not how contracts work.

Nothing in the contract says he has to stay.

Just leave and take care of your financial end of the contractual agreement (or read through the contract to see if there is an exit clause). Don't spend another walking moment in the presence of the cheater.

Also take screenshots of the conversation and pics/video of the apartment in its current condition. People get crazy when they get called out for cheating.

 

[iPaul93]

Confront her and see what she has to say.

 

[crpav]

Not sure what the conversation was so can't comment on that but seems she is interested in some other guy's "stuff".

Time to break up and move on but the tough thing is bringing up the reason why. It will lead to her first defense of anger saying "why are you searching my iPad?" Then how you are insecure but in the end she did wrong and that's that.

 

[Squalor]

Nothing in the contract says he has to stay.

Just leave and take care of your financial end of the contractual agreement (or read through the contract to see if there is an exit clause). Don't spend another walking moment in the presence of the cheater.

Yeah, but finding a way out of the lease is definitely better.

Why give the classless person who cheated on him a place to live?

 

[ChaosZeroX]

I just want to make clear that there's no debate at all with regards to me staying with her.

I'm done, I'm just angry as I said, and trying to decide the best way forward. I don't even want a confrontation as it's not going to change anything.

I've got lots of questions in my head though, but not sure I want to know the answers.

Has she done this before, how many times, has she slept with anyone behind my back, what did I do wrong, is he better looking than me, is my dick not good enough, why are you a cunt. I know she hasn't slept with this guy based on the conversation and her response to the picture.

But in the end, even if I knew the answers to those questions it's not going to change anything....

Dude you did nothing wrong. Shes the one who cheated.

 

[Markoman]

I can't tell if Neogaf members just tend to be the jealous, petty type or that's just the kind of people that decide it's a good idea to post advice in a thread about relationship trouble.

Have an adult conversation, don't do anything petty, and decide on a course of action together since you share a lease.

Personally though, I just can't imagine getting so worked up over some texts. I admit I haven't seen what they say, maybe she insults OPs dick size or something, but being flirty with a guy on WhatsApp is ≠ to the actual act of cheating in my eyes.

But I guess if OP is really pissed about it, ending the relationship is probably the best course of action.

OP was very clear about it...
Try that with reversed roles...many women will scratch your eyes out if they find any tit/vag-pics on your phone with some text going along.
We really shouldn't discuss the definition "cheating" here. OP doesn't seem to be the kind who likes that kind of behaviour in a relationship.

 

[Hoo-doo]

I just want to make clear that there's no debate at all with regards to me staying with her.

I'm done, I'm just angry as I said, and trying to decide the best way forward. I don't even want a confrontation as it's not going to change anything.

I've got lots of questions in my head though, but not sure I want to know the answers.

Has she done this before, how many times, has she slept with anyone behind my back, what did I do wrong, is he better looking than me, is my dick not good enough, why are you a cunt. I know she hasn't slept with this guy based on the conversation and her response to the picture.

But in the end, even if I knew the answers to those questions it's not going to change anything....

I could totally see why you'd want to avoid the confrontation. Maybe you're better off not knowing.

Just send her a text saying that you saw her whatsapp convo by accident and that you can't trust her anymore. Tell her that it's over and that you'll be gone for the coming week. Set a date for when you want to hash out the lease.

After that, you can give her a chance to respond OR just block her entirely for the week. It'll give you the chance to get your life back in order.

 

[Gravy Boat]

He was made uncomfortable by her. He has more than she does because she has nothing. You missed that.

Also, getting off the lease is his best-case scenario.

You somehow think that landlords give a damn about their relationship status when they don't. No landlord is ever going to make a tennant leave beacuse they cheated on their partner, unless their parent is the landlord or something. That's not the same as purposely making someone uncomforatble in the hopes they'll move out. I don't know where you're from but you have no idea how tennacy agreements work in the UK. All I'm trying to do is explain why all the 'kick her out' posts are pointless because he legally can't do anything to get her to move out.

He can speak to the landlord and see what happens, but they owe him absolutely nothing. The most realisitc outcome is they end the relationship as amicably as possible to avoid making the next X months hell for both their sakes. Again, I lived with my ex for 9 months after we broke up because you can't just pack up your shit and leave when you have a signed contract on a flat.

Nothing in the contract says he has to stay.

Just leave and take care of your financial end of the contractual agreement (or read through the contract to see if there is an exit clause). Don't spend another walking moment in the presence of the cheater.

Of course not, but paying full rent on a flat you're not living in wouldn't even be an option for me. Maybe it's something OP would consider but I can't see that being worth the effort.

 

[Geist-]

Not wanting your partner to sext or emotionally cheat is not being jealous or petty. It's a pretty clear violation of trust for many.

OP wasn't being petty, but a lot of people were giving him petty advice.

Put the label of cheating aside (which I didn't use). Having those sorts of conversations with someone while in a relationship is not appropriate.

Flirting happens, but covnersations where you're describing what you want to do, and then receiving pictures isn't on.

As I've said many times, I'm pretty laid back, I have friends that interrogate their girlfriends, they argue when one of them goes out, go down each others phones etc, but it's never been like that for me.

Like I said, I don't really know the context of the texts beyond them being "not so innocent". I'm mostly just talking about myself, it's really all up to you and how you feel about it. If you feel like you'd just suffer if you tried to continue, then definitely end it now.

 

[TS-08]

I can't tell if Neogaf members just tend to be the jealous, petty type or that's just the kind of people that decide it's a good idea to post advice in a thread about relationship trouble.

Have an adult conversation, don't do anything petty, and decide on a course of action together since you share a lease.

Personally though, I just can't imagine getting so worked up over some texts. I admit I haven't seen what they say, maybe she insults OPs dick size or something, but being flirty with a guy on WhatsApp is ≠ to the actual act of cheating in my eyes.

But I guess if OP is really pissed about it, ending the relationship is probably the best course of action.

Has something like that ever happened to you? Downplaying it because they are just "some texts" is the kind of thing that is easy to say from a distance. I also really doubt the reactions here are any different than you'd get in any place outside of GAF.

 

[Miroku129]

make the dickpic the ipads wallpaper and see what happens

I do this once. Worth it.

 

[Slacker]

Just curious OP how long is/was this relationship?

 

[OCD Guy]

so you already had trust issues? That's kinda what that sounds like to me (needing to know what your GF is doing on her phone and assuming it's nefarious if it's on her iPhone at 1 AM).

No I wouldn't say we had trust issues.

I'd say it would be pretty normal to ask who someone was talking to at 1am in the morning.

A question doesn't always have to be an investigation, it's kinda like if someone has just ended a conversation and you innocently say "Oh who was that". It's different than being all like "Who the fuck was that, give me your phone"

As I said there has been no issues at all, no reason to ever suspect something. But I think it's normal that I'm now asking questions after finding the conversation.

Just curious OP how long is/was this relationship?

4 years but we've known each other a little longer.

We've been living together for just over a year.

 

[Squalor]

You somehow think that landlords give a damn about their relationship status when they don't. No landlord is ever going to make a tennant leave beacuse they cheated on their partner, unless their parent is the landlord or something. That's not the same as purposely making someone uncomforatble in the hopes they'll move out. I don't know where you're from but you have no idea how tennacy agreements work in the UK. All I'm trying to do is explain why all the 'kick her out' posts are pointless because he legally can't do anything to get her to move out.

He can speak to the landlord and see what happens, but they owe him absolutely nothing. The most realisitc outcome is they end the relationship as amicably as possible to avoid making the next X months hell for both their sakes. Again, I lived with my ex for 9 months after we broke up because you can't just pack up your shit and leave when you have a signed contract on a flat.

You should have made her uncomfortable. Wouldn't have had to wait nine months.

And he's not paying full rent. He's paying half, obviously. If he can get kicked off the lease because he made her uncomfortable, it's a win for him.

 

[E-phonk]

Its 2016 and shes not using Snapchat for stuff like that. She's not the brightest it seems. Dump her

Just fyi, you can catch people because the other person will show up as their best friend on snapchat. So if all of a sudden your gf has an unknown best friend called eric69, you know there is trouble.

 

[Mikeside]

dump her ass and come along to the BritGAF meet this saturday to cheer yourself up, if you're anywhere near London

 

[LiK]

make the dickpic the ipads wallpaper and see what happens

I want this to happen

 

[GreatestHits]

I just want to make clear that there's no debate at all with regards to me staying with her.

I'm done, I'm just angry as I said, and trying to decide the best way forward. I don't even want a confrontation as it's not going to change anything.

I've got lots of questions in my head though, but not sure I want to know the answers.

Has she done this before, how many times, has she slept with anyone behind my back, what did I do wrong, is he better looking than me, is my dick not good enough, why are you a cunt. I know she hasn't slept with this guy based on the conversation and her response to the picture.

But in the end, even if I knew the answers to those questions it's not going to change anything....

Situations like this can make you feel immasculated and question if you're good enough, etc. I've been there, been through much, much worse.

Don't go down that mental rabbit hole. You know what to do, do it and don't look back. If YOU think you're 'not good enough' in areas, then you can deal with that yourself. You don't need someone else's opinion, someone you don't understand, as a measure or gauge to your worth. Only you know the truly valuable and desirable things about yourself. She isn't one to see that (or has sex addiction but let's not make this complicated), so let her go, and trust yourself and your own judgement. You got a solid head on your shoulders, someone out there will see it and it's those people who matter when it comes to considering an outside opinion.

Good luck OP. Also, monogamy is a bit forced on humans, a lot of this is natural. Like 10% of people out there are truly capable of handling and dealing with a functional relationship (but try anyway), which IMO is why this stuff happens all the time.

 

[Gravy Boat]

You should have made her uncomfortable. Wouldn't have had to wait nine months.

They were uncomfortable for both of us. You can't just opt out of a signed agreement becasue you're uncomfortable.

And it's not win/win for him because he loses out on a deposit (usually equal to at least a months rent) and would never be able to rent another flat through that landlord/agency or anyone they partner with.

 

[#sorrynotsorry]

Post it onto her Facebook. "this is the man I've been cheating on my boyfriend with. Isn't he hot?"

That should trash her reputation just right.

 

[Strangelove77]

Don't be petty. Don't contact the dude, put his dick as her wallpaper, confront her at work, or any weird shit like that. It won't make you feel better, not long term anyways. If anything you regret it. Believe me.
Just talk to her face to face at home and end it.

 

[Lapidus' Beard]

When she gets home, re-enact the scene from A Fish Calles Wanda and use the iPad as the picture frame.

Spoiler

 

[Squalor]

They were uncomfortable for both of us. You can't just opt out of a signed agreement becasue you're uncomfortable.

I suppose you're forgetting your own comment about how she can report him to the landlord and get kicked off the lease.

Or, you know, being a shitty roommate isn't actually a grounds for getting kicked off a lease, which I already said, too.