@The Artisan: There is no one Islam, find the path that is suitable to you, the one that convinces you. It doesn't have to be an established madhab or whatever fancy word people want to use.
The first step for positive change is acceptance. You have to accept who you are, your flaws, your past mistakes, your sins but also your achievements, your qualities and your good deeds. Accept that we all strive to be better and that in itself is really hard work. It takes a lot of time, it takes patience and you won't necessarily see the results right away but that is how you know you are on a path that's worth taking.
As far as depression and smoking goes, I firmly believe that this is something you have to discuss with a doctor that knows the particular interactions between the two. I don't know if you have already done that, but in my opinion, it should be at the top of the list of your priorities. Make sure to get a second and third opinion too as mental health is a very complicated matter. If doctors tell you that smoking is one of the reasons you are having these difficulties, then you will have to work on that, if not, well, then you work on whatever other issues you are able to identify and ignore people telling you otherwise. This doesn't have to be about religion.
Remember that Islam is not only about serving Allah but I'd argue, most importantly, about bringing happiness to you and those around you, and that is in my opinion the ultimate form of serving God. You seem to be living through an intense internal struggle, my advice to you would be to identify the contradictions that are leading to this situation and think about them in a rational manner. Remember that rulings in Islam (or any law really) exist for a reason, and that the reason of the ruling is more important than the ruling. If the reason does not apply in a certain context, then the ruling too should not. That is my opinion on the matter.
Identify your core belief values (these vary from one person to another), discuss those with like-minded individuals that you can trust. Find out how your reading of Islam is compatible or not with those values and go from there.
The internal struggle between who we are and who we want to be is something we all suffer from at some point in our lives. When it comes to religion, I believe it is important that this struggle be justified by rational and convincing motivations, not just blind following of society's established rules. That is where you will get the willpower, energy and commitment to improve as a human being.
One thing I will tell you, if the main reason why you want to stop smoking is religious, then you are looking at this from the wrong angle. You should be the one defining what is sacrilegious or blasphemous. We live in a world where we are highly educated compared to people of our age even 50 years ago, you have the means of deciding for yourself. For example, let us suppose that for you, your family is the top priority and that they are pretty opposed to smoking in general. Seeing as Eid day is one where families tend to gather and spend the day together, it could be considered blasphemous for you to smoke during that day - even though you would be fine with smoking any other day - because it could negatively affect your family's state of mind, in this particular case, it is worth making the slight abstinence effort. So in a way, the question you should be asking is not "is smoking blasphemous?" but "are the consequences of smoking fundamentally negative in this particular context?".
I guess it's time for me to tell you of an anecdote about how giving up smoking can take quite a bit of commitment sometimes, I have a friend that also used to be my roommate. He was going through a really rough time in his life and was clearly depressed. He would go on these weed smoking binges for days and days and it would clearly affect his state of mind. This is a guy that was very cool usually that with time, turned into a depressive, extremely paranoid person. One day, I came back home to find that he had removed all the light bulbs from the apartment and was combing through them for signs of hidden mics or cameras because he thought he was being watched. It was quite the extreme case. It took him going back to live with his family and seeing a psychologist for a few months for him to recover. That is how he was able to stop smoking, he would have never been able to do it alone. And like I said, this is normally a very nice, educated guy and yes, a muslim. More importantly, he decided to stop smoking because he identified the negative consequences and had the proper support to do it.
I know nothing about your case, it could very well be that smoking actually helps you more than it hurts you or your entourage, that is why I encourage you once again to first see a doctor, and secondly do the work I talked about in the previous paragraphs.
Hope this helps.
hm, that's interesting that you say that there is no one Islam, because my understanding was that it we are all supposed to be following the one Islam, and trying to make things for yourself would be going by your own whims - not that I want to make up my own rules, but that I want to follow Islam the way that works best for me, and I think that's what you're trying to say.
I understand that I've got strengths and weaknesses, but the only way to put my strengths to use is if I am proactive about it. That's why, I am my own worst enemy because this depression makes me so damn lazy. Or if lazy is even the right word for it.
When I was in college I saught out counseling and that was a lot easier because that just came out of my tuition, I didn't have to do any copays or anything. It did help medicate things and keep me at bay but it could never solve the problem. Nowadays the way my living situation is, I want to get all that sorted out first before I ever consider getting back into that. I'd also have to start from scratch which is the most annoying and disheartening thing.
As far as happiness goes...I'm nto sure if I'm ever going to find it again. That could of course change but at this point in time it does indeed feel like I'll never truly be happy. The average person probably is happy with moments of unhappiness, I'm kinda the opposite. You are right, this is an intense internal struggle and I've never felt more alone because it feels like there's no one who can help me. There are those who love me and who care, that be my family, but they can't help me. At least now though it feels like all hope isn't lost. But I'm kinda the opposite of most people. I'd imagine most people are usually happy, with moments or phases of sadness. I'm kinda the opposite. I won't disregard the hope there is but it just doesn't feel realistic.
My main reason to stop smoking isn't really religious, I did stop for Ramadan to test self control and I guess just to have a reason to take a smoke break, but na - I realize it's probably haram but God knows I don't want to give it up entirely right now. So now that I think about it, on the context of seeing my extended family on Wednesday it won't be so bad. What will suck is the feeling of loneliness on the way back to the place I'm staying (I'm from upstate, but my cousin lets me stay at his place throughout the week for work).
As for your anecdote, man, that is some serious shit. Good to know your roommate got the help he needed. Are you still in contact with him? Hopefully he's back to full health. I want to be able to get my work life better before I think about fixing my personal life, but my mind is too fucked to want to fix my personal life so my work life doesn't get any better. I have all the motivation I need though...I just wish I was a more proactive person.
Any sort of reaching does help. So yes, your post did help and gave me a little more perspective on how things should be for me this Eid. So I do appreciate your support, and I'll think more about what's most important, as generic as that sounds. And the feeling is mutual, should you ever need help in any way as well.Thanks, brother.
Mr. Artisan
Dude, see a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. This is coming from an orthodox Sunni Muslim who is in Psychiatry Residency. There is nothing wrong with psychiatric medication. Your depression is starting to take a life of its own. Also the use of marijuana is concerning too, but one thing at a time.
Also regarding doubts, one can work on those later. One doubt at a time, but only after you get treated.
When I was in college I was on medication for a long time. I sought counseling too. Those kept me at bay but they did not fix the problem. I can try doing that again now but my issue with that is that I've poured my heart out already and I'll have to start from scratch with a new therapist. If it comes down to that I'm going to look forward to it. Medicine can also be expensive. And in my experience, they don't make you feel better but they just take your mind off of the depression.
Today's the last day of Ramadan though...I'm hoping tomorrow is a really good day for all of us.
Listen to this man. smoking weed isnt the end of the world, and you admittedly have some personal issues to sort out. asking about smoking weed in a muslim thread isnt going to get you the attention you want. if anything you will get the wrong advice because some folks will always put religion over mental health.
seek a professional therapist and remember you are not the first person to lose religion. it's ok. be the best person you can be. and go see a counselor.
You're right, this may not be the best place to ask for advice but it's not like all the feedback I got wasn't for nothing. As for seeing a doctor, I'll want to worry about that once I get the rest of my life in order. What's most important is being able to help my parents, and to do that I need more money, and to get more money I need a better job. That should be my top priority right now.
I get that you don't want to air anything which might seem offensive that's why I suggested posting on a forum anonymously , it'll be anonymous and if someone wants to be a dick, they'll get called out for it.
You're posting here because I assume you at least want some religious insight.
seeking the solution purely through Islam which has so much division within itself may not be the whole solution, we can quote the quran and duas but they won't seem to help, because of this mentality you've gotten yourself into.
Not necessarily. I mean, you may be right, I can't fully predict how I will react to certain things but I don't want to be immediately dismissive of anything that comes from the scripture. What forum would you suggest?
In regards to your iman, that's something you need to decide, you can't compare it to anyone else's, people are given different trials and tribulations, people react differently to them , think differently. My point is, this connection is between you and Allah, if you genuinely repent and try to improve yourself, Allah has said he will forgive those who repent and open their heart. Also, you seem to be knocking yourself down before you even do anything, nobody's perfect mistakes happen, don't dwell on the mistakes you've made, learn from them and try not to repeat them. Even if you repeat them, repeat the process, just try to become a better person, irrespective of what you or others think.
I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but (right now) it feels like no matter how much someone tells me not to be too hard on myself, I just can't let go of my regrets. When I went to the masjid for lailatal qadr, I thought maybe my faith would strengthen a little but it really did not make me feel any different. But it does not make me not want to pray...in a way, I'm trying to figure out, why, why is it that I'm having such a hard time connecting with Islam? Is it the ummah? Is it what I hear? Is it the news? Is it what's supposed to be practiced vs. what I personally think is wrong? The latter again would be me going by my own whims which is wrong but how am I supposed to help it when I disagree with a certain thing we're taught?
We can't understand what you're going through, but maybe giving you general help will help you.
The first step is doing something yourself, we've recommended seeing a psychiatrist etc in this thread, this has a stigma attached so that's why I'm not going to keep echoing it. This might seem like rambling of someone who doesn't understand but I've been in a vaguely similar place, questioning what and why stuff was happening , the is Islam+Allah real? Etc.
Asking the dumb questions on reddit /to an imam, learning about the religion, questioning almost everything and reading+understanding the quran all helped immensely.
maybe I should do reddit then. is that what you were talking about before? I've ever lurked on reddit, I've never ever been a redditor so if I do do that, that'll be the first time I post on reddit so there's a whole lot more I feel I should know before getting into it. What is the vaguely similar place you've been in if you don't mind me asking?
As for seeing a doctor, I said this to the other brothers but basically it's not like I'm shutting that out, but right now's not the best time for me to do that - above my general mental state, there are other things that are more important right now.
Here is where Islam is different, we're all taught that we're all brothers and sisters within the religion from day 1,this has many benefits, but the biggest is the support and sense of comradery it brings, you have people you can talk to in real life who won't judge you. Depression is described as digging yourself into a hole and it only getting bigger, except you're not the one who dug it but you're digging it deeper by not doing anything about it. We can continue to exchange anecdotes etc... but you need to take the huge first step.
I wish I knew more Muslim people like that, because a lot of bros I come across can be either condescending, or have their head wrapped up too far into the religion to think outside the box - which is fine for them (the latter, because condescension almost always hurts never helps) because maybe they are on the right path, the true path, but in order to help others it's going to still take thinking outside the box, even if you're talking to other Muslims. it's important to be aware of where the other muslims are at.
@Artisan,
There is a fair bit of exceptional advice being given to you in this thread (and in the
Muslim OT), covering a variety of key topics; all that's left is for you to take the first few steps and attempt to heed them.
Your first priority should be to meet with a doctor and/or therapist; they'll (hopefully) set you on your journey to finding inner peace.
I'll pray for your success in that personal battle with depression and internal confusion.
thank you. i'll keep you and all the other bros in my prayers too. i will thinking about getting help but as I said, other priorities come first right now. i haven't been in the muslim OT lately I guess I should pay it a visit.
Artisan and others:
I'd highly recommend listening to some talks from Usama Canon at the Taleef Collective. Taleef is a really welcoming space and on Sunday nights they do a great series of lectures about practical spirituality in day to day life.
http://taleefcollective.org/taleeflive/
Just FYI the program is suspended during Ramadan but should start back up next week I believe.
It really helped me with my spirituality and with coming back to Islam in a meaningful way that I agree with.
cool thanks, i'll check it out next week then. i was just looking at the website and it looks like there are a couple of videos ready to go.
